Monday, December 3, 2007

Get outta my dreams.........


So at 7 1/2 months pregnant I'm finally sleeping again but I'm getting REALLY PISSED OFF because every time I close my eyes I'm ending up in some scenario with this guy! Don't get me wrong I do love me some Jim from The Office and it would be totally different if these dreams were sexual in any way...BUT THEY'RE NOT. We're like making dinner or having a political discussion or doing other things that are utterly NON-SEXUAL. Bummer really....and since we're not getting our freak on I'd really like to have some simple classic REM (and I'm not talking about Michael Stipe). I would like to fall asleep and dream of nothing. I'm not sure why my head always has to be going at this stage in the game and it's not like I could finish off a bottle of wine before I went to sleep because I'm sure that would really help with any type of dreaming whatsoever.
And so I never thought I would say this but, "Mr. John Krasinksi either put out or get out"

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Reach out & touch me


For me; this all started when Kelly Ripa FREAKED the fuck out when Clay Aiken put his hand over her mouth on Regis & Kelly and she screamed about being touched. We live in a "don't touch me" world.
This is good for some reasons OBVIOUSLY...like with my 2 year old...we are constantly explaining "good touch" "bad touch" but what is with the rest of this bullshit? Why aren't we touching?
I watched an entire episode of Martha Stewart (okay maybe not an entire episode....but who can seriously sit through that? it's like watching paint dry....really expensive paint that's been applied by a very methodical over-explained heavily sedated retarded person.) Anyway, she had James Lipton on (whom I truly believe has a secret life as a serial killer...a very methodical over-explained heavily sedated retarded serial killer)....A-N-Y-W-A-Y! I watched the two of them for about 20 minutes tango around each other avoiding any sort of physical contact...I mean SERIOUSLY...I could tell at times she wanted to pat him on the hand or nuzzler her mole-y chin into his pubic-y beard. But they avoided each other at all costs. It was really uncomfortable to watch....that--and the show truly sucks donkey butt...really methodical over-explained donkey butt. I guess at least it's not as bad as that other talk show with the really loud, brunette built like a line backer who spends her hour defending her marriage, laughing at her own jokes and cooking the same shit with different names.
But I digress: back to touching
As a psych major in college we studied a lot of monkeys...I mean shit loads of monkeys...throwing their shit loads and the reasons they do it. One of the studies we studied (I know...) was about infant chimps that were separated from their mothers. They were given the choice to either eat with a faux mom made out of cold wire or lie with an imitation chimp made out of warm cloth that never had food. So- EAT or rub yourself against this piece of cloth. All of the chimps chose the cloth mom over food. They preferred the faux physical interaction. There are also several studies done on children that have been physically neglected if you want to depress yourself you can read here. These monkeys and children grow up to have some really bizarre behaviors and can truly never be integrated into a normal social environment.
WITH THAT SAID- Why are we doing this as a society? Are we going to become more socially retarded? Is that even possible?
When anyone has ever asked me my religion- my reply has always been "I just want to hold hands with the children of the world and sing Kumbayah". But is that allowed anymore? What are we afraid of?
Back to my 2 year old- in Pre-school we were pulled aside because Quinn was hugging kids and they are taught not to touch each other. So we had to tell her to keep her hands to herself. I feel bad for her. She was just showing her affection and maybe some kids are not getting that positive interaction at home...so WHY NOT? What's the harm? I know personally I am always all over my kid...there's just something so delicious about a 2 year old....especially mine!
And certain portions of my extended family hug and kiss and are all over each other and I'll tell you somethin....my mind doesn't have to work over time debating whether it's appropriate to pat those people on the back or slug em for being silly....I always know it's okay.
For the rest eh ya.....keep yer distance!

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Time Outs

Quinn just put a ghost candle that I have on the dining room table for decoration in time out. When I asked her why the ghost was in time out she told me he was stupid......if we could all go to time out when we were stupid....the world would be a better place!

Friday, October 5, 2007

Think twice....do you REALLY need those Cheetos?







In the past week, the company that supplies all the vending machines to our building has "upgraded" them making everything in them bigger and more expensive. There are no longer .60 cent sodas...everything comes in 20 oz and is a dollar! A DOLLAR! Who keeps money like that lying around? Who HAS that kind of money anymore? I mentioned this to our voice girl in the building and she said in a very announcerish voice "We've got turkey sandwiches...financing available at the front desk"...
EXACTLY!
I've been begging, borrowing and thinking about stealing spare change off co-workers' desks just so I can get a GOD DAMNED CHERRY COKE! I'm pregnant for God's sake....who's cruel joke is this? Pregnant AND broke!
No one has received a raise this year so why the swanky new food? hmm?
I wonder if my company gets a cut of all the profits, I'm sure that's part of the deal right? So pay us less and then not only take our time, dignity and pride away from us but make sure you grab that extra .40 cents on your way out now too....
As it stands right now I'm all out of ones.....and my ass is a bit sore.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

My dirty little secrets

When you enter the land of parenthood you also enter the land of unexplained unabashed full-speed ahead competition. The kind of competition you've never experienced in your life. Not, I must win this football game, not I must get a better grade on this paper but my child will over power yours or I will eat my own for tomorrow's breakfast. If my child is able to One-Up yours then...it is clear...there is a God.
I try to act all high and mighty like I don't entertain these parents or partake in these reindeer games but my own feminine womb powers overwhelm my very existence and I enter the ring. With Montessori on one hand and professional technical ballet classes on the other.
What's that? Gymboree is holding Mandarin Language classes? Sign us up for 2....no better yet, I'll call the teacher at home and we'll meet with her beforehand to get a head start!

So you can see when I do hear stories of children progressing before mine, I feel protective....and I also feel like I'm doing something wrong, when in the end- these so-called "advancements or progressions" have nothing to do with the child and EVERYTHING to do with the over-socialized, extremely competitive parents.

Quinn is 28 months and is not completely potty trained. By the time her 2nd Birthday rolled around I was very concerned about it. We had been practicing on the potty chair since she was 13 months old, yet she was still have accidents 9 out of 10 pee/poop times. I kept at it, pushing and pushing her to use control. In August I enrolled her in preschool and sent her with just panties to school. By the end of the first day, they pulled me aside and asked "can you please send diapers with her to school tomorrow"
"But we're potty training" I responded
Taking an audible pause then giving me a sympathetic slight smile her teacher said quite teacherly, "Quinn is a wonderful girl and verbally is really ahead of all the children in the class, but when kids are ready to be potty trained they will let you know they need to go BEFORE they start to go in their pants....Quinn has the verbal skills to do this, her body is just not quite yet notifying her.....she just not ready yet"
I was pissed. And then I was hurt.
And then I sat in my car and thought....she's not ready.......
SO WHAT?
What have I been rushing...she's not even 3....not even 2 and a half.
My dreams of her being a potty trained infant went out the window, what didn't go out the window are all the comments I've heard from parents including my own.
Apparently I was potty trained at 18 months. My niece was potty trained at 23 months....and on and on.
These comments should mean nothing to me, yet they are what I've been basing Quinn's success on.

Potty Training aside-

the 2 dirty secrets I have are by far worse than slow potty training to any parent. I don't admit these two things to anyone- not even our own family doctor....

Quinn still uses a binky or pacifier.

I try to remove it before we run into anyone we know or before getting out of the car in public places or even hide them when people come over. The comments I hear about her having a binky are just...well...whatever! We should probably take it away, get rid of all of them, but I just don't really care. If it brings her comfort every now and then, why does anyone care. I've always been a very oral person and to this day still struggle with chewing my nails. Thank GOD I never took up smoking!
And all of this crap about them ruining their teeth by having binkies is pure bullshit and I'll take the pepsi challenge on that one. It's just like people who say giving a child a bottle at night will ruin their teeth...old wives tales...

which brings me to secret #2

Quinn still has a bottle at nap time and at bed time.

