Saturday, June 30, 2007

Bitch Please!

Weddings & Babies bring out the worst ASSVICE from the entire general public. Complete strangers will approach you on the street, interrupt your lunch, spark up conversation between bathroom stalls and tell you the what, where, why, & how of these 2 things. ...and if you don't do it that exact way YOU WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND YOUR DOG WILL DIE ON CHRISTMAS. plus...THEY TOLD YOU SO.
I didn't have a conventional wedding so I missed that but with the pregnancy....holy fetus batman...I got more than enough advice with my first one.
So I'm telling everyone with this second kid...don't bother trying....somewhere along the way, I turned it off....the ability to absorb anymore wives tales, good luck potions, etc.
I was enjoying a green tea the other day and someone from across the office fucking RUDELY interrupted my 5 seconds of antioxidant bliss "is that really okay for the baby?". My response "yes it's perfectly fine" inner pregnancy response "HEY FUCK YOU, ARE YOU FUCKING PREGNANT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PREGNANT...YEAH DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO...SHUT YOUR INEXPERIENCED, UNCONTROLLABLE FUCKING TOURETTES MOUTH BITCH!"
I'm probably capable of shanking someone in this first trimester

Furthermore, I don't care if you have been pregnant before I don't want your advice unless your telling me how great I am and showering me with compliments. Yeah, that's basically all I want to hear until I deliver; how great I am, gorgeous, hilarious and it wouldn't' hurt to throw money at me as I walk by you.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The Womb: Reloaded

Yes, the tabloids are true...I am knocked up once again. It's very early - I'm only 9 weeks along but boy oh I definitely know I'm pregnant.

Things Parent's Magazine doesn't' tell you about being pregnant

1. First off: Your body is no longer yours as you fondly remember it. It is now housing a foreign object that is literally sucking the very life out of you for itself. This should be your first warning sign.
2. Immune System Schimmune Schsytem: Your immune system forgets it's been working for you for the past 30 years and begins to wait hand and foot on the microscopic parasite invading your damn space! You could have SARS and your child-to-be is nestled comfy cozy dreaming of sugar plums...IE: my kid is fine but at the moment I have a sinus infection with a double ear infection....I haven't had an ear infection since I was 8!!! But like i said your immune system has forgotten your name and lost your number. When I was pregnant with Quinn I had pregnancy carpal tunnel, pink eye and any other random shit you can think of.
3. Gas: I don't know if it's because there's all of the sudden more room in your body but at this early point in your pregnancy you do not want to be having one night stands or sharing your bed with any strangers in general...your morning bed side manner is well...explosive
4: Massive Diarrhea: I've talked to a lot of women that are constipated through most of their pregnancy...not I. I get the most horrendous, painful lower back cramps where I'm sweating they hurt so bad and every morning I have awesome explosive .......awesomeness!
5. B.O.: This has got to be because of the increased amount of hormones in your body but I can apply deodorant 17 times a day and still I reek (wreak? reak?sp?) I also can grow 3 inches of armpit hair during a 20 minute episode of Blues Clues...another wonderful pregnancy party trick!
6. Puke on Command:brushing my teeth, coughing, singing, checking my email....I can puke I can also dry heave by request.

There are these women out there that claim they "didn't know they were pregnant" until the kid was crowning...but I ask you with all of these lovely doing flips during your last trimester and your vajayjay no longer resembling one during those last few do you not realize what the hell is going on?

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Pirates 101

Wilmer on the Red Carpet- he ignored us...I kept calling his name asking him to come over!

Many of you have been waiting for this....come on at least PRETEND!! I did tell a few I would blog about my experience on the red carpet and actually did start typing this really long, detailed blog and now it's just to novella for me to I'm going to make this one a little more to-the-point!

Cort's morning show was asked to be on the red carpet for the Premiere of Pirates 3, but Buena Vista would only send 1 person so they sent Cort and I being the trophy wife bought a new dress and tagged along.

After being to London on business and having "that" sort of treatment..nothing is comparing quite as London E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. was paid for and I mean everything....down to, they bought Cort a new Euro cell phone so it would be easier for him to call people.

ANYWAY- let me just stop for a sec and say Pirates was great....but not London...

now for the scoop.

So we arrive at Disneyland at 4:30p as all the paperwork states and get our "media" badges. They then show us where our booth is on the red carpet. Out of 192 booths, we are 181...yeah...#1 is People Magazine, #2 MTV, #3 E!...and on and Salt Lake City radio station of course is going to be at the end. And as it turned out a few didn't show up so we were 2nd to last...BUT THAT'S OKAY..

The actual movie doesn't start until 8p but we had to be in place by 5p....

