Disco Randi

Crossing Over

2010-10-18T19:48:00.001-07:00

Shit. Sorry- I know I've dropped the ball again on this blog thing...but oh well. Whaddaydo?

Anyway, I just read an article about what happens in those final moments before you die and it sparked my train of thought.

Deep topic- I know. But I daydream about these types of scenarios all the time.

Hmm...maybe daydream isn't' really the appropriate word but you get what I'm trying to say.

I do think about what happens to us in those final moments when we realize this world is ending and we are entering a new one.

I really, truly despise organized religions that spell it all out for us. I believe that if we can be still long enough and exercise a little deep seeded meditation to our own higher power, we can begin to understand what is to come in our own future .....or at least get a little insight.

I don't think there is a person out there that believes when we die

WE. JUST. DIE.

The lights go out, curtain goes down . AND SCENE

Well. Except my dad...he's always saying "That's it. That's the end". But I don't believe in his deepest of introspective moments he really believes that.

There is obviously something more out there. My friend Angie and I were talking once and she said "Albert Einstein said, 'energy cannot cease to exist'".

There's my answer.

We are all (among other things) moving, doing, thinking little balls of energy. How does that come to stop? Even when our physical bodies have? So if it doesn't stop- what happens to it?

Many believe we continue to exist in a different field of vision or existence. I tend to think there's something to that. How do you explain sensing a presence or having a profound dream about a friend or family member that has passed away. Or even that feeling you. just. get. sometimes....you know what I'm talking about.

The article I read discusses that most people in their final moments are carrying on a conversation with a deceased family member or friend. They often reach their hand in the air as if to be pulled up by something or someone assisting them in their transition. Someone that has come to lead them down the path to cross over into the next world.

To me, that seems like such a beautiful and peaceful way to go. No religion cluttering it up with righteousness.

Just me, my loved ones and my next journey.

Namaste

What's in your wallet?

2010-09-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

I like to talk about money.

YES, I know it's one of those things "THEY" tell you NOT to talk about.

-Money
-Politics
-Religion

My God! I love all three of those topics...if there was a way I could have one conversation involving all three....JACKPOT!

I've never understood why Money is Taboo.

I make it. I spend it. I need it. And I'm pretty much willing to tell any listening audience how much of each of those I do. I don't think they are going to see me any different. Maybe they do, but why? We are all guilty of it right?

And what I've found in all of my open conversations with friends who also enjoy talking about money is that we are all "for the most part"- in the same boat. We all make and spend around the same amount of money.

That could be for a number of reasons; main one being that we are all approximately in the same place in our careers, homes and ages of our children. I guess if I were to have a comparable conversation with a 50 year old man with no children and a Ph. D. ...hmmm..maybe we wouldn't have as many financial similarities. But again, I wouldn't see him much different other than I would know how much his house cost and how much he spent on his car and I would also realize the reason he had so much more money than me was because of his lifestyle, education, age and status.

A few months ago, I was having an intimate conversation with an acquaintance and she let it slip that she & her husband were starting to get stressed about money. I asked why and she vaguely gave short answers. I kept pressing and could tell it made her uncomfortable. So I stopped and felt bad about myself the rest of the day. I thought, "Why don't you just shut up Randi?"...but it's me, so we all know the answer to that! :) But I thought, why can't she tell me? Maybe I can help or maybe it might be nice to just purge all of your emotions. I honestly am not going to judge you for your financial issues...Lord knows we all have them! But, on the other hand, I guess some things are best kept private between a husband and a wife and I respect that. But don't throw your fishing line out if you don't want to catch any!

Nobody is perfect with their money or budget and I will never be the golden example of saving! I just find it nice to have a common bond with my peers and I guess if that comes through a financial bond of debt or expensive dance lessons then so be it!

My momma always said, "Money; you can't take it with you when you die!"

KinderCRAP

2010-09-04T21:18:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since I posted last. I guess it was a pretty busy 2nd half of summer. We drove to Washington (not as bad as you think- about 9 hrs. 45 mins...okay so 10 hr drive) to visit family and hit both Cort's family reunion and mine. Oddly enough, the reunions were 1 weekend apart, so I ended up taking about 12 days off from work!
After we came home, it felt like a whirlwind holy-crap-quinn-starts-kindergarten-soon-are-we-ready? I guess because the day after we returned was Quinn's registration and then from there I can't remember much...and here we are Sept. 4th...labor day weekend.

This whole Kindergarten experience has been quite a ride for me. I'm not quite sure where I fit into the public school scheme of things...and boy oh boy do I like to fit in.
Like when can I start to become real 'friendsy' with her teacher so I can keep an eye on all classroom stuff? When can I volunteer everyday? When's the next PTA meeting?

I want to know everything about everything and I feel like right now they are trying to keep all of us over-protective and/or overwhelming parents at arm's length. If I could pull a chair up to quinn's name-tagged desk and hang out the entire 3 hours, I would be there...fixing her backward 9s and Js. I'd let her know not to talk to that girl with the perfectly coiffed hair because I've already sized up her mom and she thinks she is somethin she's definitely not. And I'd tell her that I think she is amazing and I love all of the artwork she brings home and it would be great if she could just stay this age for like 10 more years.

She was in pre-school just 3 1/2 months ago. Where there were 70 kids in the entire school and everyone knew her name. And they would let her get up toward the end of class and perform a Hannah Montana song and dance and the director of the school would come eat snack with her and tell her how wonderful she is. I had her preschool teacher's cell number. We met at Wheeler Farm and played. Her preschool had a thumbprint access code system in order to enter the building. There were surveillance cameras everywhere. Parents were not allowed to volunteer because they didn't want the liability.
Cut to now: Everyday at 12:35p, I drop her outside at the playground with the playground attendant. Who I've never met, never seen before in my life and I'm supposed to drop my little 5 year old off at this new school with this complete stranger and get in my car and drive away. Everyday, I'm left wondering- will she be there when I return?
Wednesday she came home with a worksheet she had done. There was some cutting and pasting involved and I noticed an entire row of dried glue circles with nothing attached. I pointed and asked, "What was here?" and she said "Oh I did it silly and had to redo it". I could feel my face heat up imagining she was told she did it wrong and had to redo her little assignment....at 5 years old....in Kindergarten. I wanted to cry. Quinn didn't care so I didn't say a word but I wanted so badly to send her flying right back to preschool where every assignment is a wonderful expression of who you are! Gold Stars and A + for everyone!
I know I can't keep her sheltered forever. The real world will come knocking sooner or later... but if I could find a way to board up the door, I just may start hammering in nails :)

(art by Quinn: 1st Kindergarten assignment "I"- create a collage of all the things I can do by myself)

Who's the Boss?

2010-07-14T20:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about 5 year old girls, but somewhere in the last few months Quinn has turned into a little person. A short, mouthy mini adult. Granted, she has a little sister and it's instinct to boss your little sister around.
But boy oh boy! Does she give us a run for our money.
The shit I hear come out of her mouth is priceless...sometimes so priceless I want to slap it back in.
Last weekend my parents were in town, we were all just about to sit down to a nice Barbecue dinner when this strawberry blonde 3 foot nuthin Sassy Mcsasserton starts dictating how we are going to have a pleasurable dinner. "Now listen Everybody...we are All going to use our Manners!" She instructs. Then proceeds to critique all of us on the way we are eating our food, speaking to one another and passing the dishes. At one point my mother asked Cort to "please pass the butter" and Quinn jumps in "very good Nana, you're learning".
Whaddaydo? I'm laughing as I type this and did at the time but I also quietly told her to simmer down a little. I try to figure out where she learns it. I guess from us. I know I can be a little bossy but I'm the damn mom! How else am I supposed to be?

Tonight in the car she told us all we were going to play a game called "The things I see" (honestly, she's had me play this game with her before which is a surprise because it actually makes no sense at all and I can't really comprehend how you determine a winner!)
ANYWAY, back to this game "The things I see".
You have to look out the window and then shout the thing you see IE: TREE!
But if you see 3 trees you have to say "TREE , TREE , TREE". Therefore if you see a shitload of trees...this game just turns into a shouting match. And for some reason Cort has been really indulging this bossy Q lately so tonight he starts shouting over everyone as loud AND FAST as he possibly could "CAR CAR CAR, TREE, TREE, FENCE FENCE, FENCE SIDEWALK SIDEWALK"....I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. She didn't think the game was that much fun after that!
So then it was a NEW Game...The other game she insists on playing in the car is EYE SPY. Again, Cort entertained her games tonight and began playing it with her when we started to notice a pattern. If we were having trouble figuring out the item she was describing Cort would say "is it that thing over there?"
"YES Daddy you got it!"....no pointing at anything, no waving in any general direction...just that thing over there.
Hmm....that led us to our easy out for the rest of the game!
"is it that thing over there?"

YES YOU WIN!

Let's get personal

2010-07-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

After reading up on a slew of celeb weddings this weekend & last: Jenna Fisher & her office writer boyfriend, John Krasinski & Emily Blunt, Carrie Underwood and her sporty dude(Ican'trememberhisnameIthinkit'ssomethingFisher) it always makes me reflect on what I didn't have.

Obviously, some of you have already heard this story or lived through it with me. And some of you don't know because I don't talk about it a lot. Because I don't want to.

I have to say my wedding day was not fun for me. Not at all.

So a quick recap of everything leading up to it.

Cort & I dated off & on for 3 years. He was usually the one to break up with me because he just couldn't commit to someone who wasn't Mormon. For those of you not familiar with the rituals in the Mormon religion...there's a lot of them. And especially if you're going to get married. Both of you have to be of the faith to partake in all of the rigmarole.

So this went on...for 3 years.

Until. I got pregnant.

Whoops!

Then shit changed. All of the sudden he wanted to get married. And all of the sudden. I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to do. I knew I loved him. I knew he would be a great partner. But I had spent 3 years hanging in the balance...and THIS is what changed it?

And then there came the "we're pregnant/breaking of the news to the families".

I come from a very liberal family that- yes- they were disappointed it had happened this way but it was no reason for us to get married and life would go on.

Cort comes from a very religious, conservative family. They wanted us to get married....and immediately. Every time we went to a family gathering that's the first thing I heard, "When are you getting married, when are you getting married."

It got to be too much. I had them on one side saying "YOU HAVE TO GET MARRIED" and my parents on the other side saying "YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED".

And I was dealing with my first pregnancy all to boot.

Emotional combination.

I was torn. And I had too many people in my ear. Don't get me wrong- I was a 27 year old adult. I DO make my own decisions. But at that point I just didn't know what I wanted.

So I sat on it. And sat and sat. I got so tired of everyone barking at me that I finally said to Cort "fine, I'll get a judge and we'll get married."

So that's exactly what I did.

We went down to the courthouse.

They gave us a list of judges.

I picked one at random and called her. We made an appointment for the following week, invited our parents down and my bro & sis-in-law.

And we got married.

In the judge's condo.

6 months pregnant.

It was the most unromantic thing I have done in my entire life.

I regret it.

I wish I would have just told everyone to kiss my ass and plan my own romantic whatever-the-hell i wanted type wedding.

I hold a lot of regret.

I feel like I shorted myself and Cort.

This wasn't the wedding I had dreamed of since I was little. This was a get-everyone-off-my-back-sign-the-goddamn-paperwork-and-be-done-with-it-wedding.

It wasn't fun, it wasn't memorable.

It.just.was.

I guess my lesson is that if my children end up in this situation I would tell them to do whatever they want. Plan the biggest fucking wedding of your dreams. And get married 9 months pregnant. Who gives a shit? You will be happy you did it!

You only regret the things you don't do. Unfortunately for me, that was the wedding I never had.

I want to end this on a positive note which is: Cort & I have been married for over 5 years. We have 2 great little girls and a wonderful life together. He is a spectacular father and our parents are wonderful grandparents. Our life couldn't be better, I just wish we could have started it together a little differently! That's all!

Crazy Mommy

2010-07-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

I made Quinn stay up a little past bedtime to go over her counting skills tonight. She's been doing this 12, 13, 16, 17 thing and it's driving me nuts.
I know. If I start to beat her with wire hangers, please someone, call CPS...but then again, maybe that's a good learning tactic?

Oh I know! Just shut up already! I can't help it. She starts Kindergarten in the Fall and I don't know what the expectations are. The Elementary school she'll be attending is not the one we are zoned for. I applied for a permit IN JANUARY to specifically get her into this school, we were approved and damn it we've GOT to make a good impression. When I was there last at the school signing off on some paperwork they said "And she'll meet her teacher August 10th at her evaluation".
EVALUATION?????
What the hell does that mean? Should we be brushing up on Latin? I'm so nervous.

So, as you can plainly see...we canNOT have any of this 12, 13, 16, 17 bullshit at our evaluation!
They might just send her straight back to preschool. "Our apologies Mrs. PahPool errr Johnson err Pool -Johnson but your daughter just doesn't meet the requirements to attend our fancy Kindergarten. Perhaps when she's learned the correct FUCKING WAY TO COUNT she can come back. Until then, there's a mentally challenged school down the road we can put in a good word for you there?"
UGHHHH I'm going to have nightmares about this until August 11th.

I've kept my cool in front of Q...except tonight she did say "Can we stop playing this game?" UHH NO! Not unless you want to be working the Arby's drive thru the rest of your life. And even there I'm pretty sure you have to know that 14 comes after 13.

Oh Mel! You're one racist kitty kat!

2010-07-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

He's like the energizer bunny..he just keeps going and going...an australian drunk energizer bunny...with tourettes

The Boobie Trap

2010-07-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

What happened to my lovely lady lumps? Where'd they go Fergalicious? A sistah wants to know? Still got all that junk inside my trunk...rarely is it get- get -getting anyone drunk...but um..what was I saying?

Oh yeah.

I want a boob job.

Here's the thing...or thang as the Black eyed peas might wax....
I used to have really cute boobs. I was cool with them. They were never too big or in the way and they weren't tiny. They were just a nice perky B/C cup depending on my weight fluctuation that day/month/year.
Like I said, we. were. cool. It was probably one of the only body parts through my puberty, high school, college years I was okay with.