There I said it.

Feels like I just went to confession...I'll now do 12 hail marys and 5 hello dollys.

Yeah..so... she does.

And she loves them.

And again, it's a comfort tool. Cort and I decided to take them away a couple months ago and she would cry at night and I was just in my first trimester with this pregnancy- feeling like shit, lying in bed listening to a sweet little girl cry for a bottle of milk and I thought..."What the fuck am I seriously doing?" Why do I give that big of shit if she has a bottle or not if it makes her feel better? But again I had all of these mothers' voices running through my head "I stopped bottles at 11 months.....18 months.....at birth". Why do I care? I know she's not going to kindergarten with a bottle-AND- for the record- there is nap time at pre-school and she does not have a bottle or Binky then and is just fine.

So there- I said it.

The reason these popped into my head today is because we have a new baby sitter coming tonight and when we interviewed her a couple weeks ago I had to come clean with these little controversial nuggets of truth and felt very dirty as I was telling her to make sure my toddler gets her 'baba' before bedtime.

BUT- in the words of Kathy Griffin "Everybody can suck it".... (a bottle or binky...suck whichever one you'd like!)



After all; who can resist this face?



Thursday, September 27, 2007

Millenium Child? Child of the 2000's?

Being a child of the 80's there are several memories that mark the proof I did exist before 2000.
1. Playing Pit Fall on the Atari at the Barnharts' house
2. Spiral Perms from 9 years old on....
3. Begging my parents for a Nintendo- getting the Nintendo as a joint birthday present with my brother for my 12th birthday and his 9th...because they were so EFFING expensive.
a. Duck Hunt...woot woot!
4. Owning the Footloose Soundtrack on Cassette Tape


When having my own child in 2005 it did not cross my mind the things she would never experience in her own childhood that would mimic my own. The older she gets the more I observe her odd behavior and these little differences show up.

For example: when Quinn was born my mother bought her a blue rattle in the shape of a hand held telephone. like this .....











To this day, she has no clue what it is or what to even do with it. But give that girl an old cell phone and she's got it straight up to her ear carrying on conversations with Mickey Mouse, Papa or cousin Sage.

The other day she set up her little craft table with an activity pad on top and laid out 3 plastic Barbie playing cards. She told me to take a card and hand it to her. Then she said "I swipe card"...."okay here you go, bye!" Then I had to walk around the table and do it again. Within a few seconds I figured out we were playing 'store' and she was swiping my credit card. When I went and grabbed some coins and dollar bills off the kitchen counter and said "I'll pay with these" she said "NO- I need swipe card". She had no clue what the money was for.

This same little 2 year old won't walk 10 feet away from our car without asking if she can "Beep" it for me. (lock the doors and hear the beep). She doesn't know you can manually lock the car doors.

She also thinks we can pull up her favorite shows on TV at any given time because we have TIVO and WE CAN!

She knows the difference between my cell phone ring and her father's. "Uh oh Daddy's phone".

It's just amazing the things and experiences she'll never have. I guess my parents probably went through the same thing with my brother and I.

I remember my mom telling me about the Maxi Pads they had to wear when she was in Junior High and how they were as big as adult diapers.

Or how TV used to only have a handful of channels and the entire family made an event out of watching one show.

To look at the bright side the few things we do share are The Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake and Jelly Shoes. I guess that has to make up for the Spice Girls songs she'll never hear and the Banana Clips she'll probably never wear.

She'll think the Nine Inch Nails dudes are old fogies...just like I of the Rolling Stones!



VS.













P.S. And what will she think of Michael Jackson????

Saturday, September 1, 2007

A Tragic Ending to a Tragic Beginning....


As one of the only people to watch the show, I feel obligated to share my thoughts, feelings and overall opinion on the reality show "The Two Corey's".

Much to my surprise no one I know (or have at least talked to in the past few weeks) watched it.

In retrospect, I probably didn't have to waste precious TIVO'ing hours on it either. But still feel the need to share...afterall it's my blog (neener, neener, *sticks tongue out and pthfwt)

I know now I expected too much from it....granted it was on BRAVO and even Bravo only bought like 8 episodes before calling it quits. But once my friend Vedjen announced it on her blog, I couldn't help but anticipate it's greatness...(heavy, heart felt sigh)...

First and foremost I expected to be entertained. When that did not happen, I wanted to be informed. There were a few things that this less-than-License-to-Drive-more-like-Dream-A-Little-Dream "dramatization" made me more informed about....

1. Corey Feldman is a pussy and pussy-whipped. This is not a healthy combo my friends...you should be one or the other. Not only is he extremely particular in what he wears, taking hours upon hours to do his hair and without a shirt looks like gay Elvis Cabana Boy, but he follows his wife around like a prisoner at Guantanamo Bay (I'm convinced he's in that infamous pyramid shot). Not to mention he's like 15 years older than her, but she's bossy, bitchy and this over the top vegan! The show should have been called "The 2 Corey's and Feldman's over involved, bitchy child bride"
2a. You know, now that I think about it, she was like a stage mom. Her name is Susie and any press event the 2 coreys had, she would be there too, not like on the side lines taking pics, but as one of the guests of honor. They had a DVD signing for "The Lost Boys" because of the 20 year re-release or some shit and there they were; Corey, Corey and Susie all behind the table on director's chairs signing copies of DVDs. She had even added her name to the Display poster behind them. Who the hell is this girl?

2b. Vegan- I was not kidding- the pinnacle is when they invited the head of PETA over to their house for dinner, filmed the entire thing & Corey Haim proceeded to hit on her while answering the door to get his extra sausage delivery pizza..

3. Which leads me to my next point- the entire thing was staged from Scene 1 to Grand Finale. Corey Feldman and his wife Susie "Satan" Feldman appeared on Chelsea Lately where he said every reality show he's ever done has been staged- that was my first clue, my second clue was...well the entire season that and "The Flavor of Love" which I don't have time to get into now but if you must click on the title to learn more.

4. Where in the World was Corey Haim for the past 20 years? I would've rather left this a mystery but apparently he was a fat drug addict...exibit A

YIKES! I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing or seeing that. My teenage years seem empty and meaningless now. I want to go back and rip down every Big Bopper picture of him off my bedroom ceiling! WHERE OH WHERE is Fred Savage at a time like this? Chad Allen? Are you a chunky drug addict to? If so, please keep it in the closet until I pass on to the next world.
And just so you know, I'm not making this stuff up nor is that a doctored pic...they discuss it openly on the show that he just became sober and lost a bajillion pounds.
For someone like this...when does they're dough run out? How are they paying for all these expensive drugs? Is that why they do reality shows like this?


So long 2 Coreys....my husband will be happy he doesn't have to walk by the television and mutter "you're still watching this shit?"

Monday, August 27, 2007

Miss South Carolina

Such as....like....such as....

The Happiest Place on Earth

Mom & Michelle leaving the castle

Cort w/Q riding Dumbo.



We took a quick trip to DLand and Huntington Beach this past week and had a wonderful time. As we're enjoying the scenery walking down Main St, my 16 almost 17 year old cousin Malia



said something very entertaining "What is it with the adults obsessed with Disney characters....that's a little odd don't ya think?"



