Monday, October 18, 2010

Crossing Over

Shit. Sorry- I know I've dropped the ball again on this blog thing...but oh well. Whaddaydo?
Anyway, I just read an article about what happens in those final moments before you die and it sparked my train of thought.

Deep topic- I know. But I daydream about these types of scenarios all the time.

Hmm...maybe daydream isn't' really the appropriate word but you get what I'm trying to say.

I do think about what happens to us in those final moments when we realize this world is ending and we are entering a new one.

I really, truly despise organized religions that spell it all out for us. I believe that if we can be still long enough and exercise a little deep seeded meditation to our own higher power, we can begin to understand what is to come in our own future .....or at least get a little insight.

I don't think there is a person out there that believes when we die


The lights go out, curtain goes down . AND SCENE

Well. Except my dad...he's always saying "That's it. That's the end". But I don't believe in his deepest of introspective moments he really believes that.

There is obviously something more out there. My friend Angie and I were talking once and she said "Albert Einstein said, 'energy cannot cease to exist'".

There's my answer.

We are all (among other things) moving, doing, thinking little balls of energy. How does that come to stop? Even when our physical bodies have? So if it doesn't stop- what happens to it?

Many believe we continue to exist in a different field of vision or existence. I tend to think there's something to that. How do you explain sensing a presence or having a profound dream about a friend or family member that has passed away. Or even that feeling you. just. get. know what I'm talking about.

The article I read discusses that most people in their final moments are carrying on a conversation with a deceased family member or friend. They often reach their hand in the air as if to be pulled up by something or someone assisting them in their transition. Someone that has come to lead them down the path to cross over into the next world.

To me, that seems like such a beautiful and peaceful way to go. No religion cluttering it up with righteousness.

Just me, my loved ones and my next journey.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

What's in your wallet?

I like to talk about money.

YES, I know it's one of those things "THEY" tell you NOT to talk about.


My God! I love all three of those topics...if there was a way I could have one conversation involving all three....JACKPOT!

I've never understood why Money is Taboo.

I make it. I spend it. I need it. And I'm pretty much willing to tell any listening audience how much of each of those I do. I don't think they are going to see me any different. Maybe they do, but why? We are all guilty of it right?

And what I've found in all of my open conversations with friends who also enjoy talking about money is that we are all "for the most part"- in the same boat. We all make and spend around the same amount of money.

That could be for a number of reasons; main one being that we are all approximately in the same place in our careers, homes and ages of our children. I guess if I were to have a comparable conversation with a 50 year old man with no children and a Ph. D. ...hmmm..maybe we wouldn't have as many financial similarities. But again, I wouldn't see him much different other than I would know how much his house cost and how much he spent on his car and I would also realize the reason he had so much more money than me was because of his lifestyle, education, age and status.

A few months ago, I was having an intimate conversation with an acquaintance and she let it slip that she & her husband were starting to get stressed about money. I asked why and she vaguely gave short answers. I kept pressing and could tell it made her uncomfortable. So I stopped and felt bad about myself the rest of the day. I thought, "Why don't you just shut up Randi?"...but it's me, so we all know the answer to that! :) But I thought, why can't she tell me? Maybe I can help or maybe it might be nice to just purge all of your emotions. I honestly am not going to judge you for your financial issues...Lord knows we all have them! But, on the other hand, I guess some things are best kept private between a husband and a wife and I respect that. But don't throw your fishing line out if you don't want to catch any!

Nobody is perfect with their money or budget and I will never be the golden example of saving! I just find it nice to have a common bond with my peers and I guess if that comes through a financial bond of debt or expensive dance lessons then so be it!

My momma always said, "Money; you can't take it with you when you die!"

Saturday, September 4, 2010


I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since I posted last. I guess it was a pretty busy 2nd half of summer. We drove to Washington (not as bad as you think- about 9 hrs. 45 mins...okay so 10 hr drive) to visit family and hit both Cort's family reunion and mine. Oddly enough, the reunions were 1 weekend apart, so I ended up taking about 12 days off from work!
After we came home, it felt like a whirlwind holy-crap-quinn-starts-kindergarten-soon-are-we-ready? I guess because the day after we returned was Quinn's registration and then from there I can't remember much...and here we are Sept. 4th...labor day weekend.

This whole Kindergarten experience has been quite a ride for me. I'm not quite sure where I fit into the public school scheme of things...and boy oh boy do I like to fit in.
Like when can I start to become real 'friendsy' with her teacher so I can keep an eye on all classroom stuff? When can I volunteer everyday? When's the next PTA meeting?

