Stranger Danger

I have to post this before I forget.
The other day I was teaching Quinn about strangers for several reasons...
A. She's 3 years old now and waaaaayyyy to friendly
B. She's got Blond hair & Blue eyes - she's prime real estate
C. I watch TOO much TV and am freaked about someone abducting her
(GIMME A BREAK- I live in the Elizabeth Smart city!)

So the conversation went a little something like this:

I gave her several definitions of what strangers are.....people you don't know, people who don't know you. People you don't know who are playing at the park. People mommy doesn't know, people who want to hurt you, people who may not want to hurt you but YOU DON'T KNOW...

I got into the "strangers are sometimes people who take little kids...."

This clearly is way too much info for a 3 year old!

So I start doing the "Is mommy a stranger?"

Q- Nooooo

Me- Is Daddy a Stranger?

Q- Nooooo

........and this went on and on....

So finally at the end of the conversation it was time for a quiz....and I said
"Okay, Quinn now let's say someone you don't know comes up to you and says 'Hey Quinn, here's some candy, come get in my car'...what do you say?"

Quinn's answer "Thanks!"

AGGHHHHHHH!!! Seriously it was like a 15 minute lecture on Strangers and all my 3 year old got out of it was nice manners to strangers!!

Gotta love it!

Also- just a side note- if anyone's heard that song by Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love". Quinn sings it "You cut my finger and I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding". Or today she started singing "I cut my sister Sloane and she keeps bleeding, she keeps keeps bleeding"

Here's the video if you're not familiar with the song....the artist has disabled the embedding so I couldn't just put it on here...sorry!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF84pIhP5UM&feature=user

Twice the speed of light

Yes Yes, I know it's been a million years since I posted last....simmer down now!

The problem is that I think of posts like this big, overwhelming school science project that's due the next day and I haven't even started collecting my specimens or preparing my beakers....or whatever (I dropped out of chemistry in 10th grade...don't judge me!). So I need to start thinking of them as casual journal entries....WHICH- I do believe is what blogs are really supposed to be....Oh and my other reason of course is because I had a kid....yeah

And it's my second (most of you who read this blog already know that!) and so it goes, even though she's simply gorgeous, and we love her just as much as the last, she sadly gets all the hand-me-downs. No new bassinet or crib here....I'm sure if we could- we would reuse Quinn's old disposable diapers....but I digress (that's not what this post is about)

No- this post is about having 2 children. Not 1.....(ohh parents of one child, if only!! If only the world was that easy!) but 2!!

TWO, Bank Breaking, Sleep Depriving, Toy Breaking, Screaming, Fighting, Double your pleasure Double your Fun, Double your Car seats, Double your laundry, Quadruple your insanity CHILDREN!

I love them, I love them YES I do! But I really really had no idea what I was in for!!!

I had no idea I would be secretly scheduling my alone time in my head....like an affair...scheming the next time I could see that fun, attractive, sexy beast of alone time...and how parting from it is such sweet sorrow....

ME- "but I LOVE YOU...when can I see you again?"

ALONE TIME- "Soon, no one must know about us, they will try to tear us apart if they find out, we should be as quiet as possible so they don't know we're hiding in here.....the bathroom....pretending to have a massive, lengthy bout of diarrhea"

ME- "I promise I won't tell anyone, but please promise me you'll be back!"

A.T.- "I promise, you must go now!"

"I love you!", I whisper..

And just like that, alone time is gone....whisked away just as quickly as it came into my life. And again I sit silently trying to mentally picture our next rendezvous.

But wait, while you're trying to visualize this you must add in about 18 other tasks I am completing at the same time. I now know I can wipe a butt, change the channel and clean yogurt off my floor ALL at the same time! The next time you hear someone say "I can't do that I don't have a third arm". Take a look at them, chances are they don't have more than one kid. because you see, third arms suddenly appear when you are juggling TONS OF SHIT...and I mean shit literally and figuratively. Juggling is no longer a talent, it's a requirement! What really sucked is when I had to go back to work. The juggling was no longer just chauffeuring, kid needs, husband needs, house needs....I then had to add in work needs and scheduling fiascos.

I know this is all part of being a mom and I know one day I will look back and miss these days. I know I really will, but I just have to admit that I was not prepared for the second coming..........

Get outta my dreams.........