Yes I do think. What is with them? Why are there 45 year old women decked from head to toe in "MINNIE MOUSE FOREVER" gear waiting in line for Goofy's autograph? Why are their grown men with over hanging beer guts donning the Buzz Light Year "To Infinity & Beyond" Glow in the dark T-shirt with X-Ray Goggles? I'm all for buying crap and wearing while in the park...ONLY in the park, but my next door neighbor has an "Em Eye See, Kay EE Y" License plate cover and she's in her mid 30's....might explain why the perpetual state of singledom....hmmm

How do these people function at normal jobs? "oh look there's Bob over by the copier with his dumbo ears on again, silly Bob....I heard he's hitting the park again this weekend with his annual pass"

"Ooh Judy's got a new screen saver of Tinkerbell and she bought the latest Tink mug for her 50th birthday"

How do people take them seriously in meetings? "Let's get this meeting started...how was everyone's weekend? I personally went to the Princess Cove and hear Ariel read from Under the Sea and bought myself a Pirates Costume.....Susan what did you do? "I cleaned my house and argued with my husband like a normal human being Ralph"

Do they think someday someone in the park will recognize them as the "ultimate fan" and award them with something? Perhaps Mickey's hand in marriage? A night alone with Minnie on the Jungle Safari?

Do they think they will find their soulmate at the Park- someone just as obsessed as they are and they can make sweet sweet Walt Disney love?

Maybe their not concerned with finding a mate, but what is their joy waking up in the morning? Getting online to see how much the bid is now for the Mickey and Minnie Trader pins? (adding to that; I thought trader pins were so 2001 but apparently not, they are all over the park and outside the park with beautiful middle aged women wearing them....I wonder if these are the same women that still collect beanie babies?)

Enough of my rant, we had a great time and my two year old now loves Mickey Mouse who she affectionately refers to as "Mickey Nose"....we really don't know why. I do want to leave you with one more little tid bit I just found on the "net"....a chat group for over zealous adult Disney fans....here's Brian's Story: ENJOY!

Brian (Tiggerguy) Moderator/Keeper of the Lists
It wasn't until he was 33 that Brian made his first trek down to Disney World in March of 1990. He liked it so much that he has been back every year since. He has also made four trips out to Disneyland. He became very interested in Disney Trivia in 1995 when he first got connected to Compuserve, one of the very first providers of internet service. He has been playing Disney Trivia there every Tuesday night since. Brian discovered DisneyWorldTrivia.com by reading a message that Lou had posted on the rec.arts.disney.park (RADP) news group in early 2004. He visited the site a few times before deciding to join and enjoyed it so much that he volunteered to help Lou moderate it. Every chance he gets, he tells people to come to the site for fun and get information. Brian has the distinction of being the very first customer to Lou's logo store when he introduced it. As "Keeper of the Lists" Brian keeps tracks of active members birthdays, anniversaries and weekly membership growth. His other duties include giving history of what has happened at Disney and other interesting tidbits.
Favorite Resort: Wilderness Lodge


Favorite Park: Animal Kingdom

Favorite Attraction: MuppetVision 3D

Favorite Meal: Beef Filet Mignon at Jiko

Favorite Characters: Sorcerer Mickey/Tigger (of course!)






Brian!

Saturday, August 4, 2007

How Rude!

When I became pregnant this 2nd time I got some weird comments when I told people. Normally when someone tells me their pregnant as long as they're not a 16 year old meth addict my first reaction is "congratulations". Somewhere along the way, this response is no longer the first instinctual one in other adults. Instead this is how a couple of my situations went down.

Randi "hey I'm pregnant"
Person not to be named "congratulations, if that's what you really want".....WTF? If that's what you really want? who says shit like that?

2nd situation
Randi "I'm pregnant"
Person not to be named "oh I thought you and Cort didn't want anymore kids?" again HUH??? I responded by saying "no we've never said that"...because we never HAVE said that....where do people come up with this shit. Why not shut your mouth and JUST.SAY. congrats?

The final topper for Cort was he was out getting lunch the other day and ran into a former colleague of ours. The first question out of her mouth was not, how's life, how's Quinn, how's work...it was "so are you and Randi still together"...??? It really irritated Cort and the more I think about it, like how is that the first question out of your mouth.....how bout maybe you warm up to that?

I just don't get people sometimes these days. It makes me want to lock myself in my house and just hang out with my kid.

Friday, July 20, 2007

This really breaks my heart

How sad....Tammy Faye Baker

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Crackberry

You be the judge!

The Real Queen of England and other random thoughts

I watched the Concert for Diana last Sunday. If you're unfamiliar with it- it was the concert Prince William and Prince Harry put on for their Mother- she would have been 46 years old on July 1st.
Anyway, I know Francofiles are people obsessed with everything French- I don't know what the proper term is for someone obsessed with the Brits but my friend Sonia says the slang term is Pommy....so I'm a pommy...
I want to be British, I want to at least pretend I'm British and I want to act like I know everything about the Brits...and I was only there for 8 days! I think this has to do with the women in my family...I was raised being woken up at 3 am to watch the royal weddings live...so there ya go.
I digress- so back to the concert.
So Wills & Harry put this thing together...err or their people put this thing together. I mean I've put a lot of big events together and those 2 princes were sitting enjoying the show so in no way shape or form did they have a huge organizing task in this or they would have not been sitting enjoying the entire show. They would've been backstage putting out ten thousand fires. Which I've been told all trace back to Elton John.
In the radio biz, you do get the inside info on a lot of artists and although Elton isn't really in the format I work, I have heard a lot about him and his demands.
Don't get me wrong- the man is a gazzillionaire with more talent in his one earring than I have in my entire body. But Mary Please!
Concert For Diana: Elton opened it and closed it. So during the final bits of the show, Ricky Gervais came out to do a few minutes of standup and then to introduce Elton. Poor Ricky ended up having to stall for an extra 10 minutes because Elton was refusing to come out. I have heard this happens more than not at his concerts. BUT THIS WASN'T HIS CONCERT. This is what goes down normally (so I've been told). If his mic, or monitor or whatever levels are not exactly to his perfection he will refuse to play. He will not come out of his dressing room and he will not get dressed. It usually takes someone a few minutes to talk him into doing the rest of his show- promising him there will be no more problems with his equipment. I'm hear to tell you, when dealing with audio equipment LIVE...shit happens and when you throw a diva in the mix...you're fucked! Like I said this wasn't his show, this was for someone else and every artist was doing it for free...so I don't know why he felt he could take a stand. Also, the Princes asked him to come to an after party at which Elton was required to walk to on his own two feet and he was super pissed about that.
I mean not even Queen Lizzie pitches fits about bucking up and taking it like a man sometimes....
I do have to say I think it was bad form that neither the Queen nor Prince Charles made a cameo at the event...hey I told you I was a pommy....

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Bitch Please!

Weddings & Babies bring out the worst ASSVICE from the entire general public. Complete strangers will approach you on the street, interrupt your lunch, spark up conversation between bathroom stalls and tell you the what, where, why, & how of these 2 things. ...and if you don't do it that exact way YOU WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND YOUR DOG WILL DIE ON CHRISTMAS. plus...THEY TOLD YOU SO.
I didn't have a conventional wedding so I missed that but with the pregnancy....holy fetus batman...I got more than enough advice with my first one.
So I'm telling everyone with this second kid...don't bother trying....somewhere along the way, I turned it off....the ability to absorb anymore wives tales, good luck potions, etc.
I was enjoying a green tea the other day and someone from across the office fucking RUDELY interrupted my 5 seconds of antioxidant bliss "is that really okay for the baby?". My response "yes it's perfectly fine"....my inner pregnancy response "HEY FUCK YOU, ARE YOU FUCKING PREGNANT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PREGNANT...YEAH DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO...SHUT YOUR INEXPERIENCED, UNCONTROLLABLE FUCKING TOURETTES MOUTH BITCH!"
I'm probably capable of shanking someone in this first trimester

Furthermore, I don't care if you have been pregnant before I don't want your advice unless your telling me how great I am and showering me with compliments. Yeah, that's basically all I want to hear until I deliver; how great I am, gorgeous, hilarious and it wouldn't' hurt to throw money at me as I walk by you.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Womb: Reloaded

Yes, the tabloids are true...I am knocked up once again. It's very early - I'm only 9 weeks along but boy oh boy...do I definitely know I'm pregnant.