When I got pregnant with Quinn, I consciously walked myself through it "okay, I can do this...they'll be fine. I'll have some big boobs for awhile and then they'll go back to normal." In fact, I remember at my very first appointment asking my OB/GYN, "soooo what do you think will happen to my boobs". Ya know, a common question a 65 year old Mormon OB in the heart of Salt Lake City gets asked on a daily basis...I'm sure. (Screw the hum drum "can i hear my baby's heart beat..is everything okay bullshit." WHAT ABOUT MY TATAS??)

Anyway, he was like, "uhh what do you mean?".
ME: "you know, after I have the baby, what will happen...will they stay big, will they go back...what am I REALLY in for here?"

DR.: "well, you're planning on breast feeding so they will stay big for awhile but at your size, we usually see them just return to the same size they were previously".

SWEET. I was cool with that.

But that's not what happened.

ANYONE that has ever nursed a child knows what happened...and you've already "oh gurl"d this story a couple of times.

During the pregnancy, my boobs got big. The kid came out, my boobs got bigger. And then the nursing began.

My boobs became something I had never seen before. King Kong Boobs. They were large and IN CHARGE...of some serious milk supply....

I felt like I was carrying around two other appendages. I would try to boost them up in 2 sports bras and my chin would be resting on them. I had never see so much cleavage in my life. My husband was like "OH YEAHHH!" Until he was squirted in the face...then not so much. They became foreign objects I was attempting to handle every 2-3 hours.

Don't get me wrong, I really loved nursing my kids. And would I do it again in a heartbeat...yes...if I knew a boob job was waiting for me at the end of the milk train.

ANYWAY, after I stopped nursing Quinn and my nipples began to resemble something other than over sized pencil erasers; I could see a slight difference in them. Less perkiness, less firmness, less of the old me.

But I got pregnant again and I nursed again.

After I finished nursing Sloane I remember looking in the mirror, waiting and waiting for that bounce back with the slight change. Yeah...still waiting. In fact, what the hell happened? These sad sacks of mammary glands don't resemble anything other than deflated balloons. Sad, old, balloons, that have given up on life. I think they're depressed. Balloons that, each day scoop themselves into a bra too big for them but they're too lazy to go out and buy a new one. Balloons that in the tanning bed must stretch up so VERY VERY High or else they will have a white line under them. Balloons that have lost most of their helium...and will to live.

So, yes I want a boob job. But I'm not looking for the 20 something porn, buoyant boobies that stick straight out when you take off your bra. I'm just looking to get back a little closer to what they used to look like. That's all. Nuthin more.

And if I can find someone to finance this dream, that would be a perk!

Pissing Match

2010-07-02T21:04:00.000-07:00

Christ Almighty.

This kid is going to give me an early death....

What I don't understand is how I can birth two children created out of the same DNA and they can be completely different. COMPLETELY.

The proof was there from the moment she came into this world. My mother has said, "I've never heard a baby crying while still crowning"....and it's true. Embarrassingly true. I've never wanted to crawl up into that delivery bed and hide in my own birthing goo so badly..but damn that child was loud and irritating. I kept apologizing to all of the nurses and she was like -2 minutes old.

And she never stopped.

They refused to keep her in the nursery because they said she was so fussy she was waking up all of the other newborns. I cried and cried. And never slept and cried some more. I begged Cort to let me surrender her at the hospital. Somehow, I'm not sure that would have gone over very smooth. Here's this middle class 31 year old, rolling up with her husband and 3 year old trying to hand over her newborn because she just can't take it anymore. Here, take the bassinet, Avent bottles...even my breast pump...you can have it all...JUST LET ME GO TO A HAPPY, QUIET PLACE!!

I'll never forget the constant questions from friends, family, gawking strangers "what's wrong with her, what does she want, why does she keep crying?" "Maybe she's collicky, maybe she's got reflux, maybe you should analyze her diet".

OH GOD! You're a fucking genius! Why hadn't I thought of all of those things for the 87 Million days, hours, minutes I've had her freaking the fuck out in front of my face...GOD! I'm such an idiot!

Instead though I was polite and would respond with something like, "i think she needs me to make her a stiff drink and tell her how pretty she is".

But I'll tell ya, that first year was something out of one of those Saw movies. I considered cutting off my own leg to escape.

ANYWAY, I digress. We are now 2 1/2 years old, pretty much out of the crying every 5 seconds (a blog for a different time!) and in full potty training mode.....or so I thought.

Oh funny mommy...always assuming shit will be on your schedule and you will be able to exercise parental authority. YOU'RE HILARIOUS!

I'll be honest. I don't read a lot of those "how to" parenting books. Because I think they're full of shit. But I do know that you're not really supposed to PUSH the whole potty training thing...kind of make it their idea or whatever. Because you can SCREW THEM UP FOR LIFE!

So we started very soft and slow. I would comment on how great the Elmo panties looked at the store and OH WOW! Potty chairs! How cool! She'd come in and watch me go and flush for me. Within a few weeks she started to get the message. So she tried it a couple times and it was great- we did potty dances and made a huge deal out of it and things were progressing nicely.

Now let's be clear...I am only talking about Peepee. Poopoo, I have learned takes much longer to get out of the actual diaper and into the potty chair itself. So WHATEVER! Toy Story pull ups will continue to be a part of the pooping ritual. I gotta say, I think it's a little confusing when Sloane will say to me in a full sentence, "mommy, can you get me a diaper I need to poop". "uh sure thing fully capable child". BUT I'M NOT PUSHING IT DAMMNIT! Don't want to give anyone pooping issues! I don't know what those would be...but I've been warned! Don't do it! Maybe she'd be in her college dorm begging her roomate for a pull up so she could take a dump in the back corner of the room? I don't know? Better than a drug problem right? hmmm...maybe not so bad.

Anyway, so things were sailing smoothly....until summer hit. Damn you summer and you're warm sunshine and kiddie pools and bathing suits and fun outside time! It started as innocent as this: our adorable sitter was playing outside with the girls and accidentally locked the front door. They were locked out of the house for probably 15 minutes before she was able to connect with Cort on text message and figure out where the hide a key was etc. So in that period of time I guess Quinn had to pee. So our sitter just told her to pee in the bushes.

That was it. That's all it took. Sloane had found her calling in life.

What a concept. Peeing somewhere other than the toilet. This was AWESOME!

Every morning we would wake up and Sloane would ask "Can I peepee outside?".
No.
We would pull into the driveway from being out "Can I peepee in the grass?".
No

I thought the peeing in the outdoors was it.
Until I was sitting in this exact same spot just about a week ago and in walks naked Sloane and straddles the dog "What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm going to peepee on Roscoe".

We invited some friends over the other day and all 4 kids are in the kiddie pool. We are lounging in chairs just chatting away and I look over in the distance to a Sloane still in her swim suit, squatting by the side of the pool peeing on the grass. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

"I peepee outside".

In the last week she has peed somewhere in the house once a day and not told a soul. I walked into her bedroom and KNEW I smelled pee. It took me a few minutes to hunt it down and there behind the toy box was a puddle....accompanied by floating, soggy Nemo stickers...poor Nemo.

The victim most days has been our downstairs TV room. Which is very, very unfortunate because it's CARPET! EFFF!

We've dumped gallons of that Pet & Kid spray on it but it doesn't matter, that entire room needs to be recarpeted at this point.

It's one of those things that now when I walk into the house I'm paranoid that all I smell is pee.

And honestly, I'm not sure exactly what type of discipline to take on this whole journey. My aunt suggested the angle "well I guess you're a baby and you'll need to keep wearing baby diapers all the time, no big girl panties for you". Which is a good one and I'm kind of doing that but Sloaney enjoys wearing diapers and those things are expensive! So right now, we've just kept on her every 20 minutes "do you need to go, do you need to go?". It's the times where no one knows exactly where she is that she takes the opportunity to do it.

In conclusion: I just never saw this coming. Quinn was such a play by the rules kid. She would have NEVER DREAMED of peeing on the floor, let alone her dog! It's comical to watch this complete polar opposite behave...and I guess that's a good thing, I'm not trying to surrender her still.

Going Postal

2010-07-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

So lately every afternoon without fail, there is a loud banging on my door by a lovely Post person. As I open the door, I'm anticipating the dialogue, mood, demeanor. Standing in front of me...it's always somewhat the same: male/female in all the postal gear, one ipod ear phone out, holding my mail, kind of out of breath, kinda sweaty "WE WILL NOT DELIVER YOUR MAIL WHEN THE DOG IS OUTSIDE.... SO HERE!". the mail is shoved into my abdomen.
I nod, with a smile and a sarcastic tone say "okay, thank you".
Secretly, I'm pissed.

Let me explain

My Dog is outside. My Bassett Hound/Beagle mix dog is lounging in the front yard. He's so threatening...with his drool and laziness and droopy eyes. Yes he will cut you, rip your head off...he's force to be reckoned with. Seriously?
Secondly, we never have the same postman/woman/person. It's like we are the red headed step child of mail routes...no one wants to deliver in our ghetto Millcreek neighborhood. It's a different person everyday. In fact, when we first moved into this neighborhood 6 years ago we had an awesome post dude...he was a dude. Long hair, tan (kind of my type ;)). He would bring Roscoe treats, pet him and deliver our mail everyday and fortunately avoided any altercation with my easily irritable dog! But these days, I don't know what it is, I've never seen the same person twice deliver our mail. So everyday they knock on the door and think they're telling me something new. I want to be like, "yeah dipshit, the person that delivered the mail yesterday explained your hang up and the person that delivered it the day before that and the day before that...but I'm afraid I'll get myself so worked up I'll papercut their face with my overdue bills.
Thirdly, because of our random bag of players; the mail never gets delivered at the same time everyday. So even if I wanted to make sure my dog was in the house I wouldn't know what time to bring him in. It's anywhere from 1p-6p daily...yeah...so that's cool.
Basically, I don't want to call up the post office and bitch at them and I don't want to be rude to the next person as it may be they're first day of work. I'm not quite sure how to remedy the situation other than right now it's so hot out Roscoe rarely wants to be out there so he just goes out, does his business (maybe kills one human) and then comes back in to relax in air conditioning.
The bigger question here is, why are people still sending stuff regular snail mail?

Baby Hungry or just craving a snickers?

2010-06-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

I can't decide. I go back and forth on a minute by minute basis.

The thought of another baby...well, conjurs up more thoughts...

Would I love to have another child to enjoy in my life, nurse, raise, talk to, be entertained by, hold, hug, kiss?

Yes!

Would I love to get pregnant, puke my guts up, get more stretch marks, endure heartburn, give birth, worry about complications, deal with a non-sleeping new born, worry about newborn issues, stress about paying for a 3rd child, stress about paying for my first 2, stress about giving enough attention to each one?

Hmm. Look at that; more cons then pros...that's what I thought.

The romanticism of having another child is what my daydreams are made of. But I can still remember the stark reality of bringing Sloane home and thinking "holy shit, we are starting from square 1 again...with an additional child". And then layer on the fact she's superhuman and didn't require sleep but instead 24/7 one-on-one attention. She's what Post Pardom medication brochures target.

A few months ago Quinn asked Cort for a baby brother. Cort calls me and says "well what do you think?". I responded "I think you try to give your kids everything they want so when they ask you for a sibling, you're ACTUALLY considering it? I think you're nuts, tell Quinn we'll think about it!"

As it stands right now, we are painfully aware of our finances. I'm paying for Dance classes, tumbling and preschool...and that's it. If I bring a 3rd kid into the mix then what? What goes away? The 2nd child took away my daily starbucks fix. What will the 3rd one remove? ...besides more elasticity from my womb and vagina.

Worst Neighbor Ever!

2010-06-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

I do highly covet that title.
Yes. Me.
I, without a doubt am one of the worst neighbors ever. As I sit here on my laptop watching from a hidden corner in the house so no one can see me as my neighbor's 65 year old mother weeds my garden out of the kindness of her heart. Thinking she's going to surprise me.
And frankly I am surprised. But also super guilty.
If I was a decent human being I would have rushed out there 15 minutes ago and said something like "Oh! No No! you don't need to do that! REALLY! Thank you so much but I will get to it! Oh Gosh! You're so sweet!".
Hmph. How perplexing. I mean I would love to go out there and be all nice and whatever, but my ass is super duper comfy right here holding a warm laptop.
mmmmm....in fact, think I'll take a nap. and then I'll be super surprised when I wake up and have the whole thing weeded!
WE BOTH WIN!

Hot Mess

2010-06-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago we went to a BBQ at some new friends' house. We were just beginning the "getting to know you" preliminary chit chat when in walks Sloaney from their back yard, covered in mud, shoeless and peed pants...whining.

Without missing a beat I say "oh she's my hot mess" almost like an afterthought, kind of brushing it off.

S.I.L.E.N.C.E.

Nobody says a word...I'm not sure for lack of an appropriate response or with what I said.

In fact, in hind sight I'm not sure they were familiar with the phrase "hot mess".

Doesn't anyone watch Chelsea Lately? or Clean House?

Hot mess? Foolishness? Mayhem?

Has my crappy cable television watching hobby integrated itself into my parenting?

The answer my friends is YES.

But the answer is also that she is my hot mess. And I mean that in the most loving way. oh and the way where you want to sock her in the face when she won't GO TO BED HOLY SHIT CHILD IT'S 11PM GET TIRED! STOP TRYING TO INDUCE VOMITING!

Anyway, that whole BBQ scenario I have not been able to get over. I am embarrassed by my verbal diahrrea but I also feel defensive like "come on...lighten up!". Nobody has perfect parenting skills...oh but I did forget to mention. The husband? Is a child psychologist!

Yeah. So I'm sure the diagnosis report in his head of mother and child was a fucking novel.

From that outburst on; during the rest of the BBQ I tried to act like June Cleaver...which I'm was entertaining to watch because I have no natural tendencies that are even slightly Cleaver-ish.

I'm more of a Roseanne...with maybe a hint of Grace Under Fire.

Frustration Station

2010-06-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

I don't think you can have it all.

I don't want to be a Debbie Downer but it's time for a reality check. For the last 5 years I have been juggling everything...let's just talk about the 2 significant things- work and kids. The older they get, the harder it gets. And the more balls I get in the air, yet still the same amount of hands to juggle them.

I want to be an involved mom and I also want to be able to bring home a paycheck and use my business brain from time to time. But it seems like trying to do both, at some point everyday I'm at my breaking point. Yes, everyday. I break down. Freak out. Lose my mind. At some point during the day, I call my husband, tell him I can't do this anymore, I'm gonna lose it. I yell at a child. I yell at myself. I yell at a coworker.

