The Womb: Reloaded

Yes, the tabloids are true...I am knocked up once again. It's very early - I'm only 9 weeks along but boy oh boy...do I definitely know I'm pregnant.

Things Parent's Magazine doesn't' tell you about being pregnant

1. First off: Your body is no longer yours as you fondly remember it. It is now housing a foreign object that is literally sucking the very life out of you for itself. This should be your first warning sign.
2. Immune System Schimmune Schsytem: Your immune system forgets it's been working for you for the past 30 years and begins to wait hand and foot on the microscopic parasite invading your damn space! You could have SARS and your child-to-be is nestled comfy cozy dreaming of sugar plums...IE: my kid is fine but at the moment I have a sinus infection with a double ear infection....I haven't had an ear infection since I was 8!!! But like i said your immune system has forgotten your name and lost your number. When I was pregnant with Quinn I had pregnancy carpal tunnel, pink eye and any other random shit you can think of.
3. Gas: I don't know if it's because there's all of the sudden more room in your body but at this early point in your pregnancy you do not want to be having one night stands or sharing your bed with any strangers in general...your morning bed side manner is well...explosive
4: Massive Diarrhea: I've talked to a lot of women that are constipated through most of their pregnancy...not I. I get the most horrendous, painful lower back cramps where I'm sweating they hurt so bad and every morning I have awesome explosive .......awesomeness!
5. B.O.: This has got to be because of the increased amount of hormones in your body but I can apply deodorant 17 times a day and still I reek (wreak? reak?sp?) I also can grow 3 inches of armpit hair during a 20 minute episode of Blues Clues...another wonderful pregnancy party trick!
6. Puke on Command:brushing my teeth, coughing, singing, checking my email....I can puke I can also dry heave by request.

There are these women out there that claim they "didn't know they were pregnant" until the kid was crowning...but I ask you with all of these lovely doing flips during your last trimester and your vajayjay no longer resembling one during those last few months....how do you not realize what the hell is going on?