So we get to the booth and Disney is very professional...they have all of your equipment on and ready to go, headphones, an engineer and assistant and your beckon call. Plus they give you tons of we got 2 commemorative Pirates huge books, Pirates beach towels, Pirates velvet hats that say 'dead men tell no tales, muhahahaha" and on and on...a bunch more commemorative stuff...very cool.

The Disney Reps also hand you a bio's got every single celeb that is going to be on the red carpet and a little bio on them. It's also got all the stuff on the movie and how it was made blah blah blah.

The reps also tell you who- out of the big names you are going to be able to interview. "no johnny depp" "yes Orlando but it's going to be a pod interview" meaning us and 1 other radio station at the same time. Out of all of the people that crossed the red have about 3-5 A-List celebs: Johnny depp, Orlando Bloom, Teri Hatcher, Kobe Bryant....mmm that might be about it...the rest are TOTAL B, C & D celebs...

STILL..very cool- no complaints

Most memorable moments:

We were so excited to interview Cloris Leachman because we both love her as the one-legged mean grandma on Malcolm...but she was like....on something and couldn't answer anything in a Full English that was a let down

One of the best interviews was Mark Curry- You know "Hangin with Mr. Cooper"..he was really cool and made some joke about how the cleaners had burnt his suit so he had to get a new one at the last minute or people would be thinking "man that Mr. Cooper is broke!"...pretty fun

Another good interview was the Dancing with the stars finalists: Apollo & Juliane and Joey Fatone and that Cheryl girl...they were really cool- they were actually not doing radio interviews but were hanging around our booth talking and so I grabbed them and started asking them questions...Joey Fatone is pretty thin in real life.

Ian Ziering was also there and we interviewed him...everything was going well until I said "so are going on tour with the Dancing with the Stars" (cuz you know they go on tour after the show is over) and he says "no I'm not I"m going to see a movie right now" and drops the mic on our table and walks off!! Totally cut me off!! ASS!

Cort's favorite interview was with Meredith Eaton she's on Boston Legal as Denny Crane's love interest...she's a little person. Cort loves her and she was a great interview...very very nice probably the nicest person on the red carpet. Cort got a picture with I will post it as soon as I can.

She came with Martin Klebba who's in Pirates 3 and he was a pretty good interview as well...when we asked him what he was doing next he said spending time with his son...he said Pirates is a hectic schedule and he just wanted some down time.

Long story short...the interviews we were promised we did not get- Orlando...we were also promised Bill Nighy (Davy Jones) and they would hand us a D-Lister to interview and then whisk the A-Lister past us as we were in mid-interview....don't think it was really a tactic...they ran out of time....I was also bummed because I REALLY wanted to interview Teri Hatcher but she was a biggie and had about 20 in her entourage....Johnny Depps was the biggest entourage....not surprising....oh and Masi Oka- the Asian kid from Heroes had the most beautiful stick skinny supermodel on his arm! And she was about 3 inches taller than him.

After the event, Disney escorts you to the media building where they have free food and drinks as long as you want....

All in all it was a fun experience and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Blogging at work

Is probably a huge no no but I'm sitting here at 4:23p on Friday afternoon and I see exactly one person in my peripheral....NO ONE IS HERE.
And let's be of hands for those of you who myspace at work. Yes I'm raising my hand...what better way to look forward to finishing a project than anticipating the red screaming letters "NEW MESSAGES". Plus my myspace song is really lame right now so I'll eat up about 10 minutes trying to find the newest coolest song...gots to stick with the trends.

So....yes, I'm blogging at work and under someone else's log if a history was pulled on this person they would see my blog and then there would be at least one other person reading my blog...Bitter no? Well maybe a little.

To my next point of business...all of you lazy slutty fingers out there find time to play online sodoku or check out but you can't be bothered to leave a comment. Could be the reason I haven't posted in a coons age...but it's fingers are as lazy and slutty as the next.

I want to say I'll be more regular and post daily or even weekly but I can't be held to committments like that. IE: I paid for Quinn to do swimming lessons- $50 for 7 sessions...she went to 2 of them....
WAIT THOUGH...she was sick, had asthma, one week was her birthday...and the last two weeks....well .....they're at 9:30a in the freakin morning!! Who can wake up, eat breakfast and be in their swimming gear and at the pool by 9:30a???? Seriously? And it's only 25 minutes long... like what's the point? I should have just found out when open pool time is and let her and her Dad go down for a couple hours....that would be well worth 50 bucks!!

Anyway, someone else just walked into their office so maybe I should pretend to do some work...although all this clickity click typing noise makes people think I'm doing something really important. Someone just walked by a couple minutes ago and said "listen to her type!"