My cup runneth over. E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y.

There are things I want:

1. Alone time

2. More office time during the day

3. To make a perfect breakfast for my kids

4. To not lose it with my child when they throw a fit

5. To be able to drop everything when my daughter asks me to read her a book

and

There are things I need:

1. a paycheck

2. transportation for my children from lessons and school

3. a camp director for all 4 of our lives/house

How come I can't combine all of those and have it turn out just dandy everyday? Or at least MOST days? Why am I always on the verge of breaking down?

My mom told me years ago that once you become a mother/wife/etc you will feel like everyone wants a piece of you. It's true...everyday my phone rings or someone yells to get my attention and I think "now what? What fire do I have to put out at home or work or New Jersey?" Who's question do I have to answer now. Who's life needs a lesson? Who spilled chocolate milk on the couch and needs a 3 page proposal in 10 minutes?

I told my husband that I believe no one takes me seriously. I feel like something is always being compromised...work or home. The scale is never completely balanced and even. Yes, Yes I know everyone says "put family first"...ESPECIALLY IN UTAH. And I do believe that. But it is also true that if I do not successfully perform in my work, I will no longer have a paycheck coming in. I have great childcare for my children when I'm at work so I honestly rarely worry if they are being taken care of or having a good time when I'm away. I just try to make childcare and my absence a fairly rare occurence.

I apologize for this sounding like a poor me song and dance but I truly wish I could figure out a happy medium so I'm not breaking down everyday. Is this pressure of work and family all in my head? Is this the new image of the working mother?

Where's the middle ground?

Where's my sanity?

Where's the beef?

Does this blog make my butt look fat?

2008-06-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

I HATE fat people.

Yes I do.

Some of you already know this because I spew it quite regularly with such an evil hatred... I really do hate them.

Now I'm not talking about your average chubby person because....let's face it.....most of us do have a little chub on us...INCLUDING MYSELF (please refer to previous blog).

But I truly do hate fat people. I especially hate the ones that are not old enough to be riding on the "little jazzie" motorized seat things but do anyway. Seriously! There's nothing I hate more than seeing a 40something woman vrooming her ass around the chip aisle at the walmart on one of those....and you know she's riding in it because she's just TOO DAMN FAT! Sistah PUHLEEZE! Get your fatass off the lil rascal and do some jumping jacks- I'm not looking for any of your excuses, I'm just looking to get past you in this aisle!

Disco's Latest Fat Story (gotta million of em, but will share just one!);

So my mother and I are leaving Yaktown at the butt crack of dawn last week with both of my kids in tow. And since mom can flash the flight attendant credentials we usually get some primo treatment. So this time mom got it so I had my own row with Sloaney and she sat in front of me with Quinn. It was great I could nurse Sloane and get out my diaper bag with no bothers.

WELL! We are just about to take off and this ENORMOUS, beady eyed man comes bounding down the aisle and asks me "UH is this seat taken?".

SERIOUSLY?????

What the fuck?

Did you seriously just ask to sit next to me and my nursing child when there is a row up one and over COMPLETELY EMPTY?

Like WTF????

I was so caught off guard I responded "uhh no". But in my head I'm thinking "who does that?" who finds the seat with the woman with her boob plopped out and asks to sit next to her when he had a perfectly good seat back a few rows? Really, truly, think about the last time you did that....NEVER! Because you never would- you would just stay in your assigned seat and take it like a big boy OR you would move to the row that was completely empty!!

Anyway, and then he goes on "it was kind of crowded back there".

AGAIN. WTF? Crowded?????? You were sitting next to someone back there and NOW your sitting next to someone holding a baby (pretty much 2 someones now) and ATTEMPTING to feed because now I have your fat ass touching mine and even though I have a nursing blanket on I'm still pretty sure you can see my boob because your a hundred feet taller than me. (P.S. my mom is convinced he just wanted to watch me nurse).

So NO JOKE his ass is touching mine and I'm trying to lean into the side of the plane just to give Sloane some space because this fucker wants to hold a conversation with me and I'm trying to feed her.

Then the drink/snack cart comes by and he orders.....wait for it.....Spicy Tomato Juice!!!! Why didn't he just bust out and start chompin on a hot tuna sandwich! Who the hell drinks Spicy Tomato Juice???? It smelled DISGUSTING!

Then when she comes by the second time to collect your garbage- HE ASKS FOR SECONDS!!!

UHHHH Word of Wisdom- Maybe cut out the 2nd Snack and it wouldn't be so "CROWDED"

The Naked Truth

2008-06-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

Before I had children I struggled with my weight- especially in high school and college. So I kinda figured I would always have a weight problem. Once I got pregnant with Quinn I thought "mmmkay, here goes, gonna be fighting off a size 14 the rest of my life. So during my pregnancy I allowed myself to swell to whatever my body felt necessary...not really exercising or watching what I ate. Then I had Quinn and everything changed.

I remember 2 weeks after I had her, I was putting on a pair of sweats and they were baggy. From there on out, I was dropping about 2 lbs a week until I got down to the skinniest I had ever been. I was able to fit into sizes I hadn't seen since 7th grade. I was elated! Sadly, I was also delusional.

I decided to have a second child and thought...no biggie- I'll just tuck away these size 4 jeans until after I have #2. So then again, I allowed myself to gain whatever my body felt necessary..not much exercise or diet supervision. I gained about 3 more lbs then I did with my last pregnancy but no big deal! Then I had her. And nothing changed.
I remember stepping out of the hospital shower the day after I had her and Cort said, "wow you still look about 6 months pregnant". Yes people- I did almost stab him with my IV needle.

And I don't know if it was his comment that cursed me or what, but I am exactly 13 lbs lighter than I was at full term the day I delivered. NOTHING IS COMING OFF. My kid weighed almost 9 lbs...which means I've lost a whole 4 lbs since delivery and that was 4 MONTHS AGO!!!

Now, you may want to ask me "Well are you exercising or eating healthy" and I'll be honest "NO" but I didn't with Quinn either and those lbs seemed to melt off. So what the hell???? Seriously....let me lose even 15 lbs so I can fit into something other than yoga pants and empire shirts.

I turned all the lights off in the bathroom at dusk the other night, took off all my clothes and just stood there examining my silhouette.

I have some serious back fat! How do you hold onto back fat? And why? I'm nursing non-stop! I'm also severely diseased with Largeassosis.....

I mean COME ON!! What do I need to do to get this shit to start coming off??? It's not like I'm sitting here typing, eating a King Sized Caramello, a bowl of popcorn and sucking down a Coke......

Stranger Danger

2008-05-23T22:09:00.000-07:00

I have to post this before I forget.
The other day I was teaching Quinn about strangers for several reasons...
A. She's 3 years old now and waaaaayyyy to friendly
B. She's got Blond hair & Blue eyes - she's prime real estate
C. I watch TOO much TV and am freaked about someone abducting her
(GIMME A BREAK- I live in the Elizabeth Smart city!)

So the conversation went a little something like this:

I gave her several definitions of what strangers are.....people you don't know, people who don't know you. People you don't know who are playing at the park. People mommy doesn't know, people who want to hurt you, people who may not want to hurt you but YOU DON'T KNOW...

I got into the "strangers are sometimes people who take little kids...."

This clearly is way too much info for a 3 year old!

So I start doing the "Is mommy a stranger?"

Q- Nooooo

Me- Is Daddy a Stranger?

Q- Nooooo

........and this went on and on....

So finally at the end of the conversation it was time for a quiz....and I said
"Okay, Quinn now let's say someone you don't know comes up to you and says 'Hey Quinn, here's some candy, come get in my car'...what do you say?"

Quinn's answer "Thanks!"

AGGHHHHHHH!!! Seriously it was like a 15 minute lecture on Strangers and all my 3 year old got out of it was nice manners to strangers!!

Gotta love it!

Also- just a side note- if anyone's heard that song by Leona Lewis "Bleeding Love". Quinn sings it "You cut my finger and I keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding". Or today she started singing "I cut my sister Sloane and she keeps bleeding, she keeps keeps bleeding"

Here's the video if you're not familiar with the song....the artist has disabled the embedding so I couldn't just put it on here...sorry!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF84pIhP5UM&feature=user

Twice the speed of light

2008-05-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

Yes Yes, I know it's been a million years since I posted last....simmer down now!

The problem is that I think of posts like this big, overwhelming school science project that's due the next day and I haven't even started collecting my specimens or preparing my beakers....or whatever (I dropped out of chemistry in 10th grade...don't judge me!). So I need to start thinking of them as casual journal entries....WHICH- I do believe is what blogs are really supposed to be....Oh and my other reason of course is because I had a kid....yeah

And it's my second (most of you who read this blog already know that!) and so it goes, even though she's simply gorgeous, and we love her just as much as the last, she sadly gets all the hand-me-downs. No new bassinet or crib here....I'm sure if we could- we would reuse Quinn's old disposable diapers....but I digress (that's not what this post is about)

No- this post is about having 2 children. Not 1.....(ohh parents of one child, if only!! If only the world was that easy!) but 2!!

TWO, Bank Breaking, Sleep Depriving, Toy Breaking, Screaming, Fighting, Double your pleasure Double your Fun, Double your Car seats, Double your laundry, Quadruple your insanity CHILDREN!

I love them, I love them YES I do! But I really really had no idea what I was in for!!!

I had no idea I would be secretly scheduling my alone time in my head....like an affair...scheming the next time I could see that fun, attractive, sexy beast of alone time...and how parting from it is such sweet sorrow....

ME- "but I LOVE YOU...when can I see you again?"

ALONE TIME- "Soon, no one must know about us, they will try to tear us apart if they find out, we should be as quiet as possible so they don't know we're hiding in here.....the bathroom....pretending to have a massive, lengthy bout of diarrhea"

ME- "I promise I won't tell anyone, but please promise me you'll be back!"

A.T.- "I promise, you must go now!"

"I love you!", I whisper..

And just like that, alone time is gone....whisked away just as quickly as it came into my life. And again I sit silently trying to mentally picture our next rendezvous.

But wait, while you're trying to visualize this you must add in about 18 other tasks I am completing at the same time. I now know I can wipe a butt, change the channel and clean yogurt off my floor ALL at the same time! The next time you hear someone say "I can't do that I don't have a third arm". Take a look at them, chances are they don't have more than one kid. because you see, third arms suddenly appear when you are juggling TONS OF SHIT...and I mean shit literally and figuratively. Juggling is no longer a talent, it's a requirement! What really sucked is when I had to go back to work. The juggling was no longer just chauffeuring, kid needs, husband needs, house needs....I then had to add in work needs and scheduling fiascos.

I know this is all part of being a mom and I know one day I will look back and miss these days. I know I really will, but I just have to admit that I was not prepared for the second coming..........

Get outta my dreams.........

2007-12-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

So at 7 1/2 months pregnant I'm finally sleeping again but I'm getting REALLY PISSED OFF because every time I close my eyes I'm ending up in some scenario with this guy! Don't get me wrong I do love me some Jim from The Office and it would be totally different if these dreams were sexual in any way...BUT THEY'RE NOT. We're like making dinner or having a political discussion or doing other things that are utterly NON-SEXUAL. Bummer really....and since we're not getting our freak on I'd really like to have some simple classic REM (and I'm not talking about Michael Stipe). I would like to fall asleep and dream of nothing. I'm not sure why my head always has to be going at this stage in the game and it's not like I could finish off a bottle of wine before I went to sleep because I'm sure that would really help with any type of dreaming whatsoever.

And so I never thought I would say this but, "Mr. John Krasinksi either put out or get out"

Reach out & touch me

2007-10-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

For me; this all started when Kelly Ripa FREAKED the fuck out when Clay Aiken put his hand over her mouth on Regis & Kelly and she screamed about being touched. We live in a "don't touch me" world.

This is good for some reasons OBVIOUSLY...like with my 2 year old...we are constantly explaining "good touch" "bad touch" but what is with the rest of this bullshit? Why aren't we touching?

I watched an entire episode of Martha Stewart (okay maybe not an entire episode....but who can seriously sit through that? it's like watching paint dry....really expensive paint that's been applied by a very methodical over-explained heavily sedated retarded person.) Anyway, she had James Lipton on (whom I truly believe has a secret life as a serial killer...a very methodical over-explained heavily sedated retarded serial killer)....A-N-Y-W-A-Y! I watched the two of them for about 20 minutes tango around each other avoiding any sort of physical contact...I mean SERIOUSLY...I could tell at times she wanted to pat him on the hand or nuzzler her mole-y chin into his pubic-y beard. But they avoided each other at all costs. It was really uncomfortable to watch....that--and the show truly sucks donkey butt...really methodical over-explained donkey butt. I guess at least it's not as bad as that other talk show with the really loud, brunette built like a line backer who spends her hour defending her marriage, laughing at her own jokes and cooking the same shit with different names.

But I digress: back to touching

As a psych major in college we studied a lot of monkeys...I mean shit loads of monkeys...throwing their shit loads and the reasons they do it. One of the studies we studied (I know...) was about infant chimps that were separated from their mothers. They were given the choice to either eat with a faux mom made out of cold wire or lie with an imitation chimp made out of warm cloth that never had food. So- EAT or rub yourself against this piece of cloth. All of the chimps chose the cloth mom over food. They preferred the faux physical interaction. There are also several studies done on children that have been physically neglected if you want to depress yourself you can read here. These monkeys and children grow up to have some really bizarre behaviors and can truly never be integrated into a normal social environment.

WITH THAT SAID- Why are we doing this as a society? Are we going to become more socially retarded? Is that even possible?

When anyone has ever asked me my religion- my reply has always been "I just want to hold hands with the children of the world and sing Kumbayah". But is that allowed anymore? What are we afraid of?

Back to my 2 year old- in Pre-school we were pulled aside because Quinn was hugging kids and they are taught not to touch each other. So we had to tell her to keep her hands to herself. I feel bad for her. She was just showing her affection and maybe some kids are not getting that positive interaction at home...so WHY NOT? What's the harm? I know personally I am always all over my kid...there's just something so delicious about a 2 year old....especially mine!

And certain portions of my extended family hug and kiss and are all over each other and I'll tell you somethin....my mind doesn't have to work over time debating whether it's appropriate to pat those people on the back or slug em for being silly....I always know it's okay.