I want to know everything about everything and I feel like right now they are trying to keep all of us over-protective and/or overwhelming parents at arm's length. If I could pull a chair up to quinn's name-tagged desk and hang out the entire 3 hours, I would be there...fixing her backward 9s and Js. I'd let her know not to talk to that girl with the perfectly coiffed hair because I've already sized up her mom and she thinks she is somethin she's definitely not. And I'd tell her that I think she is amazing and I love all of the artwork she brings home and it would be great if she could just stay this age for like 10 more years.

She was in pre-school just 3 1/2 months ago. Where there were 70 kids in the entire school and everyone knew her name. And they would let her get up toward the end of class and perform a Hannah Montana song and dance and the director of the school would come eat snack with her and tell her how wonderful she is. I had her preschool teacher's cell number. We met at Wheeler Farm and played. Her preschool had a thumbprint access code system in order to enter the building. There were surveillance cameras everywhere. Parents were not allowed to volunteer because they didn't want the liability.
Cut to now: Everyday at 12:35p, I drop her outside at the playground with the playground attendant. Who I've never met, never seen before in my life and I'm supposed to drop my little 5 year old off at this new school with this complete stranger and get in my car and drive away. Everyday, I'm left wondering- will she be there when I return?
Wednesday she came home with a worksheet she had done. There was some cutting and pasting involved and I noticed an entire row of dried glue circles with nothing attached. I pointed and asked, "What was here?" and she said "Oh I did it silly and had to redo it". I could feel my face heat up imagining she was told she did it wrong and had to redo her little 5 years Kindergarten. I wanted to cry. Quinn didn't care so I didn't say a word but I wanted so badly to send her flying right back to preschool where every assignment is a wonderful expression of who you are! Gold Stars and A + for everyone!
I know I can't keep her sheltered forever. The real world will come knocking sooner or later... but if I could find a way to board up the door, I just may start hammering in nails :)
(art by Quinn: 1st Kindergarten assignment "I"- create a collage of all the things I can do by myself)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Who's the Boss?

I don't know what it is about 5 year old girls, but somewhere in the last few months Quinn has turned into a little person. A short, mouthy mini adult. Granted, she has a little sister and it's instinct to boss your little sister around.
But boy oh boy! Does she give us a run for our money.
The shit I hear come out of her mouth is priceless...sometimes so priceless I want to slap it back in.
Last weekend my parents were in town, we were all just about to sit down to a nice Barbecue dinner when this strawberry blonde 3 foot nuthin Sassy Mcsasserton starts dictating how we are going to have a pleasurable dinner. "Now listen Everybody...we are All going to use our Manners!" She instructs. Then proceeds to critique all of us on the way we are eating our food, speaking to one another and passing the dishes. At one point my mother asked Cort to "please pass the butter" and Quinn jumps in "very good Nana, you're learning".
Whaddaydo? I'm laughing as I type this and did at the time but I also quietly told her to simmer down a little. I try to figure out where she learns it. I guess from us. I know I can be a little bossy but I'm the damn mom! How else am I supposed to be?

Tonight in the car she told us all we were going to play a game called "The things I see" (honestly, she's had me play this game with her before which is a surprise because it actually makes no sense at all and I can't really comprehend how you determine a winner!)
ANYWAY, back to this game "The things I see".
You have to look out the window and then shout the thing you see IE: TREE!
But if you see 3 trees you have to say "TREE , TREE , TREE". Therefore if you see a shitload of trees...this game just turns into a shouting match. And for some reason Cort has been really indulging this bossy Q lately so tonight he starts shouting over everyone as loud AND FAST as he possibly could "CAR CAR CAR, TREE, TREE, FENCE FENCE, FENCE SIDEWALK SIDEWALK"....I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. She didn't think the game was that much fun after that!
So then it was a NEW Game...The other game she insists on playing in the car is EYE SPY. Again, Cort entertained her games tonight and began playing it with her when we started to notice a pattern. If we were having trouble figuring out the item she was describing Cort would say "is it that thing over there?"
"YES Daddy you got it!" pointing at anything, no waving in any general direction...just that thing over there.
Hmm....that led us to our easy out for the rest of the game!
"is it that thing over there?"


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Let's get personal

After reading up on a slew of celeb weddings this weekend & last: Jenna Fisher & her office writer boyfriend, John Krasinski & Emily Blunt, Carrie Underwood and her sporty dude(Ican'trememberhisnameIthinkit'ssomethingFisher) it always makes me reflect on what I didn't have.
Obviously, some of you have already heard this story or lived through it with me. And some of you don't know because I don't talk about it a lot. Because I don't want to.

