My brother, sister-in-law & niece live in Idaho Falls, so the entire fam- including my parents ventured up there this weekend to get family pictures taken. Like any other family get together; the second we arrived my mother declared "WE MUST GO TO THE MALL". So, in hot pursuit of items unspecified, we were off! As we strolled by the JC Penney there was Santa & his Lair....all set up and calling for small, unimpressed children and of course their parents or grandparents with open wallets. We are Americans, drive big trucks, eat McDonald's and own IPODS.... it's only natural for us to YEARN for an overweight seasonal mall employee dressed in a red rental costume, counting the minutes until his next cigarette break to hold our children and capture that special moment, post in our fridge, send it to our families and just keep it forever! "Here, look here grandma this is little Madison Taylor Grace and Jerry from the halfway house- he works at the Prison until his parole is up but during Christmas he spreads joy to all of the children in the Tri-State Region.
CUT TO THE CHASE ALREADY! Our turn- after a good 25 minutes in line (enough time to continually "pump" Quinn up for the big meet n greet and keep her preoccupied from pointing and screaming at the kid zone [*see side note*]). We get right up to Santa and all of the sudden I have a toddler attached to me by her fingernails (she grows fingernails on command like Teenwolf). So Santa starts making friendly chit chat with me to make her a little more comfortable, "Oh Mommy!, I haven't seen you in ages". I reply, "I know Santa I haven't gotten any good gifts for a while.....since I've seen you last". He laughs and we hug and I've gained enough momentum now to pry the fingernails out of my arm skin and situate an 8 month old Sage that is taking all of her cues from her older cousin.
With everyone sitting on Santa's lap, we're ready and I'm on one side of the camera and my mother on the other doing the 'look here, looky here, cute widdle girls, smile, smile, look here say CHEESE, EVERYONE SAY CHEESE' jump up and down dance.
Santa then says to me, "Mommy, you keep dancing like that and you'll get a lot of presents this year". (me- blank stare)
The End.
- it's a good thing I'm an adult and shit like that won't stick with me through my childhood and completely change my view on Santa....I think it's time for Jerry to have a conjugal visit from Miss Clause in the Halfway House
SIDE NOTE: NEVER again, will I allow Quinn to play in the "Kid Zone" at the Mall. HOLY SHIT! I think 2 kids were killed in the metallic Hotdog- also known as Pooh's Hollow while we were there. I literally saw 2 little boys wrestling on the adult benches, SWEATING and one threw the other over the kid zone wall, he landed on a garbage can.
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2 comments:
Jeez Randi, If "Sexual Preditor Santa" (is that similar to Malibu Barbie?) was giving you the "wink, wink, nudge, nudge" why didn't you work it??? Could have saved some $$ on those cheesy, off-centered (but totally ADORABLE) pictures!! Sheesh, why do you think I paid for all those years of dance lessons???
PS: You TOO Love the Mall.... (where wishes come true)
I hope the drool from Santa's jolly old perverted mouth was photoshopable (is that even a word yet?)
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