For the rest eh ya.....keep yer distance!

Time Outs

2007-10-20T15:27:00.000-07:00

Quinn just put a ghost candle that I have on the dining room table for decoration in time out. When I asked her why the ghost was in time out she told me he was stupid......if we could all go to time out when we were stupid....the world would be a better place!

Think twice....do you REALLY need those Cheetos?

2007-10-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

In the past week, the company that supplies all the vending machines to our building has "upgraded" them making everything in them bigger and more expensive. There are no longer .60 cent sodas...everything comes in 20 oz and is a dollar! A DOLLAR! Who keeps money like that lying around? Who HAS that kind of money anymore? I mentioned this to our voice girl in the building and she said in a very announcerish voice "We've got turkey sandwiches...financing available at the front desk"...

EXACTLY!

I've been begging, borrowing and thinking about stealing spare change off co-workers' desks just so I can get a GOD DAMNED CHERRY COKE! I'm pregnant for God's sake....who's cruel joke is this? Pregnant AND broke!

No one has received a raise this year so why the swanky new food? hmm?

I wonder if my company gets a cut of all the profits, I'm sure that's part of the deal right? So pay us less and then not only take our time, dignity and pride away from us but make sure you grab that extra .40 cents on your way out now too....

As it stands right now I'm all out of ones.....and my ass is a bit sore.

My dirty little secrets

2007-09-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

When you enter the land of parenthood you also enter the land of unexplained unabashed full-speed ahead competition. The kind of competition you've never experienced in your life. Not, I must win this football game, not I must get a better grade on this paper but my child will over power yours or I will eat my own for tomorrow's breakfast. If my child is able to One-Up yours then...it is clear...there is a God.
I try to act all high and mighty like I don't entertain these parents or partake in these reindeer games but my own feminine womb powers overwhelm my very existence and I enter the ring. With Montessori on one hand and professional technical ballet classes on the other.
What's that? Gymboree is holding Mandarin Language classes? Sign us up for 2....no better yet, I'll call the teacher at home and we'll meet with her beforehand to get a head start!

So you can see when I do hear stories of children progressing before mine, I feel protective....and I also feel like I'm doing something wrong, when in the end- these so-called "advancements or progressions" have nothing to do with the child and EVERYTHING to do with the over-socialized, extremely competitive parents.

Quinn is 28 months and is not completely potty trained. By the time her 2nd Birthday rolled around I was very concerned about it. We had been practicing on the potty chair since she was 13 months old, yet she was still have accidents 9 out of 10 pee/poop times. I kept at it, pushing and pushing her to use control. In August I enrolled her in preschool and sent her with just panties to school. By the end of the first day, they pulled me aside and asked "can you please send diapers with her to school tomorrow"
"But we're potty training" I responded
Taking an audible pause then giving me a sympathetic slight smile her teacher said quite teacherly, "Quinn is a wonderful girl and verbally is really ahead of all the children in the class, but when kids are ready to be potty trained they will let you know they need to go BEFORE they start to go in their pants....Quinn has the verbal skills to do this, her body is just not quite yet notifying her.....she just not ready yet"
I was pissed. And then I was hurt.
And then I sat in my car and thought....she's not ready.......
SO WHAT?
What have I been rushing...she's not even 3....not even 2 and a half.
My dreams of her being a potty trained infant went out the window, what didn't go out the window are all the comments I've heard from parents including my own.
Apparently I was potty trained at 18 months. My niece was potty trained at 23 months....and on and on.
These comments should mean nothing to me, yet they are what I've been basing Quinn's success on.

Potty Training aside-

the 2 dirty secrets I have are by far worse than slow potty training to any parent. I don't admit these two things to anyone- not even our own family doctor....

Quinn still uses a binky or pacifier.

I try to remove it before we run into anyone we know or before getting out of the car in public places or even hide them when people come over. The comments I hear about her having a binky are just...well...whatever! We should probably take it away, get rid of all of them, but I just don't really care. If it brings her comfort every now and then, why does anyone care. I've always been a very oral person and to this day still struggle with chewing my nails. Thank GOD I never took up smoking!
And all of this crap about them ruining their teeth by having binkies is pure bullshit and I'll take the pepsi challenge on that one. It's just like people who say giving a child a bottle at night will ruin their teeth...old wives tales...

which brings me to secret #2

Quinn still has a bottle at nap time and at bed time.

There I said it.

Feels like I just went to confession...I'll now do 12 hail marys and 5 hello dollys.

Yeah..so... she does.

And she loves them.

And again, it's a comfort tool. Cort and I decided to take them away a couple months ago and she would cry at night and I was just in my first trimester with this pregnancy- feeling like shit, lying in bed listening to a sweet little girl cry for a bottle of milk and I thought..."What the fuck am I seriously doing?" Why do I give that big of shit if she has a bottle or not if it makes her feel better? But again I had all of these mothers' voices running through my head "I stopped bottles at 11 months.....18 months.....at birth". Why do I care? I know she's not going to kindergarten with a bottle-AND- for the record- there is nap time at pre-school and she does not have a bottle or Binky then and is just fine.

So there- I said it.

The reason these popped into my head today is because we have a new baby sitter coming tonight and when we interviewed her a couple weeks ago I had to come clean with these little controversial nuggets of truth and felt very dirty as I was telling her to make sure my toddler gets her 'baba' before bedtime.

BUT- in the words of Kathy Griffin "Everybody can suck it".... (a bottle or binky...suck whichever one you'd like!)

After all; who can resist this face?

Millenium Child? Child of the 2000's?

2007-09-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

Being a child of the 80's there are several memories that mark the proof I did exist before 2000.

1. Playing Pit Fall on the Atari at the Barnharts' house
2. Spiral Perms from 9 years old on....
3. Begging my parents for a Nintendo- getting the Nintendo as a joint birthday present with my brother for my 12th birthday and his 9th...because they were so EFFING expensive.
a. Duck Hunt...woot woot!

4. Owning the Footloose Soundtrack on Cassette Tape

When having my own child in 2005 it did not cross my mind the things she would never experience in her own childhood that would mimic my own. The older she gets the more I observe her odd behavior and these little differences show up.

For example: when Quinn was born my mother bought her a blue rattle in the shape of a hand held telephone. like this .....

To this day, she has no clue what it is or what to even do with it. But give that girl an old cell phone and she's got it straight up to her ear carrying on conversations with Mickey Mouse, Papa or cousin Sage.

The other day she set up her little craft table with an activity pad on top and laid out 3 plastic Barbie playing cards. She told me to take a card and hand it to her. Then she said "I swipe card"...."okay here you go, bye!" Then I had to walk around the table and do it again. Within a few seconds I figured out we were playing 'store' and she was swiping my credit card. When I went and grabbed some coins and dollar bills off the kitchen counter and said "I'll pay with these" she said "NO- I need swipe card". She had no clue what the money was for.

This same little 2 year old won't walk 10 feet away from our car without asking if she can "Beep" it for me. (lock the doors and hear the beep). She doesn't know you can manually lock the car doors.

She also thinks we can pull up her favorite shows on TV at any given time because we have TIVO and WE CAN!

She knows the difference between my cell phone ring and her father's. "Uh oh Daddy's phone".

It's just amazing the things and experiences she'll never have. I guess my parents probably went through the same thing with my brother and I.

I remember my mom telling me about the Maxi Pads they had to wear when she was in Junior High and how they were as big as adult diapers.

Or how TV used to only have a handful of channels and the entire family made an event out of watching one show.

To look at the bright side the few things we do share are The Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake and Jelly Shoes. I guess that has to make up for the Spice Girls songs she'll never hear and the Banana Clips she'll probably never wear.

She'll think the Nine Inch Nails dudes are old fogies...just like I of the Rolling Stones!

VS.

P.S. And what will she think of Michael Jackson????

A Tragic Ending to a Tragic Beginning....

2007-09-01T13:55:00.001-07:00

As one of the only people to watch the show, I feel obligated to share my thoughts, feelings and overall opinion on the reality show "The Two Corey's".

Much to my surprise no one I know (or have at least talked to in the past few weeks) watched it.

In retrospect, I probably didn't have to waste precious TIVO'ing hours on it either. But still feel the need to share...afterall it's my blog (neener, neener, *sticks tongue out and pthfwt)

I know now I expected too much from it....granted it was on BRAVO and even Bravo only bought like 8 episodes before calling it quits. But once my friend Vedjen announced it on her blog, I couldn't help but anticipate it's greatness...(heavy, heart felt sigh)...

First and foremost I expected to be entertained. When that did not happen, I wanted to be informed. There were a few things that this less-than-License-to-Drive-more-like-Dream-A-Little-Dream "dramatization" made me more informed about....

1. Corey Feldman is a pussy and pussy-whipped. This is not a healthy combo my friends...you should be one or the other. Not only is he extremely particular in what he wears, taking hours upon hours to do his hair and without a shirt looks like gay Elvis Cabana Boy, but he follows his wife around like a prisoner at Guantanamo Bay (I'm convinced he's in that infamous pyramid shot). Not to mention he's like 15 years older than her, but she's bossy, bitchy and this over the top vegan! The show should have been called "The 2 Corey's and Feldman's over involved, bitchy child bride"

2a. You know, now that I think about it, she was like a stage mom. Her name is Susie and any press event the 2 coreys had, she would be there too, not like on the side lines taking pics, but as one of the guests of honor. They had a DVD signing for "The Lost Boys" because of the 20 year re-release or some shit and there they were; Corey, Corey and Susie all behind the table on director's chairs signing copies of DVDs. She had even added her name to the Display poster behind them. Who the hell is this girl?

2b. Vegan- I was not kidding- the pinnacle is when they invited the head of PETA over to their house for dinner, filmed the entire thing & Corey Haim proceeded to hit on her while answering the door to get his extra sausage delivery pizza..

3. Which leads me to my next point- the entire thing was staged from Scene 1 to Grand Finale. Corey Feldman and his wife Susie "Satan" Feldman appeared on Chelsea Lately where he said every reality show he's ever done has been staged- that was my first clue, my second clue was...well the entire season that and "The Flavor of Love" which I don't have time to get into now but if you must click on the title to learn more.

4. Where in the World was Corey Haim for the past 20 years? I would've rather left this a mystery but apparently he was a fat drug addict...exibit A

YIKES! I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing or seeing that. My teenage years seem empty and meaningless now. I want to go back and rip down every Big Bopper picture of him off my bedroom ceiling! WHERE OH WHERE is Fred Savage at a time like this? Chad Allen? Are you a chunky drug addict to? If so, please keep it in the closet until I pass on to the next world.

And just so you know, I'm not making this stuff up nor is that a doctored pic...they discuss it openly on the show that he just became sober and lost a bajillion pounds.

For someone like this...when does they're dough run out? How are they paying for all these expensive drugs? Is that why they do reality shows like this?

So long 2 Coreys....my husband will be happy he doesn't have to walk by the television and mutter "you're still watching this shit?"

Miss South Carolina

2007-08-27T20:46:00.001-07:00

Such as....like....such as....

The Happiest Place on Earth

2007-08-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

Mom & Michelle leaving the castle

Cort w/Q riding Dumbo.

We took a quick trip to DLand and Huntington Beach this past week and had a wonderful time. As we're enjoying the scenery walking down Main St, my 16 almost 17 year old cousin Malia

said something very entertaining "What is it with the adults obsessed with Disney characters....that's a little odd don't ya think?"

Yes I do think. What is with them? Why are there 45 year old women decked from head to toe in "MINNIE MOUSE FOREVER" gear waiting in line for Goofy's autograph? Why are their grown men with over hanging beer guts donning the Buzz Light Year "To Infinity & Beyond" Glow in the dark T-shirt with X-Ray Goggles? I'm all for buying crap and wearing while in the park...ONLY in the park, but my next door neighbor has an "Em Eye See, Kay EE Y" License plate cover and she's in her mid 30's....might explain why the perpetual state of singledom....hmmm

How do these people function at normal jobs? "oh look there's Bob over by the copier with his dumbo ears on again, silly Bob....I heard he's hitting the park again this weekend with his annual pass"

"Ooh Judy's got a new screen saver of Tinkerbell and she bought the latest Tink mug for her 50th birthday"

How do people take them seriously in meetings? "Let's get this meeting started...how was everyone's weekend? I personally went to the Princess Cove and hear Ariel read from Under the Sea and bought myself a Pirates Costume.....Susan what did you do? "I cleaned my house and argued with my husband like a normal human being Ralph"

Do they think someday someone in the park will recognize them as the "ultimate fan" and award them with something? Perhaps Mickey's hand in marriage? A night alone with Minnie on the Jungle Safari?

Do they think they will find their soulmate at the Park- someone just as obsessed as they are and they can make sweet sweet Walt Disney love?

Maybe their not concerned with finding a mate, but what is their joy waking up in the morning? Getting online to see how much the bid is now for the Mickey and Minnie Trader pins? (adding to that; I thought trader pins were so 2001 but apparently not, they are all over the park and outside the park with beautiful middle aged women wearing them....I wonder if these are the same women that still collect beanie babies?)

Enough of my rant, we had a great time and my two year old now loves Mickey Mouse who she affectionately refers to as "Mickey Nose"....we really don't know why. I do want to leave you with one more little tid bit I just found on the "net"....a chat group for over zealous adult Disney fans....here's Brian's Story: ENJOY!

Brian (Tiggerguy) Moderator/Keeper of the Lists
It wasn't until he was 33 that Brian made his first trek down to Disney World in March of 1990. He liked it so much that he has been back every year since. He has also made four trips out to Disneyland. He became very interested in Disney Trivia in 1995 when he first got connected to Compuserve, one of the very first providers of internet service. He has been playing Disney Trivia there every Tuesday night since. Brian discovered DisneyWorldTrivia.com by reading a message that Lou had posted on the rec.arts.disney.park (RADP) news group in early 2004. He visited the site a few times before deciding to join and enjoyed it so much that he volunteered to help Lou moderate it. Every chance he gets, he tells people to come to the site for fun and get information. Brian has the distinction of being the very first customer to Lou's logo store when he introduced it. As "Keeper of the Lists" Brian keeps tracks of active members birthdays, anniversaries and weekly membership growth. His other duties include giving history of what has happened at Disney and other interesting tidbits.
Favorite Resort: Wilderness Lodge

Favorite Park: Animal Kingdom

Favorite Attraction: MuppetVision 3D

Favorite Meal: Beef Filet Mignon at Jiko

Favorite Characters: Sorcerer Mickey/Tigger (of course!)