So at 7 1/2 months pregnant I'm finally sleeping again but I'm getting REALLY PISSED OFF because every time I close my eyes I'm ending up in some scenario with this guy! Don't get me wrong I do love me some Jim from The Office and it would be totally different if these dreams were sexual in any way...BUT THEY'RE NOT. We're like making dinner or having a political discussion or doing other things that are utterly NON-SEXUAL. Bummer really....and since we're not getting our freak on I'd really like to have some simple classic REM (and I'm not talking about Michael Stipe). I would like to fall asleep and dream of nothing. I'm not sure why my head always has to be going at this stage in the game and it's not like I could finish off a bottle of wine before I went to sleep because I'm sure that would really help with any type of dreaming whatsoever.

And so I never thought I would say this but, "Mr. John Krasinksi either put out or get out"

Reach out & touch me

For me; this all started when Kelly Ripa FREAKED the fuck out when Clay Aiken put his hand over her mouth on Regis & Kelly and she screamed about being touched. We live in a "don't touch me" world.

This is good for some reasons OBVIOUSLY...like with my 2 year old...we are constantly explaining "good touch" "bad touch" but what is with the rest of this bullshit? Why aren't we touching?

I watched an entire episode of Martha Stewart (okay maybe not an entire episode....but who can seriously sit through that? it's like watching paint dry....really expensive paint that's been applied by a very methodical over-explained heavily sedated retarded person.) Anyway, she had James Lipton on (whom I truly believe has a secret life as a serial killer...a very methodical over-explained heavily sedated retarded serial killer)....A-N-Y-W-A-Y! I watched the two of them for about 20 minutes tango around each other avoiding any sort of physical contact...I mean SERIOUSLY...I could tell at times she wanted to pat him on the hand or nuzzler her mole-y chin into his pubic-y beard. But they avoided each other at all costs. It was really uncomfortable to watch....that--and the show truly sucks donkey butt...really methodical over-explained donkey butt. I guess at least it's not as bad as that other talk show with the really loud, brunette built like a line backer who spends her hour defending her marriage, laughing at her own jokes and cooking the same shit with different names.

But I digress: back to touching

As a psych major in college we studied a lot of monkeys...I mean shit loads of monkeys...throwing their shit loads and the reasons they do it. One of the studies we studied (I know...) was about infant chimps that were separated from their mothers. They were given the choice to either eat with a faux mom made out of cold wire or lie with an imitation chimp made out of warm cloth that never had food. So- EAT or rub yourself against this piece of cloth. All of the chimps chose the cloth mom over food. They preferred the faux physical interaction. There are also several studies done on children that have been physically neglected if you want to depress yourself you can read here. These monkeys and children grow up to have some really bizarre behaviors and can truly never be integrated into a normal social environment.

WITH THAT SAID- Why are we doing this as a society? Are we going to become more socially retarded? Is that even possible?

When anyone has ever asked me my religion- my reply has always been "I just want to hold hands with the children of the world and sing Kumbayah". But is that allowed anymore? What are we afraid of?

Back to my 2 year old- in Pre-school we were pulled aside because Quinn was hugging kids and they are taught not to touch each other. So we had to tell her to keep her hands to herself. I feel bad for her. She was just showing her affection and maybe some kids are not getting that positive interaction at home...so WHY NOT? What's the harm? I know personally I am always all over my kid...there's just something so delicious about a 2 year old....especially mine!

And certain portions of my extended family hug and kiss and are all over each other and I'll tell you somethin....my mind doesn't have to work over time debating whether it's appropriate to pat those people on the back or slug em for being silly....I always know it's okay.

For the rest eh ya.....keep yer distance!

Time Outs

Quinn just put a ghost candle that I have on the dining room table for decoration in time out. When I asked her why the ghost was in time out she told me he was stupid......if we could all go to time out when we were stupid....the world would be a better place!

Think twice....do you REALLY need those Cheetos?

In the past week, the company that supplies all the vending machines to our building has "upgraded" them making everything in them bigger and more expensive. There are no longer .60 cent sodas...everything comes in 20 oz and is a dollar! A DOLLAR! Who keeps money like that lying around? Who HAS that kind of money anymore? I mentioned this to our voice girl in the building and she said in a very announcerish voice "We've got turkey sandwiches...financing available at the front desk"...

EXACTLY!

I've been begging, borrowing and thinking about stealing spare change off co-workers' desks just so I can get a GOD DAMNED CHERRY COKE! I'm pregnant for God's sake....who's cruel joke is this? Pregnant AND broke!

No one has received a raise this year so why the swanky new food? hmm?

