Tuesday, February 20, 2007


In case you don't know what a MEME is....well I don't really feel like explaining it but it's like a survey about you but it's 6 things people don't know about you...and I've been tagged by this fiery, hairy legged red head. And since most of the time no one can shut me up, I'm gonna have to think long and hard to find 6 things no one knows about me. OH sorry- just reviewed the definition of MEME and it's 6 weird things about me....I'm pretty weird so shouldn't be very hard

If you read my blogs then you probably know the first one, but shut up about it and enjoy 2-6

1. I'm afraid of aliens....this is not a joke, this is a serious confession of the randi-o broadcast system (my apologies, working 6 days a week is fabulously seeping into my brainery). Anyway, back to the extra terrestrial at hand- yes deathly afraid from cradle to my 30's ....think I've been abducted a couple times (should the abduction confession count as #2? should I ask the aliens?)

2. There are 7 things I refuse to eat and while I was dating my husband I forced him to memorize all 7 as a gesture of his true love and affection for me and would make him regurgitate them at parties like a monkey trick. Here they are in no particular order...I hate them all equally: Eggnog, All Types of Melon, fortune cookies, cotton candy, whoppers- the chocolate covered malt candy, licorice ,,,hmmm can't remember #7- just tried calling my husband and he didn't answer so as soon as I remember or he calls me back I will update hate list. OOH I just remembered what it was: Smores...I hate smores...YUCK!

3. I have changed my entire outfit while driving in the car. Now I haven't done it in a couple years now, but for a while there it seemed like it was almost a daily occurrence. Really it was only when I was leaving work late and trying to make a step class or yoga or what not.

4. I have peed in my car. Some of you may know this story and again to that I say shut up already and enjoy the wit and brilliance of my story telling skills. During my studious collegiate-ness at Western I was driving home one SAturday afternoon with all my laundry so my parents could wash it, buy me groceries and fill my tank. Western to Yaktown is about a 4 hour drive. 45 minutes into my drive there was a huge 4 semi accident on the freeway and everything was stopped. Everything was stopped FOR.EV.AH....so I sat in a dead standstill for about an hour reading my book and chewing gum and sippin on my Dr. Pepper. and sipping and sipping. Then I decided to stop sippin. Then I decided to stop chewing my gum, thinking that was a little too much movement for my body. Then I decided to no longer sit but perhaps thrust my pelvis up so I could stretch for a little more bladder room. Then I decided to look for anyway off the freeway, when that failed I decided to look for any type of dark area because it was about 3p in the afternoon oh and late spring...think Mayish. At this point gypsies have squatted and people are barbecuing and walking their dogs....I wish I was exaggerating....since I am such a calm person I frantically started staring out the window imagining that I could steal one of the orange cones on the ground bring it back to the car and use it as a funnel and pee into the teeny tiny 12 oz dr. pepper can. However, being the only person in my Cherokee and with the whole squatter situation I was afraid to get out. So again, the calm collected soul I am, I started CRYING I HAVE TO FUCKING PEEE BAAAADDDDDD!!! HELP HELP! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!
That's when it dawned on me- I have the entire basked of dirty clothes in the back seat.
With a sweatshirt over my head so I could have some privacy and 3 t-shirts under my butt- I Peed....and it was glorious and the warm, stench lingered until...well until I sold the car.

5. I enjoy pooping 3-4 times a day. It makes me feel cleansed. Sometimes I'll even drink more coffee just to assure my intestines will push through that 3rd or 4th session.

6. I think I sing really really well. No really really well. I will act shy in front of you and say "oh no I suck" but secretly in the bowels of my ego I think I fuckin rock. Like Sarah McLachlan rock...well maybe not that good...like Lindsay Lohan - with-the-proper-production-rock...which is still pretty damn good...I'll say

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Mastering the art of pooping

To most of us; pooping is a daily occurence we rarely think twice about.....like breathing...breathing hard...or sometimes holding our breath to just. get. that. one. enchilada out from last night....gross ....right?

My daughter is in the midst (or light yellow mist) of attempting to potty train. She likes her potty chair, she likes wiping with toilet paper and she likes washing her hands. It's all the inbetween stuff that we're still trying to work on. In fact, we're at the point now where - when it's time to peepee, she'll get in there and sit down and go on the potty chair. Granted, halfway through the stream she's so excited she's up cheering for herself as the rest of the tinkle runs down her leg and onto my bath mats (into the wash again for the 4th time this week).
But I really don't mind the mild little yellow peepees all over my bathroom floor.
It's the poop we can't get under control.