Brian!

How Rude!

2007-08-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

When I became pregnant this 2nd time I got some weird comments when I told people. Normally when someone tells me their pregnant as long as they're not a 16 year old meth addict my first reaction is "congratulations". Somewhere along the way, this response is no longer the first instinctual one in other adults. Instead this is how a couple of my situations went down.

Randi "hey I'm pregnant"
Person not to be named "congratulations, if that's what you really want".....WTF? If that's what you really want? who says shit like that?

2nd situation
Randi "I'm pregnant"
Person not to be named "oh I thought you and Cort didn't want anymore kids?" again HUH??? I responded by saying "no we've never said that"...because we never HAVE said that....where do people come up with this shit. Why not shut your mouth and JUST.SAY. congrats?

The final topper for Cort was he was out getting lunch the other day and ran into a former colleague of ours. The first question out of her mouth was not, how's life, how's Quinn, how's work...it was "so are you and Randi still together"...??? It really irritated Cort and the more I think about it, like how is that the first question out of your mouth.....how bout maybe you warm up to that?

I just don't get people sometimes these days. It makes me want to lock myself in my house and just hang out with my kid.

This really breaks my heart

2007-07-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

How sad....Tammy Faye Baker

Crackberry

2007-07-07T08:01:00.001-07:00

You be the judge!

The Real Queen of England and other random thoughts

2007-07-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

I watched the Concert for Diana last Sunday. If you're unfamiliar with it- it was the concert Prince William and Prince Harry put on for their Mother- she would have been 46 years old on July 1st.
Anyway, I know Francofiles are people obsessed with everything French- I don't know what the proper term is for someone obsessed with the Brits but my friend Sonia says the slang term is Pommy....so I'm a pommy...
I want to be British, I want to at least pretend I'm British and I want to act like I know everything about the Brits...and I was only there for 8 days! I think this has to do with the women in my family...I was raised being woken up at 3 am to watch the royal weddings live...so there ya go.
I digress- so back to the concert.
So Wills & Harry put this thing together...err or their people put this thing together. I mean I've put a lot of big events together and those 2 princes were sitting enjoying the show so in no way shape or form did they have a huge organizing task in this or they would have not been sitting enjoying the entire show. They would've been backstage putting out ten thousand fires. Which I've been told all trace back to Elton John.
In the radio biz, you do get the inside info on a lot of artists and although Elton isn't really in the format I work, I have heard a lot about him and his demands.
Don't get me wrong- the man is a gazzillionaire with more talent in his one earring than I have in my entire body. But Mary Please!
Concert For Diana: Elton opened it and closed it. So during the final bits of the show, Ricky Gervais came out to do a few minutes of standup and then to introduce Elton. Poor Ricky ended up having to stall for an extra 10 minutes because Elton was refusing to come out. I have heard this happens more than not at his concerts. BUT THIS WASN'T HIS CONCERT. This is what goes down normally (so I've been told). If his mic, or monitor or whatever levels are not exactly to his perfection he will refuse to play. He will not come out of his dressing room and he will not get dressed. It usually takes someone a few minutes to talk him into doing the rest of his show- promising him there will be no more problems with his equipment. I'm hear to tell you, when dealing with audio equipment LIVE...shit happens and when you throw a diva in the mix...you're fucked! Like I said this wasn't his show, this was for someone else and every artist was doing it for free...so I don't know why he felt he could take a stand. Also, the Princes asked him to come to an after party at which Elton was required to walk to on his own two feet and he was super pissed about that.
I mean not even Queen Lizzie pitches fits about bucking up and taking it like a man sometimes....
I do have to say I think it was bad form that neither the Queen nor Prince Charles made a cameo at the event...hey I told you I was a pommy....

Bitch Please!

2007-06-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

Weddings & Babies bring out the worst ASSVICE from the entire general public. Complete strangers will approach you on the street, interrupt your lunch, spark up conversation between bathroom stalls and tell you the what, where, why, & how of these 2 things. ...and if you don't do it that exact way YOU WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND YOUR DOG WILL DIE ON CHRISTMAS. plus...THEY TOLD YOU SO.
I didn't have a conventional wedding so I missed that but with the pregnancy....holy fetus batman...I got more than enough advice with my first one.
So I'm telling everyone with this second kid...don't bother trying....somewhere along the way, I turned it off....the ability to absorb anymore wives tales, good luck potions, etc.
I was enjoying a green tea the other day and someone from across the office fucking RUDELY interrupted my 5 seconds of antioxidant bliss "is that really okay for the baby?". My response "yes it's perfectly fine"....my inner pregnancy response "HEY FUCK YOU, ARE YOU FUCKING PREGNANT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PREGNANT...YEAH DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO...SHUT YOUR INEXPERIENCED, UNCONTROLLABLE FUCKING TOURETTES MOUTH BITCH!"
I'm probably capable of shanking someone in this first trimester

Furthermore, I don't care if you have been pregnant before I don't want your advice unless your telling me how great I am and showering me with compliments. Yeah, that's basically all I want to hear until I deliver; how great I am, gorgeous, hilarious and it wouldn't' hurt to throw money at me as I walk by you.

Meat Lovers

2007-06-29T17:23:00.000-07:00

This gives a whole new meaning to Regular Price, Four bucks, Four bucks

The Womb: Reloaded

2007-06-23T05:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, the tabloids are true...I am knocked up once again. It's very early - I'm only 9 weeks along but boy oh boy...do I definitely know I'm pregnant.

Things Parent's Magazine doesn't' tell you about being pregnant

1. First off: Your body is no longer yours as you fondly remember it. It is now housing a foreign object that is literally sucking the very life out of you for itself. This should be your first warning sign.
2. Immune System Schimmune Schsytem: Your immune system forgets it's been working for you for the past 30 years and begins to wait hand and foot on the microscopic parasite invading your damn space! You could have SARS and your child-to-be is nestled comfy cozy dreaming of sugar plums...IE: my kid is fine but at the moment I have a sinus infection with a double ear infection....I haven't had an ear infection since I was 8!!! But like i said your immune system has forgotten your name and lost your number. When I was pregnant with Quinn I had pregnancy carpal tunnel, pink eye and any other random shit you can think of.
3. Gas: I don't know if it's because there's all of the sudden more room in your body but at this early point in your pregnancy you do not want to be having one night stands or sharing your bed with any strangers in general...your morning bed side manner is well...explosive
4: Massive Diarrhea: I've talked to a lot of women that are constipated through most of their pregnancy...not I. I get the most horrendous, painful lower back cramps where I'm sweating they hurt so bad and every morning I have awesome explosive .......awesomeness!
5. B.O.: This has got to be because of the increased amount of hormones in your body but I can apply deodorant 17 times a day and still I reek (wreak? reak?sp?) I also can grow 3 inches of armpit hair during a 20 minute episode of Blues Clues...another wonderful pregnancy party trick!
6. Puke on Command:brushing my teeth, coughing, singing, checking my email....I can puke I can also dry heave by request.

There are these women out there that claim they "didn't know they were pregnant" until the kid was crowning...but I ask you with all of these lovely doing flips during your last trimester and your vajayjay no longer resembling one during those last few months....how do you not realize what the hell is going on?

Pirates 101

2007-06-06T14:52:00.000-07:00

Wilmer on the Red Carpet- he ignored us...I kept calling his name asking him to come over!

Many of you have been waiting for this....come on at least PRETEND!! I did tell a few I would blog about my experience on the red carpet and actually did start typing this really long, detailed blog and now it's just to novella for me to finish...so I'm going to make this one a little more to-the-point!

Cort's morning show was asked to be on the red carpet for the Premiere of Pirates 3, but Buena Vista would only send 1 person so they sent Cort and I being the trophy wife bought a new dress and tagged along.

After being to London on business and having "that" sort of treatment..nothing is comparing quite as nicely...in London E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. was paid for and I mean everything....down to, they bought Cort a new Euro cell phone so it would be easier for him to call people.

ANYWAY- let me just stop for a sec and say Pirates was great....but not London...

now for the scoop.

So we arrive at Disneyland at 4:30p as all the paperwork states and get our "media" badges. They then show us where our booth is on the red carpet. Out of 192 booths, we are 181...yeah...#1 is People Magazine, #2 MTV, #3 E!...and on and on...so Salt Lake City radio station of course is going to be at the end. And as it turned out a few didn't show up so we were 2nd to last...BUT THAT'S OKAY..

The actual movie doesn't start until 8p but we had to be in place by 5p....

So we get to the booth and Disney is very professional...they have all of your equipment on and ready to go, headphones, an engineer and assistant and your beckon call. Plus they give you tons of freebies...gifts- we got 2 commemorative Pirates huge books, Pirates beach towels, Pirates velvet hats that say 'dead men tell no tales, muhahahaha" and on and on...a bunch more commemorative stuff...very cool.

The Disney Reps also hand you a bio packet...it's got every single celeb that is going to be on the red carpet and a little bio on them. It's also got all the stuff on the movie and how it was made blah blah blah.

The reps also tell you who- out of the big names you are going to be able to interview. "no johnny depp" "yes Orlando but it's going to be a pod interview" meaning us and 1 other radio station at the same time. Out of all of the people that crossed the red carpet...you have about 3-5 A-List celebs: Johnny depp, Orlando Bloom, Teri Hatcher, Kobe Bryant....mmm that might be about it...the rest are TOTAL B, C & D celebs...

STILL..very cool- no complaints

Most memorable moments:

We were so excited to interview Cloris Leachman because we both love her as the one-legged mean grandma on Malcolm...but she was like....on something and couldn't answer anything in a Full English sentence...so that was a let down

One of the best interviews was Mark Curry- You know "Hangin with Mr. Cooper"..he was really cool and made some joke about how the cleaners had burnt his suit so he had to get a new one at the last minute or people would be thinking "man that Mr. Cooper is broke!"...pretty fun

Another good interview was the Dancing with the stars finalists: Apollo & Juliane and Joey Fatone and that Cheryl girl...they were really cool- they were actually not doing radio interviews but were hanging around our booth talking and so I grabbed them and started asking them questions...Joey Fatone is pretty thin in real life.

Ian Ziering was also there and we interviewed him...everything was going well until I said "so are going on tour with the Dancing with the Stars" (cuz you know they go on tour after the show is over) and he says "no I'm not I"m going to see a movie right now" and drops the mic on our table and walks off!! Totally cut me off!! ASS!

Cort's favorite interview was with Meredith Eaton she's on Boston Legal as Denny Crane's love interest...she's a little person. Cort loves her and she was a great interview...very very nice probably the nicest person on the red carpet. Cort got a picture with her...so I will post it as soon as I can.

She came with Martin Klebba who's in Pirates 3 and he was a pretty good interview as well...when we asked him what he was doing next he said spending time with his son...he said Pirates is a hectic schedule and he just wanted some down time.

Long story short...the interviews we were promised we did not get- Orlando...we were also promised Bill Nighy (Davy Jones) and they would hand us a D-Lister to interview and then whisk the A-Lister past us as we were in mid-interview....don't think it was really a tactic...they ran out of time....I was also bummed because I REALLY wanted to interview Teri Hatcher but she was a biggie and had about 20 in her entourage....Johnny Depps was the biggest entourage....not surprising....oh and Masi Oka- the Asian kid from Heroes had the most beautiful stick skinny supermodel on his arm! And she was about 3 inches taller than him.

After the event, Disney escorts you to the media building where they have free food and drinks as long as you want....

All in all it was a fun experience and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Blogging at work

2007-06-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

Is probably a huge no no but I'm sitting here at 4:23p on Friday afternoon and I see exactly one person in my peripheral....NO ONE IS HERE.
And let's be honest...show of hands for those of you who myspace at work. Yes I'm raising my hand...what better way to look forward to finishing a project than anticipating the red screaming letters "NEW MESSAGES". Plus my myspace song is really lame right now so I'll eat up about 10 minutes trying to find the newest coolest song...gots to stick with the trends.

So....yes, I'm blogging at work and under someone else's log in...so if a history was pulled on this person they would see my blog and then there would be at least one other person reading my blog...Bitter no? Well maybe a little.

To my next point of business...all of you lazy slutty fingers out there find time to play online sodoku or check out perezhilton.com but you can't be bothered to leave a comment. Could be the reason I haven't posted in a coons age...but it's not...my fingers are as lazy and slutty as the next.

I want to say I'll be more regular and post daily or even weekly but I can't be held to committments like that. IE: I paid for Quinn to do swimming lessons- $50 for 7 sessions...she went to 2 of them....
WAIT THOUGH...she was sick, had asthma, one week was her birthday...and the last two weeks....well .....they're at 9:30a in the freakin morning!! Who can wake up, eat breakfast and be in their swimming gear and at the pool by 9:30a???? Seriously? And it's only 25 minutes long... like what's the point? I should have just found out when open pool time is and let her and her Dad go down for a couple hours....that would be well worth 50 bucks!!

Anyway, someone else just walked into their office so maybe I should pretend to do some work...although all this clickity click typing noise makes people think I'm doing something really important. Someone just walked by a couple minutes ago and said "listen to her type!"

TEEHEE!!

Do Ladies Really Love Country Boys?

2007-05-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

There's a new song out by Trace Adkins that states just that "Ladies Love Country Boys". I've dated....well...probably one country boy that I would stereotypically label such in my entire life and..umm....didn't love it so much.
For a few reasons...
1. He chewed- barf
2. He was a butcher-double barf
3. He wore wranglers-mmmkay, I can handle but he was stick skinny...
4. Poor grammar, vocab, etc.
5. Beer, Jeep Wrangler, Beer
6. And then there was the occasional show/musical/ballet that I wanted to see or that new sushi restaurant to try .... these things were really not up his alley and he would refuse...Red Lobster was as ritzy as it was gettin

OH SHIT! I forgot the best one of all
7. RACED DIRT BIKES
- I HATE THESE THINGS....no offense to ...well...yeah OFFENSE BIG-HARD-CORE-INTENTIONAL- OFFENSE! Dirt Bikes drive me nuts probably because of this relationship. I could've been hit by a bus, dead for 3 weeks and if he was busy racing he would have no clue. I'm convinced those bikes are a replacement for significant emotional distress, joy or what-have-you. If you race dirt bikes I question your childhood and capacity to hold a decent relationship & job.