Things Parent's Magazine doesn't' tell you about being pregnant

1. First off: Your body is no longer yours as you fondly remember it. It is now housing a foreign object that is literally sucking the very life out of you for itself. This should be your first warning sign.
2. Immune System Schimmune Schsytem: Your immune system forgets it's been working for you for the past 30 years and begins to wait hand and foot on the microscopic parasite invading your damn space! You could have SARS and your child-to-be is nestled comfy cozy dreaming of sugar plums...IE: my kid is fine but at the moment I have a sinus infection with a double ear infection....I haven't had an ear infection since I was 8!!! But like i said your immune system has forgotten your name and lost your number. When I was pregnant with Quinn I had pregnancy carpal tunnel, pink eye and any other random shit you can think of.
3. Gas: I don't know if it's because there's all of the sudden more room in your body but at this early point in your pregnancy you do not want to be having one night stands or sharing your bed with any strangers in general...your morning bed side manner is well...explosive
4: Massive Diarrhea: I've talked to a lot of women that are constipated through most of their pregnancy...not I. I get the most horrendous, painful lower back cramps where I'm sweating they hurt so bad and every morning I have awesome explosive .......awesomeness!
5. B.O.: This has got to be because of the increased amount of hormones in your body but I can apply deodorant 17 times a day and still I reek (wreak? reak?sp?) I also can grow 3 inches of armpit hair during a 20 minute episode of Blues Clues...another wonderful pregnancy party trick!
6. Puke on Command:brushing my teeth, coughing, singing, checking my email....I can puke I can also dry heave by request.

There are these women out there that claim they "didn't know they were pregnant" until the kid was crowning...but I ask you with all of these lovely doing flips during your last trimester and your vajayjay no longer resembling one during those last few months....how do you not realize what the hell is going on?

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Pirates 101



Wilmer on the Red Carpet- he ignored us...I kept calling his name asking him to come over!




Many of you have been waiting for this....come on at least PRETEND!! I did tell a few I would blog about my experience on the red carpet and actually did start typing this really long, detailed blog and now it's just to novella for me to finish...so I'm going to make this one a little more to-the-point!

Cort's morning show was asked to be on the red carpet for the Premiere of Pirates 3, but Buena Vista would only send 1 person so they sent Cort and I being the trophy wife bought a new dress and tagged along.


After being to London on business and having "that" sort of treatment..nothing is comparing quite as nicely...in London E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. was paid for and I mean everything....down to, they bought Cort a new Euro cell phone so it would be easier for him to call people.

ANYWAY- let me just stop for a sec and say Pirates was great....but not London...

now for the scoop.

So we arrive at Disneyland at 4:30p as all the paperwork states and get our "media" badges. They then show us where our booth is on the red carpet. Out of 192 booths, we are 181...yeah...#1 is People Magazine, #2 MTV, #3 E!...and on and on...so Salt Lake City radio station of course is going to be at the end. And as it turned out a few didn't show up so we were 2nd to last...BUT THAT'S OKAY..

The actual movie doesn't start until 8p but we had to be in place by 5p....

So we get to the booth and Disney is very professional...they have all of your equipment on and ready to go, headphones, an engineer and assistant and your beckon call. Plus they give you tons of freebies...gifts- we got 2 commemorative Pirates huge books, Pirates beach towels, Pirates velvet hats that say 'dead men tell no tales, muhahahaha" and on and on...a bunch more commemorative stuff...very cool.

The Disney Reps also hand you a bio packet...it's got every single celeb that is going to be on the red carpet and a little bio on them. It's also got all the stuff on the movie and how it was made blah blah blah.

The reps also tell you who- out of the big names you are going to be able to interview. "no johnny depp" "yes Orlando but it's going to be a pod interview" meaning us and 1 other radio station at the same time. Out of all of the people that crossed the red carpet...you have about 3-5 A-List celebs: Johnny depp, Orlando Bloom, Teri Hatcher, Kobe Bryant....mmm that might be about it...the rest are TOTAL B, C & D celebs...

STILL..very cool- no complaints

Most memorable moments:

We were so excited to interview Cloris Leachman because we both love her as the one-legged mean grandma on Malcolm...but she was like....on something and couldn't answer anything in a Full English sentence...so that was a let down

One of the best interviews was Mark Curry- You know "Hangin with Mr. Cooper"..he was really cool and made some joke about how the cleaners had burnt his suit so he had to get a new one at the last minute or people would be thinking "man that Mr. Cooper is broke!"...pretty fun

Another good interview was the Dancing with the stars finalists: Apollo & Juliane and Joey Fatone and that Cheryl girl...they were really cool- they were actually not doing radio interviews but were hanging around our booth talking and so I grabbed them and started asking them questions...Joey Fatone is pretty thin in real life.

Ian Ziering was also there and we interviewed him...everything was going well until I said "so are going on tour with the Dancing with the Stars" (cuz you know they go on tour after the show is over) and he says "no I'm not I"m going to see a movie right now" and drops the mic on our table and walks off!! Totally cut me off!! ASS!

Cort's favorite interview was with Meredith Eaton she's on Boston Legal as Denny Crane's love interest...she's a little person. Cort loves her and she was a great interview...very very nice probably the nicest person on the red carpet. Cort got a picture with her...so I will post it as soon as I can.

She came with Martin Klebba who's in Pirates 3 and he was a pretty good interview as well...when we asked him what he was doing next he said spending time with his son...he said Pirates is a hectic schedule and he just wanted some down time.

Long story short...the interviews we were promised we did not get- Orlando...we were also promised Bill Nighy (Davy Jones) and they would hand us a D-Lister to interview and then whisk the A-Lister past us as we were in mid-interview....don't think it was really a tactic...they ran out of time....I was also bummed because I REALLY wanted to interview Teri Hatcher but she was a biggie and had about 20 in her entourage....Johnny Depps was the biggest entourage....not surprising....oh and Masi Oka- the Asian kid from Heroes had the most beautiful stick skinny supermodel on his arm! And she was about 3 inches taller than him.

After the event, Disney escorts you to the media building where they have free food and drinks as long as you want....

All in all it was a fun experience and I would do it again in a heartbeat.





Friday, June 1, 2007

Blogging at work

Is probably a huge no no but I'm sitting here at 4:23p on Friday afternoon and I see exactly one person in my peripheral....NO ONE IS HERE.
And let's be honest...show of hands for those of you who myspace at work. Yes I'm raising my hand...what better way to look forward to finishing a project than anticipating the red screaming letters "NEW MESSAGES". Plus my myspace song is really lame right now so I'll eat up about 10 minutes trying to find the newest coolest song...gots to stick with the trends.

So....yes, I'm blogging at work and under someone else's log in...so if a history was pulled on this person they would see my blog and then there would be at least one other person reading my blog...Bitter no? Well maybe a little.

To my next point of business...all of you lazy slutty fingers out there find time to play online sodoku or check out perezhilton.com but you can't be bothered to leave a comment. Could be the reason I haven't posted in a coons age...but it's not...my fingers are as lazy and slutty as the next.

