Sunday, December 31, 2006

The Book of Excuses

One day I'm going to sit down and write a book of excuses.....because I have many, I just can't think of all of them right now. And I couldn't possibly start it right now because I have so much other stuff to do. Which is hard when you have a toddler- I can't clean when she's sleeping...yet when she's awake I can't do much except entertain her. It's hard to make dinner when there's not a lot of food in the house, but the weather's so bad, I don't really want to drive in it to the store for groceries.
I could clean the basement when Quinn's sleeping since she's upstairs, but most of the crap is Cort's and I just wouldn't know where to begin, PLUS the xmas storage boxes are sitting out and well- we've still got the decorations up. I could take them down, but this is one of my only days off and I would like to relax.
I would love to relax more....but there's just so much to be done.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Salem Witch Trials.....

Little America Jr. made Daddy proud yesterday. Fucking ridiculous. What will we have the little puppets do next? Going to be a long line of dead people if we're executing everyone that commits genocide.....and I mean that in the most empathetic way possible.
And if we're so fucking generous with our time & money, how come we're not in Darfur or Namibia rebuilding...oh I'm sorry...BUILDING communities....we only play with those who tell us they have pretty shiny things behind the curtain? Or wait, is that big, shiny oily things?

In what right mind did this make sense? What was the point? Eye for an eye? The 69 year old man had NOTHING LEFT...why give him the justice of resting? Why not use him as a pawn in this cluster fuck we call...hmmm...what are we calling it these days? Is it still the war on terror or the war on religion or the war on war? Do I wear a pink ribbon, yellow ribbon or a mini noose on my lapel?

Pres. Bush is responsible for the deaths of our soldiers over there...and has ordered them to kill for what he thinks is right.....great! Hang him next!! How is this ANY different? And don't let anyone fool you, we've killed innocent women & children over there....don't let ANYONE fool you!

Randi Disclaimer: I have many friends and relatives that are in the military (heck my parents are veterans) and I respect everyone that is willing to dedicate themselves and serve their country....I really do. I don't have a problem with any of them. But even my parents disagree with the situation.

This is just so 1960's....I never thought I would live to see something like seemed so barbaric to me....and using the argument of "well look at what he did"...yeah but how does that make it okay for us to do the same? This does remind me of the Salem Witch Trials....soon enough we'll be going country to country performing public hangings of those we disagree with.

Evil is as evil does...

Barack Obama in 2008!!!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Suicide Tuesday

When you take Ecstasy on a Friday or Saturday night you usually feel the side effects or coming down from being so high and happy on Tuesday...this has been nicknamed Suicide Tuesday....This is when reality usually sets back in and all of those strangers you made out with creep to the front of your mind and "What the hell did I do? OH MY GOD....How long before I can show my face in public again" these words are repeatedly muttered in your very very unfortunately lucid consciousness.....then throw in a POUNDING headache that won't leave even with a quad mochaccino or Vicodin.....

Very comparable to the few days right after Christmas.....
You've financially ejaculated all over the season and have nothing left to get you through the rest of Dec. So everyone is depressed; hiding behind the leftover cordial cherries and wishing they hadn't promised that Abercrombie & Fitch sweater a nice, warm home. Not only are you broke but your house is a complete disaster...with shreds of left over wrapping paper, miscellaneous parts to gadgets you didn't realize Santa gave you, and nowhere to put any of it. "Do I remove the coffee pot to make room for the new Extreme Tickle Me George Foreman Grill?"

Our house looks like there was a Disney Princess Orgy just getting started, King Triton came home unexpectedly, broke the whole thing up and everyone left in a hurry; leaving most of their crap behind ...oh and throw a cabbage patch doll in the mix.
a pink, lacy, royal site.

So now what? I personally start looking forward to Martin Luther King Day, President's Day and the day after one of our annual events here- a Radio Telethon...
So whatever helps you survive Suicide Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday...whether it be random Monday holidays, knowing you won't go in debt again for another 11 months or that you're becoming a Jehovah's witness.....I see nothing wrong with a little mental & emotional management...or flat out lies you tell yourself to cope...

There's no hot line number to call where someone will talk you down from the Christmas tree or prevent you from slitting your wrist with a broken angel ornament.....