So this probably doesn't sum up every "Country Boy". I hope there's a country boy out there graduated with honors from Yale, makes over 1mil./yr, recycles and just strives to make the world a better place. oh and I hope he drives a hybrid and HATES DIRT BIKES!

Sizzler is the new black

2007-04-28T06:26:00.000-07:00

Got home from work later than usual last night, absolutely nothing decent to eat in the house for dinner- except for an open can of spagetti-o's and that would only feed....me- Love me some spagetti-o's. ANYWHO!
Cort's been on this pizza kick....
nothing for dinner- PIZZA
nothing for lunch- PIZZA
Herniated disc- PIZZA
Late for a funeral- PIZZA
the funny thing is, he keeps bringing it up as an option and we haven't had yet, but just his constant idea has completely turned me off...I'm sick of pizza and haven't even taken a bite!

So we hop in the car and try the "spot a restaurant" game. You know, you just start driving and whatever you pass you shout out....you point on the right "how bout Red Lobster?"...oh look there on the left "olive garden". We ended up at Sizzler..yeah yeah Sizzler. For some reason Sizzler reminds Cort of Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown so Cort keeps performing these really bad Whitney impersonations "Bobby, get me some Mabilu Chicken (spelling error intentional)"

So we walk in and let me just throw this in there- Cort & I have been avoiding a lot of questionably public places lately because our little ball of toddlerness...for several reasons....most importantly she has no stranger danger and cannot tell the difference between inside & outside voices/behavior....she also lacks your basic sanity. So Sizzler probably wasn't the greatest choice but I was hungry and becoming bitchy... (WATCH IT!)

So we walk in and your usual crowd that frequents the Sizzler is representin...the dirty, the fat, the ugly...most of all though the swingin kids in their early 100s. I had no idea this is where our seniors came to chew their last steak. Cort and I opted for the Salad Bar with the mind set we could run up, grab our food & shove it down before Quinn had time to play the steak sauce bottle like a guitar, watch the lid fly off and pour down her brand new outfit, all over the booth and into the carpet....we were wrong. Salad Bar was like watching one legged, blind lab rats hunt for the last piece of moldy cheese. I had more than one 90 yr old say to me "go ahead of me" and usher me with their wrinkly hand onto the next item. UNFORTUNATELY there were about 25 seniors at any given time using the actual bar as a arm/elbow/chest rest. You couldn't get to anything. At one point I had to make some serious decisions...eat my beets while they were still chilled or wait for the egg...as you can guess...no egg for me last night. No a lot of things...no broccoli, cauliflower, baby corns...it was a sad salad with several limitations- definitely not all you can eat.
But the service made up for everything
1st of all- we had no idea until we were paying...3 years & under are FREE!!! WOOHOO! You mean Q can actually waste your food and I don't have to pay for it???? SWEET!
2nd- they are extremely child friendly....again, I had no idea, I never paired Sizzler with screaming children....I would more think Whitney & Bobby...but not Bobby Christina
A. They sat us in a back corner booth! No I was not offended, I was impressed..."yes my child is a hellion, do you have anything on the roof or perhaps in the kitchen"
B. They would sporadically come by and compliment her...cool whatever...yeah I think she's adorable too...
3rd- they checked on us a bajillion times...and Cort ran to the bathroom and said "hey when she comes back order me more shrimp"...she came back WITH SHRIMP!! I never had time to ask... AT THE SIZZLER!!
4th- 2 different "house managers" came by to ask us how everything was....at first I thought they were doing it because Quinn had grabbed their blinds and was screaming "HIIIIII" at the people eating on the deck, then dumped the sugar packets out of the container and threw them at the senior citizens sitting behind us...but then I noticed they were going to every table checking on everyone

So in conclusion: if you can get passed the nearly dead and maybe you should avoid the salad bar. And if you can swallow an average piece of steak...Sizzler is not so bad....definitely a good alternative to McDonald's

Totally Turned Off

2007-04-21T07:02:00.000-07:00

I like to think if people had to tag me as a conservative or liberal they would lean more liberal. But after the parent meeting at Quinn's school last night I'm not sure where I fall.

The school I chose for Quinn is an extremely liberal, creative, loosely structured ...well it's Waldorf . Very holistic approach to education; they respect nature, they learn where everything comes from, they learn to understand and love everyone and it's pretty cool. HOWEVER, the lack of organization, communication and the overall SNOTTINESS of this place is really getting to me.

I love Quinn's teacher and I love the woman who runs the school- I don't love the woman's husband. He's a complete ass. We show up at this meeting last night with a salad. The email specifically said- "it's a potluck, bring a dish" so the woman that runs the place, rushes over and says "oh thank god you brought something, barely anyone did so thank you!" I go to put it on the table and her asshole husband comes over and goes "what is that"I reply "Oriental chicken salad". His response "you better let everyone know it's not vegetarian". That's #1 oh and cram this salad spoon up your ungrateful vegetarian ass.

#2. We're in this meeting and they are going over the 5 year goal for the school. They are also discussing the fundamental beliefs of the school for example: tolerance. That's when asshole chimes in "I want to be clear there are certain things we are not tolerant of; it's our biggest pet peeve when kids wear Spiderman or Batman shirts or Dora...we are not tolerant of that". And we're not tolerant when they draw pictures of Television characters because those are someone else's artistic creations".

WHAT THE FUH? SERIOUSLY! Guess I've been in radio too long. Yeah I understand TV kills your brain, yeah I understand someone else came up with Spiderman. But inspiration comes from somewhere different for everyone....I do not want someone condescendingly and militantly telling my child they are a loser if they enjoy watching an episode of Dancing with the Stars. But let's be honest it was the mention of Dora that really pissed me off. Quinn loves Dora. Yeah we let her watch Nick Jr. and she asks to watch Dora. But more than anything my kid wants to go outside and play and draw pictures with her sidewalk chalk. Or rock her baby to sleep. or dance. My child is extremely creative and can still watch Dora...HOLY SHIT WHAT A CONCEPT.

A shocking fact they mentioned last night was 90% of the students last year did not return to the school this year....shocking no more...they are snobs...they make you feel like you are not part of the club unless you succumb to all of their "pet peeves" (that was one of my favorite parts...when he said that...so unprofessional).

Like I said, I thought I was a hippie I thought this school was pretty liberal/hippie, but Sarah told me once even hippies can be militant...and I think that's what I've run into here. I thought we would all hold hands and love each other and there was no wrong answer....apparently there is. This is just the kind of stuff I try to stay away from, I hate when people tell you if you do this or this then you are no longer part of the club. It reminds me a lot of religion...which we all know what I think of that.

Sadly, I think after this spring session is over I'm taking Quinn out and moving her to Montessori. At least there I know they are cool with Quinn wearing a Dora shirt.

I mean it this time

2007-04-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

It's not you, it's me. Don't question yourself..I'm back....for good... No honey, I've always loved you, I was just going through one of those periods where I just needed to be alone to figure out what I really wanted in my life.... and that's you, I'll never doubt our relationship again. Don't you see how good we are together? I want to grow old with you and watch you crash my computer and have little baby blogs. Please trust me....and trust in our power of posting...

It's Friday

2007-04-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

I'm having a pretty good hair day.
I was also hit on by a 17 year old boy at my event today...whilst wearing my wedding ring
perhaps I could win the lottery

why is this happening to me?

2007-03-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so London is haunting me

I'm dreaming about it every night
I'm analyzing everything in my life to figure out a way to move there. I want to live there....and I want to move there tomorrow.

Let me preface by saying I have never been to Europe and now this is the only place I've been.

What do I have a case of? Someone please diagnose me and assure me it will pass! Or have me take 2 Toffee Crisps and ring you on my mobile in the morning....

I've been drafting speeches in my mind that I'm going to give Quinn when she becomes a teenager about how we will fund her study abroad....SHE HAS TO DO IT!

Vedjen....I'm coming to you for support! Lil veddie did her Masters over in Jolly ole England....is that right Ved?

Disco's back, back again....

2007-03-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

Post Nasal Trip Drip

I'm feeling quite...... lame

Here are some promises for you.

1. I promise I will never again make fun of Madonna's fake English accent because I will be using one now too
2. I promise to at least put on real clothes for the next 6 months...the fashion there was OUT OF THIS WORLD .....or should I say out of this country....VERY HIGH QUALITY and it hit me like a maxed out credit card
3. I promise to get pictures up and emailed out as soon as I find an hour by myself
4. I promise in every conversation I will refer to the royal family or Elizabethan history in some way, shape or form
5. I promise I'm going to be less of a big, fat, ignorant American....cuz that's what I felt like over there.

They report worldly news, they mix their tabloids with their real news and they say "is that to stay or take away?"

I'm in love
Beam me back Lizzie .....or Chuck....or even Camilla

Brightside

2007-03-10T05:32:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it's something about my childhood or how I feel about karma or what but I always force myself to see the shitty side of things or wonder why the shitties aren't happening to me.
For example: Trip to London....kickass muthafuckin trip to London
Inside my brain:
-Why is this happening to us? Why do we deserve this? What gives us the right to take advantage of this opportunity....

I know, I know.....exactly what you're thinking....SHUT UP ALREADY RANDI and take a fucking free trip to London.
But no, it doesn't work that way in my head.

And here's what I'm most concerned about:
I've been looking forward to this trip for at least the past 2 months. We've been preparing for it day in day out. New clothes, new cell phone (or should I say celly....that's what they say right? =) New car- well it wasn't exactly for the trip but Cort wanted to get it before we left....SEE EVERYTHING has been worked around this little trip. So how am I going to feel the day we come back? How do you cope? What a let down! I'm nervous that I'm going to have a breakdown when we get back since I've been looking forward to this for so long.
And that, my cyber mates is my biggest concern right now. Not that I leave on Monday for probably one of the most awesome hook ups in radio history but how will I feel come next Tuesday? Hmmm?

Sidenote: oooh Robin Thicke looks just like his dad....I can't see him as a sex object....sorry...watching VH1...he's like a Waaaaaay too clean cut Justin Timberlake....I feel like I'm waiting for Tracey Gold to walk in on this music video and ask her dad for lunch money and then wait for it.....laugh track.

Don't judge me!

2007-03-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Ahhh how I love to sit on my throne or cushy couch and shout distasteful things at the television during supernanny or wife swap. "these women call themselves MOTHERS?????".
Until this happened....
I'm working nights now and must wake up with my 22 month old alarm clock no matter how much I yearn to cover my ears with Cort's pillow. So my outfit these days consists of sweats, pony tail and shirt from last night. Make up - what's that?
Oh let me throw in this lovely side note. Quinn has developed this wonderful whining shrill that sounds like Chewbacca's little sister stuck in a blender. "UHHHHHHHHH" "UHHHHHHHHH" and she uses it for...um....everything. May I have a snack"UHHHHHH", Please turn the TV on mother "UHHHHHHHH", I think I peed in my diaper "UHHHHHH", Please transfer $4000 to my swiss account "UHHHHH". I'm sure you get the picture.
So we are at Target around 11:30a the other day. She has had breakfast, a mid morning snack and is fully clothed holding a sippy. So why oh why you ask is she superbly in a fucking pissed off mood? Well, because she's my daughter and we're in a public place and her mother is looking like complete shit wiped from our main bathroom trash can..(???) So chewy's lil sis right on cue starts in "UHHHHHHHHH". That's when I hang a right into the Target "deli" or whatever that little food/cafe thing is. As I TRY whipping the cart that QUINN PICKED OUT- you know the one I'm talking about. The Kid Cart with the big plastic kid holder in front and the rest of 20 feet of cart attached to that. It's truly comical to watch someone attempt to maneuver these buses through a grocery store.
ANYWAY, the cart IS.NOT.MAKiNG.A.RIGHT..GODDAMNIT. TURN CART TURN! As I'm willing the energy in the cart to just move it's ass, I notice all of the people in the Targe` Cafe` (heehee). Beautiful Blonde mommies, gymboree clad little girls with their hair in smooth shiny pig tails, eating their organic apple sauce, carrying on conversations with their mothers probably discussing the significance of the latin language or military strategy.
I'm starting to pit out and the muscles in or around my elbows are fatiguing trying to TURN THE GODDAMN CART. I notice these women looking at me. And of course Quinn "UHHHHHHHHH" at the top of her well matured lungs. Then I have to do the most embarrassing thing of all. Order Quinn the only thing I know she will definitely eat that will just keep her quiet. Soft Pretzel with butter and salt and a Sierra Mist please...yeah for my not-even-2-year-old. In fact, here, you can just dump out the water in the sippy cup and fill it up with pop. I could feel the stares burning into my 2 day old underwear and 3 inches of armpit hair.
And the mother of the year award goes to.......

I see London, I see France (maybe)

2007-03-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

WARNING: This is kind of a "gushing with excitement" bloggy....

So Cort & I are going to London in about....OH MY GOD....1 1/2 WEEKS! I just looked at a calendar for the first time.
Even though I've begged and begged my husband to find a new job it is his position that has landed him in the position to go to london. A movie producer wants to promote this movie called 'Picadilly Cowboy' and it first premieres in London. He thought it would be a great marketing move to send a DJ from as many radio stations as possible to the premiere to talk about it. The most awesome thing of all is it's a 6 day trip with a ton of other activities thrown in. The other most awesome thing is Cort worked it so I could come along. Apparently we are going to be hanging out with this guy and his wife- who is also going to promote it for SLC.
Anyway, I have a few concerns.....
1. I've never been to London- will the citizens of London be able to pick me out of a crowd miles away and mock my tourist natures and hate me forever?
2. Will I die in a firey crash over?
3. Do they really drink their soda without ice?
4. Will some well trained English child pick pocket me?
5. Can I meet the Queen & or Prince Wills?
6. Should I practice saying things like "jolly well" "cheerio"?