I have to say my wedding day was not fun for me. Not at all.

So a quick recap of everything leading up to it.

Cort & I dated off & on for 3 years. He was usually the one to break up with me because he just couldn't commit to someone who wasn't Mormon. For those of you not familiar with the rituals in the Mormon religion...there's a lot of them. And especially if you're going to get married. Both of you have to be of the faith to partake in all of the rigmarole.

So this went on...for 3 years.

Until. I got pregnant.


Then shit changed. All of the sudden he wanted to get married. And all of the sudden. I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to do. I knew I loved him. I knew he would be a great partner. But I had spent 3 years hanging in the balance...and THIS is what changed it?

And then there came the "we're pregnant/breaking of the news to the families".

I come from a very liberal family that- yes- they were disappointed it had happened this way but it was no reason for us to get married and life would go on.

Cort comes from a very religious, conservative family. They wanted us to get married....and immediately. Every time we went to a family gathering that's the first thing I heard, "When are you getting married, when are you getting married."

It got to be too much. I had them on one side saying "YOU HAVE TO GET MARRIED" and my parents on the other side saying "YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED".

And I was dealing with my first pregnancy all to boot.

Emotional combination.

I was torn. And I had too many people in my ear. Don't get me wrong- I was a 27 year old adult. I DO make my own decisions. But at that point I just didn't know what I wanted.

So I sat on it. And sat and sat. I got so tired of everyone barking at me that I finally said to Cort "fine, I'll get a judge and we'll get married."

So that's exactly what I did.

We went down to the courthouse.

They gave us a list of judges.

I picked one at random and called her. We made an appointment for the following week, invited our parents down and my bro & sis-in-law.

And we got married.

In the judge's condo.

6 months pregnant.

It was the most unromantic thing I have done in my entire life.

I regret it.

I wish I would have just told everyone to kiss my ass and plan my own romantic whatever-the-hell i wanted type wedding.

I hold a lot of regret.

I feel like I shorted myself and Cort.

This wasn't the wedding I had dreamed of since I was little. This was a get-everyone-off-my-back-sign-the-goddamn-paperwork-and-be-done-with-it-wedding.

It wasn't fun, it wasn't memorable.


I guess my lesson is that if my children end up in this situation I would tell them to do whatever they want. Plan the biggest fucking wedding of your dreams. And get married 9 months pregnant. Who gives a shit? You will be happy you did it!

You only regret the things you don't do. Unfortunately for me, that was the wedding I never had.

I want to end this on a positive note which is: Cort & I have been married for over 5 years. We have 2 great little girls and a wonderful life together. He is a spectacular father and our parents are wonderful grandparents. Our life couldn't be better, I just wish we could have started it together a little differently! That's all!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Crazy Mommy

I made Quinn stay up a little past bedtime to go over her counting skills tonight. She's been doing this 12, 13, 16, 17 thing and it's driving me nuts.
I know. If I start to beat her with wire hangers, please someone, call CPS...but then again, maybe that's a good learning tactic?

Oh I know! Just shut up already! I can't help it. She starts Kindergarten in the Fall and I don't know what the expectations are. The Elementary school she'll be attending is not the one we are zoned for. I applied for a permit IN JANUARY to specifically get her into this school, we were approved and damn it we've GOT to make a good impression. When I was there last at the school signing off on some paperwork they said "And she'll meet her teacher August 10th at her evaluation".
What the hell does that mean? Should we be brushing up on Latin? I'm so nervous.

So, as you can plainly see...we canNOT have any of this 12, 13, 16, 17 bullshit at our evaluation!
They might just send her straight back to preschool. "Our apologies Mrs. PahPool errr Johnson err Pool -Johnson but your daughter just doesn't meet the requirements to attend our fancy Kindergarten. Perhaps when she's learned the correct FUCKING WAY TO COUNT she can come back. Until then, there's a mentally challenged school down the road we can put in a good word for you there?"
UGHHHH I'm going to have nightmares about this until August 11th.

I've kept my cool in front of Q...except tonight she did say "Can we stop playing this game?" UHH NO! Not unless you want to be working the Arby's drive thru the rest of your life. And even there I'm pretty sure you have to know that 14 comes after 13.

Oh Mel! You're one racist kitty kat!

He's like the energizer bunny..he just keeps going and australian drunk energizer bunny...with tourettes