Friday, December 22, 2006

Keep the MASS in Christmas

So....I wrapped the majority of presents I've purchased for my darling daughter and lovely husband and fought back the queasiness accumulating over that 90 minutes as I calculated just how much money was spent....HOLY MASTERCARD!
Let's keep in mind my kid is 1!!! As in 1 year old....and guess what Santa is bringing her beside the" activity section" of Toys R US....she is getting a Kareoke Machine...yep....she's 1...yep...
Now it's a kid's kareoke machine, but come on....she's also getting a bongo drum, moroccas, and a ton of other stuff that has me convinced we need to move to fit all of her new toys in a bigger house with more bedrooms.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Stop and watch the snow fall

This has become my daughter's new past time. She loves to push her booster seat up to the picture window and stare out it for hours on end....well she's 19 maybe a good 20 minutes...but it's hilarious. She definitely got the voyeuristic gene from me, Cort, her grandparents or .....frankly from anyone else she's related to in this nosy family.
I would love to be able to sit in front of a window for an infinite period of time; enjoy the scenery, collect my thoughts and just. plain. relax. I can't remember the last time I wasn't thinking "okay if I just finish A, B & C; I can go pee and change my shirt". I reward myself with using the bathroom, eating a meal or clipping my toenails....really.
Everything moves so quickly anymore and that doesn't upset me, but I wish there was certain times it could slow down for just a bit so I could enjoy these little moments when I catch my 1 year old rocking her monkey to sleep in her Dora chair, or putting Elmo to bed on the couch or climbing into her booster seat to watch the snow fall.

Monday, December 18, 2006

This post may KILL YOU

so I am one for really I am...seriously...I love a little drama in my coffee every morning.
I watch the news, I skim, I religiously read my parents why must there be so many viruses, deadly bacteria or flying gnomes that I had no idea can and will kill me eventually?
This in light of the Great Olive Garden Debacle of 2006 & the E Coli American Tour (no more running for the'll have projectile vomiting and a case of the gordita squirts on the way, so you might want to walk slowly while clenching your butt cheeks trying to avoid all bright lights and loud noises).
On the scale of "Holy Crapness" it doesn't take much to get my goat and this stuff scares the crap out of me. But the only thing that makes me a little skeptical is how come I didn't know about these things before? I mean, come on...I'm almost 30 years come I've never heard of Norovirus until now? Is it new? Maybe....I have no idea. Granted, E Coli has been around for the past few years it just seems like these days more and more people enjoy wiping their asses with their food preparing hand or wiping the asses of their slaughter cows and then enjoying a delightful hamburger and sharing with their friends.
My husband was able to put the Bird Flu into perspective for me and the Black Plague since there was a case a couple months ago in California (how the hell do you contract the Black Plague? FOR RIZZEL? I guess it's cured with like a hefty dose of Tylenol or some over-the-counter shit now)... don't expect the words Black Plague to go over like Chicken Pot Pie watching the 10 o'clock news- (Randi darts up in bed, "WHAT, OH MY GOD, WHAT?")
The other irritation (no it's not a rash) I have is that if you're going to freak me out with a new disease...give me a vaccine or a unicorn with a sweet rainbow at the end of the story. I will vaccinate the shit out of myself and my family (immunization blog). But I can't do anything but exercise my usual paranoia if I know I'm playing Russian roulette with my subway sandwich everyday.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Top 10 Reasons I need a Laptop

10. I want to blog leisurely wherever I may be
9. I enjoy a random lap warming from an overworked motor
8. The basement has ghosts
7. I want to sit at Starbucks and pretend I'm writing my dissertation
6. no more Rude Randi "When are you getting off the computer?"
5. I need to be able to answer my myspace fans at a moment's notice
4. Black & Grey my colors
3. who doesn't want MAXIMUM BLING
2. Tap into someone else's wireless connection and BLAMO- You've got mail...
1. I've been really good all year Santa....

Friday, December 15, 2006

Hit me baby one more time!

It was a beautiful, freezing cold Thursday afternoon, Cort was driving to purchase T-shirts for his morning show that spelled out Cort (see side pic) and as he was making a left hand turn- a Ford Explorer running a red light T-boned him.
Luckily: a traffic cop was at the stop light right next to Cort & saw the whole thing go down. Plus 2 other witnesses.
Unluckily: our little friends that hit my husband are undocumented hispanic females with out driver's licenses or insurance. In fact, they did not own the car they were in.
SOOOOOO....our insurance has to claim it, we pay the deductible and Aide Munoz & Leticia Muniz go back to their home in West Valley and forget any of it ever happened.
I hope I don't sound bitter....I mean, I make sure my driver's license is valid, I pay my auto insurance each month but I'm starting to wonder why? Why am I following the rules only to be stuck with higher insurance and a $500 deductible?
I guess I pray to the Karma Gods or just continue to watch My Name is Earl for encouragement!!
Happy Holidays!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Tis the Season Gimme Gimme