My MEME for YUYU

2007-02-20T23:16:00.000-08:00

In case you don't know what a MEME is....well I don't really feel like explaining it but it's like a survey about you but it's 6 things people don't know about you...and I've been tagged by this fiery, hairy legged red head. And since most of the time no one can shut me up, I'm gonna have to think long and hard to find 6 things no one knows about me. OH sorry- just reviewed the definition of MEME and it's 6 weird things about me....I'm pretty weird so shouldn't be very hard

If you read my blogs then you probably know the first one, but shut up about it and enjoy 2-6

1. I'm afraid of aliens....this is not a joke, this is a serious confession of the randi-o broadcast system (my apologies, working 6 days a week is fabulously seeping into my brainery). Anyway, back to the extra terrestrial at hand- yes deathly afraid from cradle to my 30's ....think I've been abducted a couple times (should the abduction confession count as #2? should I ask the aliens?)

2. There are 7 things I refuse to eat and while I was dating my husband I forced him to memorize all 7 as a gesture of his true love and affection for me and would make him regurgitate them at parties like a monkey trick. Here they are in no particular order...I hate them all equally: Eggnog, All Types of Melon, fortune cookies, cotton candy, whoppers- the chocolate covered malt candy, licorice ,,,hmmm can't remember #7- just tried calling my husband and he didn't answer so as soon as I remember or he calls me back I will update hate list. OOH I just remembered what it was: Smores...I hate smores...YUCK!

3. I have changed my entire outfit while driving in the car. Now I haven't done it in a couple years now, but for a while there it seemed like it was almost a daily occurrence. Really it was only when I was leaving work late and trying to make a step class or yoga or what not.

4. I have peed in my car. Some of you may know this story and again to that I say shut up already and enjoy the wit and brilliance of my story telling skills. During my studious collegiate-ness at Western I was driving home one SAturday afternoon with all my laundry so my parents could wash it, buy me groceries and fill my tank. Western to Yaktown is about a 4 hour drive. 45 minutes into my drive there was a huge 4 semi accident on the freeway and everything was stopped. Everything was stopped FOR.EV.AH....so I sat in a dead standstill for about an hour reading my book and chewing gum and sippin on my Dr. Pepper. and sipping and sipping. Then I decided to stop sippin. Then I decided to stop chewing my gum, thinking that was a little too much movement for my body. Then I decided to no longer sit but perhaps thrust my pelvis up so I could stretch for a little more bladder room. Then I decided to look for anyway off the freeway, when that failed I decided to look for any type of dark area because it was about 3p in the afternoon oh and late spring...think Mayish. At this point gypsies have squatted and people are barbecuing and walking their dogs....I wish I was exaggerating....since I am such a calm person I frantically started staring out the window imagining that I could steal one of the orange cones on the ground bring it back to the car and use it as a funnel and pee into the teeny tiny 12 oz dr. pepper can. However, being the only person in my Cherokee and with the whole squatter situation I was afraid to get out. So again, the calm collected soul I am, I started CRYING I HAVE TO FUCKING PEEE BAAAADDDDDD!!! HELP HELP! I CAN'T DO THIS!!!
That's when it dawned on me- I have the entire basked of dirty clothes in the back seat.
With a sweatshirt over my head so I could have some privacy and 3 t-shirts under my butt- I Peed....and it was glorious and the warm, stench lingered until...well until I sold the car.

5. I enjoy pooping 3-4 times a day. It makes me feel cleansed. Sometimes I'll even drink more coffee just to assure my intestines will push through that 3rd or 4th session.

6. I think I sing really really well. No really really well. I will act shy in front of you and say "oh no I suck" but secretly in the bowels of my ego I think I fuckin rock. Like Sarah McLachlan rock...well maybe not that good...like Lindsay Lohan - with-the-proper-production-rock...which is still pretty damn good...I'll say

Mastering the art of pooping

2007-02-15T23:17:00.000-08:00

To most of us; pooping is a daily occurence we rarely think twice about.....like breathing...breathing hard...or sometimes holding our breath to just. get. that. one. enchilada out from last night....gross ....right?

My daughter is in the midst (or light yellow mist) of attempting to potty train. She likes her potty chair, she likes wiping with toilet paper and she likes washing her hands. It's all the inbetween stuff that we're still trying to work on. In fact, we're at the point now where - when it's time to peepee, she'll get in there and sit down and go on the potty chair. Granted, halfway through the stream she's so excited she's up cheering for herself as the rest of the tinkle runs down her leg and onto my bath mats (into the wash again for the 4th time this week).
But I really don't mind the mild little yellow peepees all over my bathroom floor.
It's the poop we can't get under control.

We've talked and talked and taken several formal tours of the bathroom, potty chair and big girl panties. Yet it seems to never fail. I should probably quit loading the dishwasher or taking phone calls...because once I complete my task, there are golden nuggets trailing around the toy box through the hallway and over the dining room chairs...oddly enough it takes about 5-10 seconds to hit all 3 of these locations with your own fecal matter.....let me just throw in a side note: you may be asking yourself how this happens when she's wearing Big Girl Panties? No, we've had to delay the Big Girl Panties because when we are wearing them, that seems to be one of the steps we miss...we will get the urge, run to the potty chair sit down and go....and forget to pull down our panties...so for now they have been eliminated from the entire equation...

Thank GOD we have hard wood floors...I couldn't imagine scraping poop out of carpet, and I pretty much have the routine down of picking up all solid mass with paper towels, dumping into toilet and then bleach wiping entire dookied area. Then comes "stage 2" - Quinn Clean up. You see.. through this entire Poop dance she has ran around willy nilly pooping freely so at this point there is poop down her legs, on her hands and sometimes up her shirt on her back....this, my friends, is talent but from what I've heard from other parents....kids can get poop anywhere...I believe our little scenario today landed some here.

In conclusion; I never realized my saavy pooping skills would be used to educate others...keep that in mind the next time you waste toilet paper or wipe front to back....

Word Droppers

2007-02-13T21:33:00.000-08:00

When I was in junior high my Dad started a "Word of the Day" for my brother and I. Each morning my brother & I would wake up to see a new word and it's definition posted on our cereal cupboard. Unfortunately, I believe word #3 was the last to post in front of the Wheaties.....the first one and the only one I remember is Marsupial.
I am a college graduate but I think my vocabulary leaves a lot of room for improvement and by a lot I mean PATHETICALLY....A LOT! Almost 30 years old and I still ask "what does that mean?'
ANYWAY, in the wide world of conversation there are word droppers and name droppers......
I don't really mind name droppers, in fact, I embrace them I love hearing about Jared Leto and his enormous ego and Lindsay Lohan and her whatever....I love it. I think people love hearing about Sugar Ray Leonard and how he felt me up (true story). But what turns me off is word droppers. These are the people that will drop a huge word into their conversation to show......something....intelligence....vast vocabulary....or the fact they are attempting to use it in the right context....which is almost never right.

Someone I work with attempts to do this all the time. All it does it allow me to leave their office with a solemn glow on my face realizing they have completely used the words "retro fit" in the wrong context....
Don't try to woooo me with your vocab.....most of the time I won't understand what you're trying to say anyway, isn't there another way you can show me how cool you are? Perhaps whip out your dick and a ruler? Or recite all 50 state capitals?

ME

2007-02-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

Once in ballet class (I had to have been about 10 or 11 years old) one of the older girls giggled and said "we think you look like Stephanie on Full House". I didn't know how to take it, I was older than the girl playing Stephanie on Full House so I thought "they must think I look like a little girl". That began my apprehensions about looking like celebrities.

However, during my early 20's I got "you look like Jewel" and I was okay with that, I enjoyed her music and appreciated her fabricated rags to riches story. (If someone could explain to me how you live out of your van and date Sean Penn at the same time that would be great).

Then in my late 20's "you look like Lindsay Lohan" (great, again no problems with looking like a panty free 19 year old train wreck)

But the latest and greatest? I'm sitting at the Radiothon this weekend not minding my own business as usual and this girl comes up and says "you know who you look like? Tatum O'Neal"....WHATHAFUH? Never mind the fact the woman is in her 40's and been ridden hard & put away wet....seriously!! the colleague I was sitting by attempted to run interference...apparently the look on my face clearly responded (I guess that's what they mean by body language). The saddest thing about the whole situation is that I had taken time to wear a half way decent outfit and I had done my hair & make up.

So in the past few days I've had time to ponder this comment or consciously and subconsciously dwell/stress about my looks and if I look tons older than I should. maybe I do look like her- I can't see the resemblance, the only thing I see is that really bad television show that's played on one of our local channels late late on weeknights called "Wicked" that Miss O'Neal stars in and her wrinkled up face and bright (too bright) red lipstick.

I cannot stand by and watch another great show walk right out of my life

2007-01-31T23:07:00.000-08:00

Cort shared a theory with me yesterday that Studio 60 will be cancelled at the end of this 1st season and the only reason it was picked up was because the pilot was captivating.....I agree.
In fact I think that TV execs got a kick out of it because it's so close to reality.
I refuse to stand by and watch another show I LOVE be cancelled. Studio 60 has great writing and for those of you that enjoy a little romance it has that too!
Arrested Development (RIP)( *tear*) was one of the most intelligent shows EVER WRITTEN!! I truly believe that! And look how FOX fucked that one up...seriously...how can you screw with such good writing? How can you deny Tobias Funke`and his never nudes?
I L.O.V.E. Studio 60....well, maybe love is a strong word....I think Studio 60 is pretty hot and wouldn't mind a NCMO (in Utah talk that's Non-comm ital Make-Out)....and maybe just maybe it might turn into something more long term but how would I ever know if it was ripped from my bosom before I was done.
So let's all work together to stop Terrorism and keep my show on the air
Every time NBC cancels a show an angel gets it's 401K

I am too old for Myspace

2007-01-27T12:08:00.000-08:00

I know this much is true...and I really do accept it, but it's not a matter of acceptance, it's a matter of voyeurism....I love to lurk on people's myspace page....
But I digress...I will be 30 this year and last Sunday as I was trying on pants in the Macy's dressing room there were 3 teenage girls doing the same. Except they were trying on these really slinky dresses - not expensive enough to be a prom dress, more like "I'm hitting the clubs with Paris & Britney tonight (PANTY FREE IN 93!)"
Anywho, so squeals and "You look Like totally hot in that Kaitlyn" "OMG TAYLOR MADISON, you look so sexy" are coming from the dressing room....and I'm just laughing to myself fondly remembering my own "let's head to the Bon and try on dresses" adolescence.

When I finish trying on the oh so exciting black slacks, I head out of the fitting room, only to walk down the hall to see them standing out there taking pictures of each other in these dresses with their pink razor phones.

AND THEN I HEAR "Taylor this will be a super cute myspace picture for you"

Seacrest out!

Drive Thru Diagnosis

2007-01-23T22:03:00.000-08:00

Yes we are a culture that is only concerned with the here and now and what can you do for me. I'm aware of that and I accept it like any other Middle Class American- by ordering the #2 Super sized, having my oil changed at the jiffy lube and making sure my roots get touched up every 6 weeks.
When it comes to my kid I want it even more. Here's what I'm getting at....I L.O.V.E. Quinn's Dr.'s office. I love everyone that works there, I love their personalities, I love their diagnostic decisions, concerns, etc. What I don't love is how I feel like I have to write a 10 slide power point presentation arguing the reasons she needs to get in.
I'm a first time mom and would really appreciate a little hand holding these first years....is there something wrong with that? Seriously? I'm asking?
It seems like in the beginning right after she was born they were really cool with me coming in a ton and I was grateful. But let's be honest- we sing our ABCs, we count 1-10 but I have NO idea what I'm doing as far as health goes. Other than surfing the web to find out when well baby check ups should be and what Hand, Foot & Mouth looks like, I'm clueless.
I just feel like every time I call, I'm a huge distraction, like they are barely able to "SQUEEZE me in or have this 5 second conversation with me".
When Cort had his car accident the EMTs at the scene said he should go directly to his family dr. for a complete check up.....I called them and couldn't get him in and I even explained to them what happened "sorry, there's no openings for 3 days".
I'm old enough to know Grass is never greener on the other side but believe me I've debated finding another dr. a million times. They are only 2 blocks away from our house though, so I've been able to walk home before. And like I said when I do get in they are wonderful and I share all of their same beliefs in medicine and treatment and blah blah blah....

I don't know if I'm way off base or if this is a common occurrence with everyone or what!

Signed,
Medical Mystery in Millcreek

Swearing

2007-01-23T09:54:00.000-08:00

I love to swear.

It's liberating, it's powerful, it's emotional .....it's the best when you can't think of another word. (or could be best when holding a machete)

My husband likes to warn people "she swears" or warn me "just watch your language in front of them".... In fact the other day I was telling someone I had this blog and he interjected"beware, she swears on it"

I can see how on a little kid it's alarming (or really damn funny) i giggle when Quinn says shit And on your Grandma it can be disturbing...(again I think it's really funny)...love love when Great Nana says "bloody hell" (she's Canadian)

So maybe that's my problem, I think it's pretty entertaining when I hear someone swear. What I don't like is when people use really graphic, gross swear words that make you cringe when you hear them....I only like your everyday typical swear words. Or if someone is screaming in your face and swearing...that's a bit of a turn off as well.

Maybe I only enjoy swearing on my terms? Plus I think it's important to be witty with your swearing.

so, Fuck off already

P.S. If you too enjoy swearing, you should check out James Gunn's blog (he is a screenwriter and husband to Jenna Fisher who plays Pam on The Office) some of the best swearing sarcasm and wit I've ever read!!

Kid Peeves

2007-01-18T23:41:00.000-08:00

I don't why I have this problem, but if I see people at the grocery store at like 10p and they have their little kid with them (12 yrs & under) I immediately judge them! HORRIBLE PARENT TO THE LEFT....I want to get on the store intercom and have an intervention with all of the store employees. Really though I want to rush home and talk shit about them with Cort.

I dont' know why I'm so extreme about it. But this leads me to the next thing- I work late now and the phone calls I get from 6, 7 & 8 year olds at 11:30p...I'm like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP STILL!!!". Where the hell are their parents???

Disclaimer: Now I have a child that doesn't keep a sleep schedule to save her life (or my sanity)and I totally understand the occasional "oh shit, we have no milk for tomorrow morning".
But I think little ones should have their bath and be in pjs by at least 8:30-9p.