We've talked and talked and taken several formal tours of the bathroom, potty chair and big girl panties. Yet it seems to never fail. I should probably quit loading the dishwasher or taking phone calls...because once I complete my task, there are golden nuggets trailing around the toy box through the hallway and over the dining room chairs...oddly enough it takes about 5-10 seconds to hit all 3 of these locations with your own fecal matter.....let me just throw in a side note: you may be asking yourself how this happens when she's wearing Big Girl Panties? No, we've had to delay the Big Girl Panties because when we are wearing them, that seems to be one of the steps we miss...we will get the urge, run to the potty chair sit down and go....and forget to pull down our panties...so for now they have been eliminated from the entire equation...

Thank GOD we have hard wood floors...I couldn't imagine scraping poop out of carpet, and I pretty much have the routine down of picking up all solid mass with paper towels, dumping into toilet and then bleach wiping entire dookied area. Then comes "stage 2" - Quinn Clean up. You see.. through this entire Poop dance she has ran around willy nilly pooping freely so at this point there is poop down her legs, on her hands and sometimes up her shirt on her back....this, my friends, is talent but from what I've heard from other parents....kids can get poop anywhere...I believe our little scenario today landed some here.

In conclusion; I never realized my saavy pooping skills would be used to educate others...keep that in mind the next time you waste toilet paper or wipe front to back....

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Word Droppers

When I was in junior high my Dad started a "Word of the Day" for my brother and I. Each morning my brother & I would wake up to see a new word and it's definition posted on our cereal cupboard. Unfortunately, I believe word #3 was the last to post in front of the Wheaties.....the first one and the only one I remember is Marsupial.
I am a college graduate but I think my vocabulary leaves a lot of room for improvement and by a lot I mean PATHETICALLY....A LOT! Almost 30 years old and I still ask "what does that mean?'
ANYWAY, in the wide world of conversation there are word droppers and name droppers......
I don't really mind name droppers, in fact, I embrace them I love hearing about Jared Leto and his enormous ego and Lindsay Lohan and her whatever....I love it. I think people love hearing about Sugar Ray Leonard and how he felt me up (true story). But what turns me off is word droppers. These are the people that will drop a huge word into their conversation to show......something....intelligence....vast vocabulary....or the fact they are attempting to use it in the right context....which is almost never right.

Someone I work with attempts to do this all the time. All it does it allow me to leave their office with a solemn glow on my face realizing they have completely used the words "retro fit" in the wrong context....
Don't try to woooo me with your vocab.....most of the time I won't understand what you're trying to say anyway, isn't there another way you can show me how cool you are? Perhaps whip out your dick and a ruler? Or recite all 50 state capitals?

Wednesday, February 7, 2007


Once in ballet class (I had to have been about 10 or 11 years old) one of the older girls giggled and said "we think you look like Stephanie on Full House". I didn't know how to take it, I was older than the girl playing Stephanie on Full House so I thought "they must think I look like a little girl". That began my apprehensions about looking like celebrities.

However, during my early 20's I got "you look like Jewel" and I was okay with that, I enjoyed her music and appreciated her fabricated rags to riches story. (If someone could explain to me how you live out of your van and date Sean Penn at the same time that would be great).

Then in my late 20's "you look like Lindsay Lohan" (great, again no problems with looking like a panty free 19 year old train wreck)

But the latest and greatest? I'm sitting at the Radiothon this weekend not minding my own business as usual and this girl comes up and says "you know who you look like? Tatum O'Neal"....WHATHAFUH? Never mind the fact the woman is in her 40's and been ridden hard & put away wet....seriously!! the colleague I was sitting by attempted to run interference...apparently the look on my face clearly responded (I guess that's what they mean by body language). The saddest thing about the whole situation is that I had taken time to wear a half way decent outfit and I had done my hair & make up.
So in the past few days I've had time to ponder this comment or consciously and subconsciously dwell/stress about my looks and if I look tons older than I should. maybe I do look like her- I can't see the resemblance, the only thing I see is that really bad television show that's played on one of our local channels late late on weeknights called "Wicked" that Miss O'Neal stars in and her wrinkled up face and bright (too bright) red lipstick.