Saturday, June 28, 2008

Does this blog make my butt look fat?

I HATE fat people.

Yes I do.

Some of you already know this because I spew it quite regularly with such an evil hatred... I really do hate them.

Now I'm not talking about your average chubby person because....let's face it.....most of us do have a little chub on us...INCLUDING MYSELF (please refer to previous blog).

But I truly do hate fat people. I especially hate the ones that are not old enough to be riding on the "little jazzie" motorized seat things but do anyway. Seriously! There's nothing I hate more than seeing a 40something woman vrooming her ass around the chip aisle at the walmart on one of those....and you know she's riding in it because she's just TOO DAMN FAT! Sistah PUHLEEZE! Get your fatass off the lil rascal and do some jumping jacks- I'm not looking for any of your excuses, I'm just looking to get past you in this aisle!

Disco's Latest Fat Story (gotta million of em, but will share just one!);
So my mother and I are leaving Yaktown at the butt crack of dawn last week with both of my kids in tow. And since mom can flash the flight attendant credentials we usually get some primo treatment. So this time mom got it so I had my own row with Sloaney and she sat in front of me with Quinn. It was great I could nurse Sloane and get out my diaper bag with no bothers.

WELL! We are just about to take off and this ENORMOUS, beady eyed man comes bounding down the aisle and asks me "UH is this seat taken?".


What the fuck?

Did you seriously just ask to sit next to me and my nursing child when there is a row up one and over COMPLETELY EMPTY?

Like WTF????

I was so caught off guard I responded "uhh no". But in my head I'm thinking "who does that?" who finds the seat with the woman with her boob plopped out and asks to sit next to her when he had a perfectly good seat back a few rows? Really, truly, think about the last time you did that....NEVER! Because you never would- you would just stay in your assigned seat and take it like a big boy OR you would move to the row that was completely empty!!

Anyway, and then he goes on "it was kind of crowded back there".

AGAIN. WTF? Crowded?????? You were sitting next to someone back there and NOW your sitting next to someone holding a baby (pretty much 2 someones now) and ATTEMPTING to feed because now I have your fat ass touching mine and even though I have a nursing blanket on I'm still pretty sure you can see my boob because your a hundred feet taller than me. (P.S. my mom is convinced he just wanted to watch me nurse).

So NO JOKE his ass is touching mine and I'm trying to lean into the side of the plane just to give Sloane some space because this fucker wants to hold a conversation with me and I'm trying to feed her.

Then the drink/snack cart comes by and he orders.....wait for it.....Spicy Tomato Juice!!!! Why didn't he just bust out and start chompin on a hot tuna sandwich! Who the hell drinks Spicy Tomato Juice???? It smelled DISGUSTING!

Then when she comes by the second time to collect your garbage- HE ASKS FOR SECONDS!!!

UHHHH Word of Wisdom- Maybe cut out the 2nd Snack and it wouldn't be so "CROWDED"

Monday, June 2, 2008

The Naked Truth

Before I had children I struggled with my weight- especially in high school and college. So I kinda figured I would always have a weight problem. Once I got pregnant with Quinn I thought "mmmkay, here goes, gonna be fighting off a size 14 the rest of my life. So during my pregnancy I allowed myself to swell to whatever my body felt necessary...not really exercising or watching what I ate. Then I had Quinn and everything changed.

I remember 2 weeks after I had her, I was putting on a pair of sweats and they were baggy. From there on out, I was dropping about 2 lbs a week until I got down to the skinniest I had ever been. I was able to fit into sizes I hadn't seen since 7th grade. I was elated! Sadly, I was also delusional.

I decided to have a second child and biggie- I'll just tuck away these size 4 jeans until after I have #2. So then again, I allowed myself to gain whatever my body felt necessary..not much exercise or diet supervision. I gained about 3 more lbs then I did with my last pregnancy but no big deal! Then I had her. And nothing changed.
I remember stepping out of the hospital shower the day after I had her and Cort said, "wow you still look about 6 months pregnant". Yes people- I did almost stab him with my IV needle.

And I don't know if it was his comment that cursed me or what, but I am exactly 13 lbs lighter than I was at full term the day I delivered. NOTHING IS COMING OFF. My kid weighed almost 9 lbs...which means I've lost a whole 4 lbs since delivery and that was 4 MONTHS AGO!!!

Now, you may want to ask me "Well are you exercising or eating healthy" and I'll be honest "NO" but I didn't with Quinn either and those lbs seemed to melt off. So what the hell???? Seriously....let me lose even 15 lbs so I can fit into something other than yoga pants and empire shirts.

