Saturday, June 30, 2007

Bitch Please!

Weddings & Babies bring out the worst ASSVICE from the entire general public. Complete strangers will approach you on the street, interrupt your lunch, spark up conversation between bathroom stalls and tell you the what, where, why, & how of these 2 things. ...and if you don't do it that exact way YOU WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND YOUR DOG WILL DIE ON CHRISTMAS. plus...THEY TOLD YOU SO.
I didn't have a conventional wedding so I missed that but with the pregnancy....holy fetus batman...I got more than enough advice with my first one.
So I'm telling everyone with this second kid...don't bother trying....somewhere along the way, I turned it off....the ability to absorb anymore wives tales, good luck potions, etc.
I was enjoying a green tea the other day and someone from across the office fucking RUDELY interrupted my 5 seconds of antioxidant bliss "is that really okay for the baby?". My response "yes it's perfectly fine"....my inner pregnancy response "HEY FUCK YOU, ARE YOU FUCKING PREGNANT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PREGNANT...YEAH DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO...SHUT YOUR INEXPERIENCED, UNCONTROLLABLE FUCKING TOURETTES MOUTH BITCH!"
I'm probably capable of shanking someone in this first trimester

Furthermore, I don't care if you have been pregnant before I don't want your advice unless your telling me how great I am and showering me with compliments. Yeah, that's basically all I want to hear until I deliver; how great I am, gorgeous, hilarious and it wouldn't' hurt to throw money at me as I walk by you.

2 comments:

Jackie said...

This is hillarious. I too got a TON of advice while I was pregnant, yes usually from complete strangers. The best thing about advice is that it is free so tossing it out the window isn't a problem. Hey - have you been eating all the blueberries you should be like I told you??

MikeE said...

You know studies have found that people with pent up anger problems effect there fetus's for the negative. You probably should try and keep the anger undercontrol.

just my two cents!

jk