Why is it that Christmas brings out the most greedy people? Or maybe they save up all year long and then "let'er rip" Dec. 1st and on.....
As most of you know what I do all day long....let me fill you in on the part I try to forget about it.
I have to be nice....YES ME! I have to PRETEND to be nice....and it takes every inch of my stretched out, tired and artificially enhanced body to not tell them to FUCK OFF after about 5 seconds of listening to their bullshit stories....
Did you realize that EVERYONE in Utah is down on their luck this year. They have nothing....and because they have nothing- not a pot to piss in- they want concert tickets or concert flyaways...

Redneck Math
Kidney Failure + Country Radio Station = Free Brad Paisley Tickets
Dead Baby + Country Radio Station = $100 Gift Card to Walmart

I'm sorry to be so cynical and ruthless, but I hear these stories 100 times a day. Why have they waited so long to do anything...P.S. McDonald's is STILL HIRING...

I watched a local television station "Grant a Christmas wish" by showing up at this family's house unexpectedly and bring them gifts. When the reporter asked the 10 yr old boy what he wanted for Christmas...expecting this to be her shining moment where her station could take this piece of the bit to use in the Holiday promo ...what do you think he said?
He said "I want a PS3"......
Welcome to Utah or to America...which is it?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Say Cheese for Bad Santa

My brother, sister-in-law & niece live in Idaho Falls, so the entire fam- including my parents ventured up there this weekend to get family pictures taken. Like any other family get together; the second we arrived my mother declared "WE MUST GO TO THE MALL". So, in hot pursuit of items unspecified, we were off! As we strolled by the JC Penney there was Santa & his Lair....all set up and calling for small, unimpressed children and of course their parents or grandparents with open wallets. We are Americans, drive big trucks, eat McDonald's and own IPODS.... it's only natural for us to YEARN for an overweight seasonal mall employee dressed in a red rental costume, counting the minutes until his next cigarette break to hold our children and capture that special moment, post in our fridge, send it to our families and just keep it forever! "Here, look here grandma this is little Madison Taylor Grace and Jerry from the halfway house- he works at the Prison until his parole is up but during Christmas he spreads joy to all of the children in the Tri-State Region.

CUT TO THE CHASE ALREADY! Our turn- after a good 25 minutes in line (enough time to continually "pump" Quinn up for the big meet n greet and keep her preoccupied from pointing and screaming at the kid zone [*see side note*]). We get right up to Santa and all of the sudden I have a toddler attached to me by her fingernails (she grows fingernails on command like Teenwolf). So Santa starts making friendly chit chat with me to make her a little more comfortable, "Oh Mommy!, I haven't seen you in ages". I reply, "I know Santa I haven't gotten any good gifts for a while.....since I've seen you last". He laughs and we hug and I've gained enough momentum now to pry the fingernails out of my arm skin and situate an 8 month old Sage that is taking all of her cues from her older cousin.
With everyone sitting on Santa's lap, we're ready and I'm on one side of the camera and my mother on the other doing the 'look here, looky here, cute widdle girls, smile, smile, look here say CHEESE, EVERYONE SAY CHEESE' jump up and down dance.
Santa then says to me, "Mommy, you keep dancing like that and you'll get a lot of presents this year". (me- blank stare)

The End.
- it's a good thing I'm an adult and shit like that won't stick with me through my childhood and completely change my view on Santa....I think it's time for Jerry to have a conjugal visit from Miss Clause in the Halfway House

SIDE NOTE: NEVER again, will I allow Quinn to play in the "Kid Zone" at the Mall. HOLY SHIT! I think 2 kids were killed in the metallic Hotdog- also known as Pooh's Hollow while we were there. I literally saw 2 little boys wrestling on the adult benches, SWEATING and one threw the other over the kid zone wall, he landed on a garbage can.

Friday, December 8, 2006

Smog Blog

There have been some technical difficulties at discorandi, so my apologies for the belated bloggings...
We have here in SLC what's called Inversion. And though I don't know exactly what it means or does, we live in the valley and when it gets fairly cold the air will act as a cover over the valley to keep it warm. HOWEVER, the smog and pollution cannot get out SO those respiratorily challenged like my daughter have asthma attacks. That's whats been HAPPENIN at the P'Pool Johnson farm. We've been nebulizing and inhaling and making large purchases like air purifiers. Don't worry, daily Quinn updates by request =)

Anyway, I've just realized my dream of living in L.A. has evaporated into thin air like the Xopenex in Quinn's nebulizer.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

All my exes live in Texas....and Washington....and maybe a few in Oregon?