I wonder if my company gets a cut of all the profits, I'm sure that's part of the deal right? So pay us less and then not only take our time, dignity and pride away from us but make sure you grab that extra .40 cents on your way out now too....

As it stands right now I'm all out of ones.....and my ass is a bit sore.

My dirty little secrets

When you enter the land of parenthood you also enter the land of unexplained unabashed full-speed ahead competition. The kind of competition you've never experienced in your life. Not, I must win this football game, not I must get a better grade on this paper but my child will over power yours or I will eat my own for tomorrow's breakfast. If my child is able to One-Up yours then...it is clear...there is a God.
I try to act all high and mighty like I don't entertain these parents or partake in these reindeer games but my own feminine womb powers overwhelm my very existence and I enter the ring. With Montessori on one hand and professional technical ballet classes on the other.
What's that? Gymboree is holding Mandarin Language classes? Sign us up for 2....no better yet, I'll call the teacher at home and we'll meet with her beforehand to get a head start!

So you can see when I do hear stories of children progressing before mine, I feel protective....and I also feel like I'm doing something wrong, when in the end- these so-called "advancements or progressions" have nothing to do with the child and EVERYTHING to do with the over-socialized, extremely competitive parents.

Quinn is 28 months and is not completely potty trained. By the time her 2nd Birthday rolled around I was very concerned about it. We had been practicing on the potty chair since she was 13 months old, yet she was still have accidents 9 out of 10 pee/poop times. I kept at it, pushing and pushing her to use control. In August I enrolled her in preschool and sent her with just panties to school. By the end of the first day, they pulled me aside and asked "can you please send diapers with her to school tomorrow"
"But we're potty training" I responded
Taking an audible pause then giving me a sympathetic slight smile her teacher said quite teacherly, "Quinn is a wonderful girl and verbally is really ahead of all the children in the class, but when kids are ready to be potty trained they will let you know they need to go BEFORE they start to go in their pants....Quinn has the verbal skills to do this, her body is just not quite yet notifying her.....she just not ready yet"
I was pissed. And then I was hurt.
And then I sat in my car and thought....she's not ready.......
SO WHAT?
What have I been rushing...she's not even 3....not even 2 and a half.
My dreams of her being a potty trained infant went out the window, what didn't go out the window are all the comments I've heard from parents including my own.
Apparently I was potty trained at 18 months. My niece was potty trained at 23 months....and on and on.
These comments should mean nothing to me, yet they are what I've been basing Quinn's success on.

Potty Training aside-

the 2 dirty secrets I have are by far worse than slow potty training to any parent. I don't admit these two things to anyone- not even our own family doctor....

Quinn still uses a binky or pacifier.

I try to remove it before we run into anyone we know or before getting out of the car in public places or even hide them when people come over. The comments I hear about her having a binky are just...well...whatever! We should probably take it away, get rid of all of them, but I just don't really care. If it brings her comfort every now and then, why does anyone care. I've always been a very oral person and to this day still struggle with chewing my nails. Thank GOD I never took up smoking!
And all of this crap about them ruining their teeth by having binkies is pure bullshit and I'll take the pepsi challenge on that one. It's just like people who say giving a child a bottle at night will ruin their teeth...old wives tales...

which brings me to secret #2

Quinn still has a bottle at nap time and at bed time.

There I said it.

Feels like I just went to confession...I'll now do 12 hail marys and 5 hello dollys.

Yeah..so... she does.

And she loves them.

And again, it's a comfort tool. Cort and I decided to take them away a couple months ago and she would cry at night and I was just in my first trimester with this pregnancy- feeling like shit, lying in bed listening to a sweet little girl cry for a bottle of milk and I thought..."What the fuck am I seriously doing?" Why do I give that big of shit if she has a bottle or not if it makes her feel better? But again I had all of these mothers' voices running through my head "I stopped bottles at 11 months.....18 months.....at birth". Why do I care? I know she's not going to kindergarten with a bottle-AND- for the record- there is nap time at pre-school and she does not have a bottle or Binky then and is just fine.

So there- I said it.

The reason these popped into my head today is because we have a new baby sitter coming tonight and when we interviewed her a couple weeks ago I had to come clean with these little controversial nuggets of truth and felt very dirty as I was telling her to make sure my toddler gets her 'baba' before bedtime.

BUT- in the words of Kathy Griffin "Everybody can suck it".... (a bottle or binky...suck whichever one you'd like!)



After all; who can resist this face?