I want to say I'll be more regular and post daily or even weekly but I can't be held to committments like that. IE: I paid for Quinn to do swimming lessons- $50 for 7 sessions...she went to 2 of them....
WAIT THOUGH...she was sick, had asthma, one week was her birthday...and the last two weeks....well .....they're at 9:30a in the freakin morning!! Who can wake up, eat breakfast and be in their swimming gear and at the pool by 9:30a???? Seriously? And it's only 25 minutes long... like what's the point? I should have just found out when open pool time is and let her and her Dad go down for a couple hours....that would be well worth 50 bucks!!

Anyway, someone else just walked into their office so maybe I should pretend to do some work...although all this clickity click typing noise makes people think I'm doing something really important. Someone just walked by a couple minutes ago and said "listen to her type!"

TEEHEE!!

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Do Ladies Really Love Country Boys?

There's a new song out by Trace Adkins that states just that "Ladies Love Country Boys". I've dated....well...probably one country boy that I would stereotypically label such in my entire life and..umm....didn't love it so much.
For a few reasons...
1. He chewed- barf
2. He was a butcher-double barf
3. He wore wranglers-mmmkay, I can handle but he was stick skinny...
4. Poor grammar, vocab, etc.
5. Beer, Jeep Wrangler, Beer
6. And then there was the occasional show/musical/ballet that I wanted to see or that new sushi restaurant to try .... these things were really not up his alley and he would refuse...Red Lobster was as ritzy as it was gettin

OH SHIT! I forgot the best one of all
7. RACED DIRT BIKES
- I HATE THESE THINGS....no offense to ...well...yeah OFFENSE BIG-HARD-CORE-INTENTIONAL- OFFENSE! Dirt Bikes drive me nuts probably because of this relationship. I could've been hit by a bus, dead for 3 weeks and if he was busy racing he would have no clue. I'm convinced those bikes are a replacement for significant emotional distress, joy or what-have-you. If you race dirt bikes I question your childhood and capacity to hold a decent relationship & job.

So this probably doesn't sum up every "Country Boy". I hope there's a country boy out there graduated with honors from Yale, makes over 1mil./yr, recycles and just strives to make the world a better place. oh and I hope he drives a hybrid and HATES DIRT BIKES!

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Sizzler is the new black

Got home from work later than usual last night, absolutely nothing decent to eat in the house for dinner- except for an open can of spagetti-o's and that would only feed....me- Love me some spagetti-o's. ANYWHO!
Cort's been on this pizza kick....
nothing for dinner- PIZZA
nothing for lunch- PIZZA
Herniated disc- PIZZA
Late for a funeral- PIZZA
the funny thing is, he keeps bringing it up as an option and we haven't had yet, but just his constant idea has completely turned me off...I'm sick of pizza and haven't even taken a bite!

So we hop in the car and try the "spot a restaurant" game. You know, you just start driving and whatever you pass you shout out....you point on the right "how bout Red Lobster?"...oh look there on the left "olive garden". We ended up at Sizzler..yeah yeah Sizzler. For some reason Sizzler reminds Cort of Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown so Cort keeps performing these really bad Whitney impersonations "Bobby, get me some Mabilu Chicken (spelling error intentional)"

So we walk in and let me just throw this in there- Cort & I have been avoiding a lot of questionably public places lately because our little ball of toddlerness...for several reasons....most importantly she has no stranger danger and cannot tell the difference between inside & outside voices/behavior....she also lacks your basic sanity. So Sizzler probably wasn't the greatest choice but I was hungry and becoming bitchy... (WATCH IT!)

So we walk in and your usual crowd that frequents the Sizzler is representin...the dirty, the fat, the ugly...most of all though the swingin kids in their early 100s. I had no idea this is where our seniors came to chew their last steak. Cort and I opted for the Salad Bar with the mind set we could run up, grab our food & shove it down before Quinn had time to play the steak sauce bottle like a guitar, watch the lid fly off and pour down her brand new outfit, all over the booth and into the carpet....we were wrong. Salad Bar was like watching one legged, blind lab rats hunt for the last piece of moldy cheese. I had more than one 90 yr old say to me "go ahead of me" and usher me with their wrinkly hand onto the next item. UNFORTUNATELY there were about 25 seniors at any given time using the actual bar as a arm/elbow/chest rest. You couldn't get to anything. At one point I had to make some serious decisions...eat my beets while they were still chilled or wait for the egg...as you can guess...no egg for me last night. No a lot of things...no broccoli, cauliflower, baby corns...it was a sad salad with several limitations- definitely not all you can eat.
But the service made up for everything
1st of all- we had no idea until we were paying...3 years & under are FREE!!! WOOHOO! You mean Q can actually waste your food and I don't have to pay for it???? SWEET!
2nd- they are extremely child friendly....again, I had no idea, I never paired Sizzler with screaming children....I would more think Whitney & Bobby...but not Bobby Christina
A. They sat us in a back corner booth! No I was not offended, I was impressed..."yes my child is a hellion, do you have anything on the roof or perhaps in the kitchen"
B. They would sporadically come by and compliment her...cool whatever...yeah I think she's adorable too...
3rd- they checked on us a bajillion times...and Cort ran to the bathroom and said "hey when she comes back order me more shrimp"...she came back WITH SHRIMP!! I never had time to ask... AT THE SIZZLER!!
4th- 2 different "house managers" came by to ask us how everything was....at first I thought they were doing it because Quinn had grabbed their blinds and was screaming "HIIIIII" at the people eating on the deck, then dumped the sugar packets out of the container and threw them at the senior citizens sitting behind us...but then I noticed they were going to every table checking on everyone

So in conclusion: if you can get passed the nearly dead and maybe you should avoid the salad bar. And if you can swallow an average piece of steak...Sizzler is not so bad....definitely a good alternative to McDonald's

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Totally Turned Off

I like to think if people had to tag me as a conservative or liberal they would lean more liberal. But after the parent meeting at Quinn's school last night I'm not sure where I fall.

The school I chose for Quinn is an extremely liberal, creative, loosely structured ...well it's Waldorf . Very holistic approach to education; they respect nature, they learn where everything comes from, they learn to understand and love everyone and it's pretty cool. HOWEVER, the lack of organization, communication and the overall SNOTTINESS of this place is really getting to me.

I love Quinn's teacher and I love the woman who runs the school- I don't love the woman's husband. He's a complete ass. We show up at this meeting last night with a salad. The email specifically said- "it's a potluck, bring a dish" so the woman that runs the place, rushes over and says "oh thank god you brought something, barely anyone did so thank you!" I go to put it on the table and her asshole husband comes over and goes "what is that"I reply "Oriental chicken salad". His response "you better let everyone know it's not vegetarian". That's #1 oh and cram this salad spoon up your ungrateful vegetarian ass.

#2. We're in this meeting and they are going over the 5 year goal for the school. They are also discussing the fundamental beliefs of the school for example: tolerance. That's when asshole chimes in "I want to be clear there are certain things we are not tolerant of; it's our biggest pet peeve when kids wear Spiderman or Batman shirts or Dora...we are not tolerant of that". And we're not tolerant when they draw pictures of Television characters because those are someone else's artistic creations".

WHAT THE FUH? SERIOUSLY! Guess I've been in radio too long. Yeah I understand TV kills your brain, yeah I understand someone else came up with Spiderman. But inspiration comes from somewhere different for everyone....I do not want someone condescendingly and militantly telling my child they are a loser if they enjoy watching an episode of Dancing with the Stars. But let's be honest it was the mention of Dora that really pissed me off. Quinn loves Dora. Yeah we let her watch Nick Jr. and she asks to watch Dora. But more than anything my kid wants to go outside and play and draw pictures with her sidewalk chalk. Or rock her baby to sleep. or dance. My child is extremely creative and can still watch Dora...HOLY SHIT WHAT A CONCEPT.