There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those who can remain friends with their exes and those who cannot. Here's the thing- now I know that after any break up whether it be completely mutual or he's a certifiable bastard with the brain of a gnat everyone needs time apart. But after the dust settles, you have to remember you shared an intimate portion of your life with that person and there's a reason why.
I like to not regret all of my past again- I have dated the occasional psycho "what-the-hell-was-that" but it's usually ended in 3 dates or less. I'm talking about the people you have the Long-Term shit with. I don't see a problem maintaining a low-key acquaintanceship (holy shit it's a word!!) with them. In fact, I think they are good acquaintances to have in your court. They know you VERY WELL and know you too are crazy but they can see through all the bullshit and still communicate with you. I actually think they may be the best kind of acquaintances to have!
For example: Cort & I were in Vegas a couple months ago and I saw a B-List celeb in the New York New York. I could remember all this stuff about the guy but couldn't think of his name to save my life. But I knew who ex Justin. So I called Justin and he knew right away. We chatted for a minute about work and life and that was about it. I occasionally still hear from his sister and I think it's great. And we didn't' have the best break up but it was 5 years ago- we're both over it.

Life is fluid and cyclical. Why harbor unnecessary regret? Why burn bridges you can cross in different ways or shut out people you can network with for the rest of your life?

Springer's Final Thoughts: I'm not promoting you contact a psychotic ex you've voluntarily admitted yourself into the "Witness Protection Program" because of (what horrible sentence structure randi!), and I don't' think you should talk to these people everyday, but the occasional email or phone call (like your 2nd cousin in Poughkeepsie,NY) is good, healthy and like I said to have someone that has seen your crazy side and still communicates with you is good to have in your court.

luckily I have Cort in my court too!

Monday, December 4, 2006

The 15 second shower

Back in the days of yore or B.Q. (Before Quinn), I could roll out of bed WHENEVER, lie on the couch for a good hour or two, drink a latte and ponder life. Then I had a child. Pooping is the only thing I can do on my own time now...and 90% of the time I have a visitor in the bathroom with me. That visitor usually wants to discuss my crotch or belly button or the freckles on my legs. So showering has become a partnership event as well. Again, let me paint a beautiful picture of a woman who used to take 45 minute long showers. Making sure every leg hair had been shaved, eye make up completely removed, conditioner evenly distributed and every inch of her body loofa'd. And sometimes she'd just stand in there and mentally organize her day.
So here's what happens now: I decide at 8:30a in the morning that eventually today I want to get a shower in, because in most cases it's been a few days.
SO- by 10:30a...I'm getting excited thinking it may actually happen.
I relocate the baby monitor from her bedroom to the living room.
I turn on a fantastic episode of Blues Clues, fan an array of expensive toys out on the colorful foam letters that now take up my living room and sit one little girl on her princess couch with a binky, full sippy cup, and a bowl of gold fish crackers.
Then I tip toe into the bathroom, leave the door open a crack and get to business.

NO MORE THAN 2 1/2 minutes later-
I have a blue eyed binky monster staring at me "WHAT DOIN?" and from here there is dialogue until....well until she's tucked in that night. During this time though, we go back and forth- she shoves something through the shower curtain and I respond "no no, put that away" and this goes on and on...
This is where the 15 second shower kicks in. I usually get 1/2 a leg shaved- forget it I'll do it later. My face gets a once over, conditioner is a joke, loofa- what's that?

In Quinn's 15 seconds- she has found an old razor in the garbage and is using it on her cheek, poured an entire bottle of Pantene Pro-V in her potty chair and also on her cheeks and in her hair, dumped the box of Q-tips and shoving each one into her ears, found some old make up and has brown eye shadow on her chin, AND finally thrown half a roll of toilet paper into the commode.

Perhaps I should conquer the 7 second shower.....

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Poppin the Disco

Greetings! My first blog ever! Well, technically not ever I did have a minor blogging career over on myspace but hopefully this will open up the undiscovered potential of my left brain and the words will just start a-flowin. With this blog I also did open up a gmail account so I'm now
Oh and YES this is much inspired by the one and only and extremely witty Vedjen. To you I owe my Oscars, Grammys & belief in Nick Lachey. My family thanks you.

Alright- less is more, so I'm going to go back to designing this fabulous Blogspot and hopefully one day will be able to afford my very own url address!! Dear Santa or Baby Jesus...