I turned all the lights off in the bathroom at dusk the other night, took off all my clothes and just stood there examining my silhouette.

I have some serious back fat! How do you hold onto back fat? And why? I'm nursing non-stop! I'm also severely diseased with Largeassosis.....

I mean COME ON!! What do I need to do to get this shit to start coming off??? It's not like I'm sitting here typing, eating a King Sized Caramello, a bowl of popcorn and sucking down a Coke......

Friday, May 23, 2008

Stranger Danger

I have to post this before I forget.
The other day I was teaching Quinn about strangers for several reasons...
A. She's 3 years old now and waaaaayyyy to friendly
B. She's got Blond hair & Blue eyes - she's prime real estate
C. I watch TOO much TV and am freaked about someone abducting her
(GIMME A BREAK- I live in the Elizabeth Smart city!)

So the conversation went a little something like this:

I gave her several definitions of what strangers are.....people you don't know, people who don't know you. People you don't know who are playing at the park. People mommy doesn't know, people who want to hurt you, people who may not want to hurt you but YOU DON'T KNOW...

I got into the "strangers are sometimes people who take little kids...."

This clearly is way too much info for a 3 year old!

So I start doing the "Is mommy a stranger?"

Q- Nooooo

Me- Is Daddy a Stranger?

Q- Nooooo

........and this went on and on....

So finally at the end of the conversation it was time for a quiz....and I said
"Okay, Quinn now let's say someone you don't know comes up to you and says 'Hey Quinn, here's some candy, come get in my car'...what do you say?"

Quinn's answer "Thanks!"

AGGHHHHHHH!!! Seriously it was like a 15 minute lecture on Strangers and all my 3 year old got out of it was nice manners to strangers!!

Gotta love it!

Also- just a side note- if anyone's heard that song by Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love". Quinn sings it "You cut my finger and I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding". Or today she started singing "I cut my sister Sloane and she keeps bleeding, she keeps keeps bleeding"

Here's the video if you're not familiar with the song....the artist has disabled the embedding so I couldn't just put it on here...sorry!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Twice the speed of light

Yes Yes, I know it's been a million years since I posted last....simmer down now!

The problem is that I think of posts like this big, overwhelming school science project that's due the next day and I haven't even started collecting my specimens or preparing my beakers....or whatever (I dropped out of chemistry in 10th grade...don't judge me!). So I need to start thinking of them as casual journal entries....WHICH- I do believe is what blogs are really supposed to be....Oh and my other reason of course is because I had a kid....yeah

And it's my second (most of you who read this blog already know that!) and so it goes, even though she's simply gorgeous, and we love her just as much as the last, she sadly gets all the hand-me-downs. No new bassinet or crib here....I'm sure if we could- we would reuse Quinn's old disposable diapers....but I digress (that's not what this post is about)

No- this post is about having 2 children. Not 1.....(ohh parents of one child, if only!! If only the world was that easy!) but 2!!

TWO, Bank Breaking, Sleep Depriving, Toy Breaking, Screaming, Fighting, Double your pleasure Double your Fun, Double your Car seats, Double your laundry, Quadruple your insanity CHILDREN!

I love them, I love them YES I do! But I really really had no idea what I was in for!!!

I had no idea I would be secretly scheduling my alone time in my an affair...scheming the next time I could see that fun, attractive, sexy beast of alone time...and how parting from it is such sweet sorrow....

ME- "but I LOVE YOU...when can I see you again?"

ALONE TIME- "Soon, no one must know about us, they will try to tear us apart if they find out, we should be as quiet as possible so they don't know we're hiding in here.....the bathroom....pretending to have a massive, lengthy bout of diarrhea"

ME- "I promise I won't tell anyone, but please promise me you'll be back!"

A.T.- "I promise, you must go now!"

"I love you!", I whisper..

And just like that, alone time is gone....whisked away just as quickly as it came into my life. And again I sit silently trying to mentally picture our next rendezvous.

But wait, while you're trying to visualize this you must add in about 18 other tasks I am completing at the same time. I now know I can wipe a butt, change the channel and clean yogurt off my floor ALL at the same time! The next time you hear someone say "I can't do that I don't have a third arm". Take a look at them, chances are they don't have more than one kid. because you see, third arms suddenly appear when you are juggling TONS OF SHIT...and I mean shit literally and figuratively. Juggling is no longer a talent, it's a requirement! What really sucked is when I had to go back to work. The juggling was no longer just chauffeuring, kid needs, husband needs, house needs....I then had to add in work needs and scheduling fiascos.

I know this is all part of being a mom and I know one day I will look back and miss these days. I know I really will, but I just have to admit that I was not prepared for the second coming..........