A shocking fact they mentioned last night was 90% of the students last year did not return to the school this year....shocking no more...they are snobs...they make you feel like you are not part of the club unless you succumb to all of their "pet peeves" (that was one of my favorite parts...when he said that...so unprofessional).

Like I said, I thought I was a hippie I thought this school was pretty liberal/hippie, but Sarah told me once even hippies can be militant...and I think that's what I've run into here. I thought we would all hold hands and love each other and there was no wrong answer....apparently there is. This is just the kind of stuff I try to stay away from, I hate when people tell you if you do this or this then you are no longer part of the club. It reminds me a lot of religion...which we all know what I think of that.

Sadly, I think after this spring session is over I'm taking Quinn out and moving her to Montessori. At least there I know they are cool with Quinn wearing a Dora shirt.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I mean it this time

It's not you, it's me. Don't question yourself..I'm back....for good... No honey, I've always loved you, I was just going through one of those periods where I just needed to be alone to figure out what I really wanted in my life.... and that's you, I'll never doubt our relationship again. Don't you see how good we are together? I want to grow old with you and watch you crash my computer and have little baby blogs. Please trust me....and trust in our power of posting...

Friday, April 6, 2007

It's Friday

I'm having a pretty good hair day.
I was also hit on by a 17 year old boy at my event today...whilst wearing my wedding ring
perhaps I could win the lottery

Friday, March 30, 2007

why is this happening to me?

Okay, so London is haunting me

I'm dreaming about it every night
I'm analyzing everything in my life to figure out a way to move there. I want to live there....and I want to move there tomorrow.

Let me preface by saying I have never been to Europe and now this is the only place I've been.

What do I have a case of? Someone please diagnose me and assure me it will pass! Or have me take 2 Toffee Crisps and ring you on my mobile in the morning....

I've been drafting speeches in my mind that I'm going to give Quinn when she becomes a teenager about how we will fund her study abroad....SHE HAS TO DO IT!

Vedjen....I'm coming to you for support! Lil veddie did her Masters over in Jolly ole England....is that right Ved?

Monday, March 26, 2007

Disco's back, back again....

Post Nasal Trip Drip

I'm feeling quite...... lame

Here are some promises for you.

1. I promise I will never again make fun of Madonna's fake English accent because I will be using one now too
2. I promise to at least put on real clothes for the next 6 months...the fashion there was OUT OF THIS WORLD .....or should I say out of this country....VERY HIGH QUALITY and it hit me like a maxed out credit card
3. I promise to get pictures up and emailed out as soon as I find an hour by myself
4. I promise in every conversation I will refer to the royal family or Elizabethan history in some way, shape or form
5. I promise I'm going to be less of a big, fat, ignorant American....cuz that's what I felt like over there.

They report worldly news, they mix their tabloids with their real news and they say "is that to stay or take away?"

I'm in love
Beam me back Lizzie .....or Chuck....or even Camilla

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Brightside

I don't know if it's something about my childhood or how I feel about karma or what but I always force myself to see the shitty side of things or wonder why the shitties aren't happening to me.
For example: Trip to London....kickass muthafuckin trip to London
Inside my brain:
-Why is this happening to us? Why do we deserve this? What gives us the right to take advantage of this opportunity....

I know, I know.....exactly what you're thinking....SHUT UP ALREADY RANDI and take a fucking free trip to London.
But no, it doesn't work that way in my head.

And here's what I'm most concerned about:
I've been looking forward to this trip for at least the past 2 months. We've been preparing for it day in day out. New clothes, new cell phone (or should I say celly....that's what they say right? =) New car- well it wasn't exactly for the trip but Cort wanted to get it before we left....SEE EVERYTHING has been worked around this little trip. So how am I going to feel the day we come back? How do you cope? What a let down! I'm nervous that I'm going to have a breakdown when we get back since I've been looking forward to this for so long.
And that, my cyber mates is my biggest concern right now. Not that I leave on Monday for probably one of the most awesome hook ups in radio history but how will I feel come next Tuesday? Hmmm?



Sidenote: oooh Robin Thicke looks just like his dad....I can't see him as a sex object....sorry...watching VH1...he's like a Waaaaaay too clean cut Justin Timberlake....I feel like I'm waiting for Tracey Gold to walk in on this music video and ask her dad for lunch money and then wait for it.....laugh track.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Don't judge me!

Ahhh how I love to sit on my throne or cushy couch and shout distasteful things at the television during supernanny or wife swap. "these women call themselves MOTHERS?????".
Until this happened....
I'm working nights now and must wake up with my 22 month old alarm clock no matter how much I yearn to cover my ears with Cort's pillow. So my outfit these days consists of sweats, pony tail and shirt from last night. Make up - what's that?
Oh let me throw in this lovely side note. Quinn has developed this wonderful whining shrill that sounds like Chewbacca's little sister stuck in a blender. "UHHHHHHHHH" "UHHHHHHHHH" and she uses it for...um....everything. May I have a snack"UHHHHHH", Please turn the TV on mother "UHHHHHHHH", I think I peed in my diaper "UHHHHHH", Please transfer $4000 to my swiss account "UHHHHH". I'm sure you get the picture.
So we are at Target around 11:30a the other day. She has had breakfast, a mid morning snack and is fully clothed holding a sippy. So why oh why you ask is she superbly in a fucking pissed off mood? Well, because she's my daughter and we're in a public place and her mother is looking like complete shit wiped from our main bathroom trash can..(???) So chewy's lil sis right on cue starts in "UHHHHHHHHH". That's when I hang a right into the Target "deli" or whatever that little food/cafe thing is. As I TRY whipping the cart that QUINN PICKED OUT- you know the one I'm talking about. The Kid Cart with the big plastic kid holder in front and the rest of 20 feet of cart attached to that. It's truly comical to watch someone attempt to maneuver these buses through a grocery store.
ANYWAY, the cart IS.NOT.MAKiNG.A.RIGHT..GODDAMNIT. TURN CART TURN! As I'm willing the energy in the cart to just move it's ass, I notice all of the people in the Targe` Cafe` (heehee). Beautiful Blonde mommies, gymboree clad little girls with their hair in smooth shiny pig tails, eating their organic apple sauce, carrying on conversations with their mothers probably discussing the significance of the latin language or military strategy.
I'm starting to pit out and the muscles in or around my elbows are fatiguing trying to TURN THE GODDAMN CART. I notice these women looking at me. And of course Quinn "UHHHHHHHHH" at the top of her well matured lungs. Then I have to do the most embarrassing thing of all. Order Quinn the only thing I know she will definitely eat that will just keep her quiet. Soft Pretzel with butter and salt and a Sierra Mist please...yeah for my not-even-2-year-old. In fact, here, you can just dump out the water in the sippy cup and fill it up with pop. I could feel the stares burning into my 2 day old underwear and 3 inches of armpit hair.
And the mother of the year award goes to.......

Thursday, March 1, 2007

I see London, I see France (maybe)

WARNING: This is kind of a "gushing with excitement" bloggy....

So Cort & I are going to London in about....OH MY GOD....1 1/2 WEEKS! I just looked at a calendar for the first time.
Even though I've begged and begged my husband to find a new job it is his position that has landed him in the position to go to london. A movie producer wants to promote this movie called 'Picadilly Cowboy' and it first premieres in London. He thought it would be a great marketing move to send a DJ from as many radio stations as possible to the premiere to talk about it. The most awesome thing of all is it's a 6 day trip with a ton of other activities thrown in. The other most awesome thing is Cort worked it so I could come along. Apparently we are going to be hanging out with this guy and his wife- who is also going to promote it for SLC.
Anyway, I have a few concerns.....
1. I've never been to London- will the citizens of London be able to pick me out of a crowd miles away and mock my tourist natures and hate me forever?
2. Will I die in a firey crash over?
3. Do they really drink their soda without ice?
4. Will some well trained English child pick pocket me?
5. Can I meet the Queen & or Prince Wills?
6. Should I practice saying things like "jolly well" "cheerio"?

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

My MEME for YUYU

In case you don't know what a MEME is....well I don't really feel like explaining it but it's like a survey about you but it's 6 things people don't know about you...and I've been tagged by this fiery, hairy legged red head. And since most of the time no one can shut me up, I'm gonna have to think long and hard to find 6 things no one knows about me. OH sorry- just reviewed the definition of MEME and it's 6 weird things about me....I'm pretty weird so shouldn't be very hard

If you read my blogs then you probably know the first one, but shut up about it and enjoy 2-6

1. I'm afraid of aliens....this is not a joke, this is a serious confession of the randi-o broadcast system (my apologies, working 6 days a week is fabulously seeping into my brainery). Anyway, back to the extra terrestrial at hand- yes deathly afraid from cradle to my 30's ....think I've been abducted a couple times (should the abduction confession count as #2? should I ask the aliens?)

2. There are 7 things I refuse to eat and while I was dating my husband I forced him to memorize all 7 as a gesture of his true love and affection for me and would make him regurgitate them at parties like a monkey trick. Here they are in no particular order...I hate them all equally: Eggnog, All Types of Melon, fortune cookies, cotton candy, whoppers- the chocolate covered malt candy, licorice ,,,hmmm can't remember #7- just tried calling my husband and he didn't answer so as soon as I remember or he calls me back I will update hate list. OOH I just remembered what it was: Smores...I hate smores...YUCK!

3. I have changed my entire outfit while driving in the car. Now I haven't done it in a couple years now, but for a while there it seemed like it was almost a daily occurrence. Really it was only when I was leaving work late and trying to make a step class or yoga or what not.

4. I have peed in my car. Some of you may know this story and again to that I say shut up already and enjoy the wit and brilliance of my story telling skills. During my studious collegiate-ness at Western I was driving home one SAturday afternoon with all my laundry so my parents could wash it, buy me groceries and fill my tank. Western to Yaktown is about a 4 hour drive. 45 minutes into my drive there was a huge 4 semi accident on the freeway and everything was stopped. Everything was stopped FOR.EV.AH....so I sat in a dead standstill for about an hour reading my book and chewing gum and sippin on my Dr. Pepper. and sipping and sipping. Then I decided to stop sippin. Then I decided to stop chewing my gum, thinking that was a little too much movement for my body. Then I decided to no longer sit but perhaps thrust my pelvis up so I could stretch for a little more bladder room. Then I decided to look for anyway off the freeway, when that failed I decided to look for any type of dark area because it was about 3p in the afternoon oh and late spring...think Mayish. At this point gypsies have squatted and people are barbecuing and walking their dogs....I wish I was exaggerating....since I am such a calm person I frantically started staring out the window imagining that I could steal one of the orange cones on the ground bring it back to the car and use it as a funnel and pee into the teeny tiny 12 oz dr. pepper can. However, being the only person in my Cherokee and with the whole squatter situation I was afraid to get out. So again, the calm collected soul I am, I started CRYING I HAVE TO FUCKING PEEE BAAAADDDDDD!!! HELP HELP! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!
That's when it dawned on me- I have the entire basked of dirty clothes in the back seat.
With a sweatshirt over my head so I could have some privacy and 3 t-shirts under my butt- I Peed....and it was glorious and the warm, stench lingered until...well until I sold the car.

5. I enjoy pooping 3-4 times a day. It makes me feel cleansed. Sometimes I'll even drink more coffee just to assure my intestines will push through that 3rd or 4th session.

6. I think I sing really really well. No really really well. I will act shy in front of you and say "oh no I suck" but secretly in the bowels of my ego I think I fuckin rock. Like Sarah McLachlan rock...well maybe not that good...like Lindsay Lohan - with-the-proper-production-rock...which is still pretty damn good...I'll say

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Mastering the art of pooping

To most of us; pooping is a daily occurence we rarely think twice about.....like breathing...breathing hard...or sometimes holding our breath to just. get. that. one. enchilada out from last night....gross ....right?

My daughter is in the midst (or light yellow mist) of attempting to potty train. She likes her potty chair, she likes wiping with toilet paper and she likes washing her hands. It's all the inbetween stuff that we're still trying to work on. In fact, we're at the point now where - when it's time to peepee, she'll get in there and sit down and go on the potty chair. Granted, halfway through the stream she's so excited she's up cheering for herself as the rest of the tinkle runs down her leg and onto my bath mats (into the wash again for the 4th time this week).
But I really don't mind the mild little yellow peepees all over my bathroom floor.
It's the poop we can't get under control.

We've talked and talked and taken several formal tours of the bathroom, potty chair and big girl panties. Yet it seems to never fail. I should probably quit loading the dishwasher or taking phone calls...because once I complete my task, there are golden nuggets trailing around the toy box through the hallway and over the dining room chairs...oddly enough it takes about 5-10 seconds to hit all 3 of these locations with your own fecal matter.....let me just throw in a side note: you may be asking yourself how this happens when she's wearing Big Girl Panties? No, we've had to delay the Big Girl Panties because when we are wearing them, that seems to be one of the steps we miss...we will get the urge, run to the potty chair sit down and go....and forget to pull down our panties...so for now they have been eliminated from the entire equation...

Thank GOD we have hard wood floors...I couldn't imagine scraping poop out of carpet, and I pretty much have the routine down of picking up all solid mass with paper towels, dumping into toilet and then bleach wiping entire dookied area. Then comes "stage 2" - Quinn Clean up. You see.. through this entire Poop dance she has ran around willy nilly pooping freely so at this point there is poop down her legs, on her hands and sometimes up her shirt on her back....this, my friends, is talent but from what I've heard from other parents....kids can get poop anywhere...I believe our little scenario today landed some here.

In conclusion; I never realized my saavy pooping skills would be used to educate others...keep that in mind the next time you waste toilet paper or wipe front to back....

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Word Droppers

When I was in junior high my Dad started a "Word of the Day" for my brother and I. Each morning my brother & I would wake up to see a new word and it's definition posted on our cereal cupboard. Unfortunately, I believe word #3 was the last to post in front of the Wheaties.....the first one and the only one I remember is Marsupial.
I am a college graduate but I think my vocabulary leaves a lot of room for improvement and by a lot I mean PATHETICALLY....A LOT! Almost 30 years old and I still ask "what does that mean?'
ANYWAY, in the wide world of conversation there are word droppers and name droppers......
I don't really mind name droppers, in fact, I embrace them I love hearing about Jared Leto and his enormous ego and Lindsay Lohan and her whatever....I love it. I think people love hearing about Sugar Ray Leonard and how he felt me up (true story). But what turns me off is word droppers. These are the people that will drop a huge word into their conversation to show......something....intelligence....vast vocabulary....or the fact they are attempting to use it in the right context....which is almost never right.

Someone I work with attempts to do this all the time. All it does it allow me to leave their office with a solemn glow on my face realizing they have completely used the words "retro fit" in the wrong context....
Don't try to woooo me with your vocab.....most of the time I won't understand what you're trying to say anyway, isn't there another way you can show me how cool you are? Perhaps whip out your dick and a ruler? Or recite all 50 state capitals?

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

ME




Once in ballet class (I had to have been about 10 or 11 years old) one of the older girls giggled and said "we think you look like Stephanie on Full House". I didn't know how to take it, I was older than the girl playing Stephanie on Full House so I thought "they must think I look like a little girl". That began my apprehensions about looking like celebrities.

However, during my early 20's I got "you look like Jewel" and I was okay with that, I enjoyed her music and appreciated her fabricated rags to riches story. (If someone could explain to me how you live out of your van and date Sean Penn at the same time that would be great).

Then in my late 20's "you look like Lindsay Lohan" (great, again no problems with looking like a panty free 19 year old train wreck)

But the latest and greatest? I'm sitting at the Radiothon this weekend not minding my own business as usual and this girl comes up and says "you know who you look like? Tatum O'Neal"....WHATHAFUH? Never mind the fact the woman is in her 40's and been ridden hard & put away wet....seriously!! the colleague I was sitting by attempted to run interference...apparently the look on my face clearly responded (I guess that's what they mean by body language). The saddest thing about the whole situation is that I had taken time to wear a half way decent outfit and I had done my hair & make up.
So in the past few days I've had time to ponder this comment or consciously and subconsciously dwell/stress about my looks and if I look tons older than I should. maybe I do look like her- I can't see the resemblance, the only thing I see is that really bad television show that's played on one of our local channels late late on weeknights called "Wicked" that Miss O'Neal stars in and her wrinkled up face and bright (too bright) red lipstick.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

I cannot stand by and watch another great show walk right out of my life

Cort shared a theory with me yesterday that Studio 60 will be cancelled at the end of this 1st season and the only reason it was picked up was because the pilot was captivating.....I agree.
In fact I think that TV execs got a kick out of it because it's so close to reality.
I refuse to stand by and watch another show I LOVE be cancelled. Studio 60 has great writing and for those of you that enjoy a little romance it has that too!
Arrested Development (RIP)( *tear*) was one of the most intelligent shows EVER WRITTEN!! I truly believe that! And look how FOX fucked that one up...seriously...how can you screw with such good writing? How can you deny Tobias Funke`and his never nudes?
I L.O.V.E. Studio 60....well, maybe love is a strong word....I think Studio 60 is pretty hot and wouldn't mind a NCMO (in Utah talk that's Non-comm ital Make-Out)....and maybe just maybe it might turn into something more long term but how would I ever know if it was ripped from my bosom before I was done.
So let's all work together to stop Terrorism and keep my show on the air
Every time NBC cancels a show an angel gets it's 401K

Saturday, January 27, 2007

I am too old for Myspace

I know this much is true...and I really do accept it, but it's not a matter of acceptance, it's a matter of voyeurism....I love to lurk on people's myspace page....
But I digress...I will be 30 this year and last Sunday as I was trying on pants in the Macy's dressing room there were 3 teenage girls doing the same. Except they were trying on these really slinky dresses - not expensive enough to be a prom dress, more like "I'm hitting the clubs with Paris & Britney tonight (PANTY FREE IN 93!)"
Anywho, so squeals and "You look Like totally hot in that Kaitlyn" "OMG TAYLOR MADISON, you look so sexy" are coming from the dressing room....and I'm just laughing to myself fondly remembering my own "let's head to the Bon and try on dresses" adolescence.

When I finish trying on the oh so exciting black slacks, I head out of the fitting room, only to walk down the hall to see them standing out there taking pictures of each other in these dresses with their pink razor phones.

AND THEN I HEAR "Taylor this will be a super cute myspace picture for you"

Seacrest out!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Drive Thru Diagnosis

Yes we are a culture that is only concerned with the here and now and what can you do for me. I'm aware of that and I accept it like any other Middle Class American- by ordering the #2 Super sized, having my oil changed at the jiffy lube and making sure my roots get touched up every 6 weeks.
When it comes to my kid I want it even more. Here's what I'm getting at....I L.O.V.E. Quinn's Dr.'s office. I love everyone that works there, I love their personalities, I love their diagnostic decisions, concerns, etc. What I don't love is how I feel like I have to write a 10 slide power point presentation arguing the reasons she needs to get in.
I'm a first time mom and would really appreciate a little hand holding these first years....is there something wrong with that? Seriously? I'm asking?
It seems like in the beginning right after she was born they were really cool with me coming in a ton and I was grateful. But let's be honest- we sing our ABCs, we count 1-10 but I have NO idea what I'm doing as far as health goes. Other than surfing the web to find out when well baby check ups should be and what Hand, Foot & Mouth looks like, I'm clueless.
I just feel like every time I call, I'm a huge distraction, like they are barely able to "SQUEEZE me in or have this 5 second conversation with me".
When Cort had his car accident the EMTs at the scene said he should go directly to his family dr. for a complete check up.....I called them and couldn't get him in and I even explained to them what happened "sorry, there's no openings for 3 days".
I'm old enough to know Grass is never greener on the other side but believe me I've debated finding another dr. a million times. They are only 2 blocks away from our house though, so I've been able to walk home before. And like I said when I do get in they are wonderful and I share all of their same beliefs in medicine and treatment and blah blah blah....

I don't know if I'm way off base or if this is a common occurrence with everyone or what!

Signed,
Medical Mystery in Millcreek

Swearing

I love to swear.

It's liberating, it's powerful, it's emotional .....it's the best when you can't think of another word. (or could be best when holding a machete)

My husband likes to warn people "she swears" or warn me "just watch your language in front of them".... In fact the other day I was telling someone I had this blog and he interjected"beware, she swears on it"

I can see how on a little kid it's alarming (or really damn funny) i giggle when Quinn says shit And on your Grandma it can be disturbing...(again I think it's really funny)...love love when Great Nana says "bloody hell" (she's Canadian)

So maybe that's my problem, I think it's pretty entertaining when I hear someone swear. What I don't like is when people use really graphic, gross swear words that make you cringe when you hear them....I only like your everyday typical swear words. Or if someone is screaming in your face and swearing...that's a bit of a turn off as well.

Maybe I only enjoy swearing on my terms? Plus I think it's important to be witty with your swearing.

so, Fuck off already

P.S. If you too enjoy swearing, you should check out James Gunn's blog (he is a screenwriter and husband to Jenna Fisher who plays Pam on The Office) some of the best swearing sarcasm and wit I've ever read!!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Kid Peeves

I don't why I have this problem, but if I see people at the grocery store at like 10p and they have their little kid with them (12 yrs & under) I immediately judge them! HORRIBLE PARENT TO THE LEFT....I want to get on the store intercom and have an intervention with all of the store employees. Really though I want to rush home and talk shit about them with Cort.

I dont' know why I'm so extreme about it. But this leads me to the next thing- I work late now and the phone calls I get from 6, 7 & 8 year olds at 11:30p...I'm like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP STILL!!!". Where the hell are their parents???

Disclaimer: Now I have a child that doesn't keep a sleep schedule to save her life (or my sanity)and I totally understand the occasional "oh shit, we have no milk for tomorrow morning".
But I think little ones should have their bath and be in pjs by at least 8:30-9p.

The other thing I can't stand is seeing a toddler down a Diet Coke & Snickers in their stroller....And once again it could be Mom is on her last nerve and this child won't shut up....who knows...I just hear the dentists voice in my head from my last visit telling me little ones get cavities all of the time because baby teeth are extremely porous...I was at an "event" a few weeks ago and there was a little girl there the same age as Quinn and her mom fed her 2 Squeeze It's and a roll of those gummy life savers...

I'm pretty judgemental