The other thing I can't stand is seeing a toddler down a Diet Coke & Snickers in their stroller....And once again it could be Mom is on her last nerve and this child won't shut up....who knows...I just hear the dentists voice in my head from my last visit telling me little ones get cavities all of the time because baby teeth are extremely porous...I was at an "event" a few weeks ago and there was a little girl there the same age as Quinn and her mom fed her 2 Squeeze It's and a roll of those gummy life savers...

I'm pretty judgemental

June Cleaver should have partied more

2007-01-17T23:17:00.000-08:00

I'll be the first to admit....I'm not a good housewife...
1. I can't cook- nor do I have the burning desire to burn something desirable in my oven.
2. I rarely do laundry- my jeans have a 3 or 4 or 7 time wear life before they hit the basement stairs which is where I throw them when they have finally given out. Today I wore a pair to work with a fry sauce stain on them....
3. I just hired a cleaning company- We are now paying $75 bucks every 2 weeks to have our house cleaned...I don't want to do it but F.U.C.K.! $150 a month for people to come in and do something I could totally do if I just stopped watching Dog the Bounty Hunter for a minute and got off my ass!
4. Scrapbooking & Sewing- These two can go together...I'm equally clueless in both categories...I'll take "Colors of M & Ms & what they mean to me" for $5000 Alex!

I think the only thing that really proves I'm a woman is the fact I've had a kid....definitely a vagina somewhere in the works....Little Q is probably the only thing that I behave womanly around- although I do pin her down and lick her face which isn't very mommy-like..more doggy like...

Cort Buster

2007-01-16T23:21:00.000-08:00

Cort has this "thing" (couldn't resist- that's what came up when I googled "THING" images)- that's not Cort's thing......that's some dudes VW thing...could even be a THANG

ANYWAY, Cort has this thing- he can't handle people borrowing DVDs from us- he'll be nice enough to let you get out of the house with it, and make it look like it's no big deal. BUT HOLY SHIT...you should hear what I hear for the next...welll...until you return it. Okay, Okay, I'm exaggerating a little bit but not by much..."When do you think they'll bring it back" "Randi, can you call them and see if we can pick it up" "Can they run it by?" "Do you know if they've watched it yet?" "Geez, how long have they had it now?"
UGHHHHHH!! It would never cross my mind to caress my DVDs keeping them clutched so tightly to my bosom but that could be the reason I've lost half to most of my CD/DVD collection throughout the many colleges, apartments, boyfriends I've had...I have no idea how many times I've RE-BOUGHT Violent Femmes "Add it Up"....
Anyway, I don't really know what my point of this story was other than, if you like me at all you won't ask to borrow a DVD from us or if you do, return it within the 3 hour time span you've been allowed to drive home watch it and drive back to our house (perhaps watching it at our house is an option)....and just know it's not me, I don't take very good care of anything I own....including (apparently) this relationship- I LOVE YOU HONEY!!!

P.S. Cort has debated charging late fees.....I believe he accepts Visa & Mastercard

Thank God for bad movies

2007-01-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

So I'm a HUGE wuss...I can't emphasize wuss enough...seriously! I sleep with the kitchen light on, the television on and will NOT sleep if Cort is not home (do not ask Cort about his work trip to Disneyland!).
As a young child/adolescent I had several sleeping problems because my imagination would get the best of me. I could stay up all night and go to school the next day- probably why I was such a skinny neurotic kid until I started drinking...then I was drunk. chunky and neurotic, but at least I could fall asleep!
Things I'm convinced: I'm convinced I've been abducted by aliens, I'm convinced there is a serial killer stalking me with Infrared goggles at night like that sicko that killed those kids in Idaho. I'm convinced ghosts talk to me and one day will speak directly to me through the baby monitor.
Sadly, nothing here is exaggerated...I WISH I wasn't this crazy.
SO with that said, I try to shut out all of this psychotic-ness with anything I can.

Every time I watch the news or see a preview for a scary movie all of the crazy scared Randi wakes up and I can't sleep for days again. I remember when the preview for White Noise came out- I wouldn't go in the basement by myself- I looked into alternatives to a baby monitor and freaked out if the TV screen turned to snow.

I can't watch Montel Williams on Wednesdays because that's when he has Sylvia Browne on.

A few days before Halloween, Cort's morning show goes out in the middle of the night to condemned buildings around town with Ghost Hunters and they record everything they hear. I told him, I would MUCH rather you bring home a stripper than a spirit with you!

ANYWAY, back to the matter at hand.

I saw a preview for this new movie coming out called "Primeval". And after seeing the commercial several times...."World's most famous serial killer....STILL AT LARGE...Gustave". I was freaked. And Cort kept saying "why don't you Google it, so you know exactly what they're talking about?" but I told him that would be bad juju..so I couldn't.
This ate at me for days, scared when I saw the previews and ME....Randi- obsessed with killers, ghosts and what not had never heard of this person....how could that be? Jack The Ripper, Ted Bundy, Scott Petersen- I've heard of them all..who the hell was Gustave?

FINALLY I googled him; clammy hands on the keyboard with half peering eyes I read this.....

A Fucking Crocodile!!!

WOOHOO!!! I'M FREE!!! At least from this movie....

THIS JUST IN

2007-01-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

I wasn't aware that even if there is a particular pre-school I like and fill out the application, Quinn could be DENIED. The U of U Preschool App said ( I just started filling it out today) they choose kids based on race, parental education level, financial status and child's learning ability....WOW!

GOOD LUCK QUINN!

Preschool Tryouts

2007-01-10T23:40:00.000-08:00

So Cort & I attended a Preschool Fair last night put on by my Mom's Group and I think it went really well and definitely opened our eyes up to all of the options out there....and there are a TON! And they are all fairly PRICEY! But I guess if you want your kid to play with other rich kids you have to shell out the dough for it....so here are a few of the choices we were presented last night.

Of course you have your run of the mill...this is a church and we also have a preschool here so God is Great and then we color a picture of him.

Then we have Challenger...which is the "If you make billions of dollars and live in Utah and you like your kids like you like your women seen and not heard...Challenger is the place for you....and your over disciplined children"...we'll schedule their bathroom breaks for them. Hell! We'll tell them how to take a crap.

On the opposite side of the spectrum we have Seven Canyons School where we hold hands, sing kumbayah and knit our clothes...I actually liked this school. Every kid learns to knit by the 1st grade, BUT they don't make the kids do anything they don't want to do "the child is ready for kindergarten or the child is ready to dance, if they child is not ready to paint they may choose another activity or not to participate" which again I kind of liked but Cort was convinced if Quinn wasn't "ready" to be at school one day they would let her take the bus home. I'm still going to their open house on Saturday..I'll be ready to attend the open house!

Then we have your typical University Preschool (University of Utah) where all of the Masters of Education Students as well as the Bach Degrees get to test things out on your kids and conduct they're studies and projects. This is probably the one Quinn will end up going to because we both liked it...and that rarely happens. They have window booths where students may observe your child...and with our luck Quinn will do what she did earlier today which was take off her diaper and crap on the rug..students I'm sure could study the shit out of that...pun obviously intended. The location is also great for us- we live about 10 minutes away from the University.

And last but not least: Montessori which I love...not only am I the president of the company but I'm also a member....both my bro & I went Montessori and I personally have fond memories of singing "she'll be comin round the mountain"and listening to books on tape...whereas my brother ryan just remembers crying and polishing pennies...ANYWAY, Montessori does believe in the play learning but what I enjoy about it is they take a global view of education and teach the children holidays and various significant features of other cultures and communities. They also adopt children in 3rd world countries for pen pals and such which is beneficial in a white state...or white city (you know who you are) where we like to pretend we're the only ones...

There were a couple other schools highlighted last night but none of them really tickled us...like the JCC as it's known here or the Jewish Community Center where 90% of the kids that go there are not Jewish nor do they teach any Jewish Religion...they just require you pay $2000 /month for the education plus a $1000 year long membership to their fitness center....hmm...maybe next year

2006

2007-01-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to write this for awhile now but ....you know....too busy...(please refer to "Book of Excuses").

This was the first FULL year of Mommyhood...so there were many things I learned and like it or not, I'm sharing... the biggest thing Mommyhood gave to me is the ability not to sweat the small stuff...I don't have time anymore...I have diapers to change, fevers to watch and books to read about disciplining this shit that is throwing her tomatoes on the floor and standing on the kitchen table. ANYWHO! That's one of the best parts of being a parent, I'm not worried about all the outside meaningless bullshit...well not most of it!

On with the show...here are the top 4 things I learned this year!

1. No one takes you as seriously as you do
-this one is my favorite and sooooo true. We spend so much of our time hemming and hawing over what we've said to people or things we regret doing ....you have to ask yourself, how much time do you spend thinking of what other people said or did? Not much, not as much as you think people do...cuz they don't. Just think of the times you've gone home and told you're significant other about something amusing someone said or did.....you tell them, laugh and then move on with your life. Until I realized this, I would be up nights stressing about what I had said and how it would affect my friendship, life, etc. Have you ever gone back the next day to apologize for your actions and the other person doesn't even remember? EXACTLY!

2. There's no such thing as commitment....in relationships, in careers, in life
-Life changes so quickly, things come up, people die, friends move, colleagues get fired, promoted or quit...you just never know. Don't think anything forever....it never is. And don't feel bogged down by it either....

3. There are no secrets
-This one isn't mine...I stole it from author Nora Ephron but it rings so true. The #1 reason criminals are caught is because emotionally they feel the need to confess to at least 1 person...ANYWAY, I've learned too many times "don't' tell" means nothing...once you realize that and make your peace....know that your peace may be shared with everyone!!

4. "Energy cannot cease to exist" Albert Einstein
-My friend Angie actually shared this quote with me a few months ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it. This year I started studying Reiki. With that, I tapped into Energy & vibrational work and so that's where the quote came into play. When I was planning to write this post I decided I wouldn't include anymore of my opinion on this one. If you like it, take it, and process it the way you want. To me, I just like to repeat it, Energy is everything so if it cannot cease to exist what does that really mean to us, our past experiences our future experiences and the universe around us? Hell, if it's coming from Albert Einstein...I'm definitely giving it some thought!

There ya have it! Happy 2007!

random randi rant

2007-01-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

why aren't we here helping out and "rebuilding" a community

The Book of Excuses

2006-12-31T15:51:00.000-08:00

One day I'm going to sit down and write a book of excuses.....because I have many, I just can't think of all of them right now. And I couldn't possibly start it right now because I have so much other stuff to do. Which is hard when you have a toddler- I can't clean when she's sleeping...yet when she's awake I can't do much except entertain her. It's hard to make dinner when there's not a lot of food in the house, but the weather's so bad, I don't really want to drive in it to the store for groceries.
I could clean the basement when Quinn's sleeping since she's upstairs, but most of the crap is Cort's and I just wouldn't know where to begin, PLUS the xmas storage boxes are sitting out and well- we've still got the decorations up. I could take them down, but this is one of my only days off and I would like to relax.
I would love to relax more....but there's just so much to be done.

Salem Witch Trials.....

2006-12-30T06:19:00.000-08:00

Little America Jr. made Daddy proud yesterday. Fucking ridiculous. What will we have the little puppets do next? Going to be a long line of dead people if we're executing everyone that commits genocide.....and I mean that in the most empathetic way possible.
And if we're so fucking generous with our time & money, how come we're not in Darfur or Namibia rebuilding...oh I'm sorry...BUILDING communities....we only play with those who tell us they have pretty shiny things behind the curtain? Or wait, is that big, shiny oily things?

In what right mind did this make sense? What was the point? Eye for an eye? The 69 year old man had NOTHING LEFT...why give him the justice of resting? Why not use him as a pawn in this cluster fuck we call...hmmm...what are we calling it these days? Is it still the war on terror or the war on religion or the war on war? Do I wear a pink ribbon, yellow ribbon or a mini noose on my lapel?

Pres. Bush is responsible for the deaths of our soldiers over there...and has ordered them to kill for what he thinks is right.....great! Hang him next!! How is this ANY different? And don't let anyone fool you, we've killed innocent women & children over there....don't let ANYONE fool you!

Randi Disclaimer: I have many friends and relatives that are in the military (heck my parents are veterans) and I respect everyone that is willing to dedicate themselves and serve their country....I really do. I don't have a problem with any of them. But even my parents disagree with the situation.

This is just so 1960's....I never thought I would live to see something like this...it seemed so barbaric to me....and using the argument of "well look at what he did"...yeah but how does that make it okay for us to do the same? This does remind me of the Salem Witch Trials....soon enough we'll be going country to country performing public hangings of those we disagree with.

Evil is as evil does...

Barack Obama in 2008!!!

Suicide Tuesday

2006-12-27T11:48:00.000-08:00

When you take Ecstasy on a Friday or Saturday night you usually feel the side effects or coming down from being so high and happy on Tuesday...this has been nicknamed Suicide Tuesday....This is when reality usually sets back in and all of those strangers you made out with creep to the front of your mind and "What the hell did I do? OH MY GOD....How long before I can show my face in public again" these words are repeatedly muttered in your very very unfortunately lucid consciousness.....then throw in a POUNDING headache that won't leave even with a quad mochaccino or Vicodin.....

Very comparable to the few days right after Christmas.....
You've financially ejaculated all over the season and have nothing left to get you through the rest of Dec. So everyone is depressed; hiding behind the leftover cordial cherries and wishing they hadn't promised that Abercrombie & Fitch sweater a nice, warm home. Not only are you broke but your house is a complete disaster...with shreds of left over wrapping paper, miscellaneous parts to gadgets you didn't realize Santa gave you, and nowhere to put any of it. "Do I remove the coffee pot to make room for the new Extreme Tickle Me George Foreman Grill?"

Our house looks like there was a Disney Princess Orgy just getting started, King Triton came home unexpectedly, broke the whole thing up and everyone left in a hurry; leaving most of their crap behind ...oh and throw a cabbage patch doll in the mix.
a pink, lacy, royal site.

So now what? I personally start looking forward to Martin Luther King Day, President's Day and the day after one of our annual events here- a Radio Telethon...
So whatever helps you survive Suicide Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday...whether it be random Monday holidays, knowing you won't go in debt again for another 11 months or that you're becoming a Jehovah's witness.....I see nothing wrong with a little mental & emotional management...or flat out lies you tell yourself to cope...

There's no hot line number to call where someone will talk you down from the Christmas tree or prevent you from slitting your wrist with a broken angel ornament.....

Keep the MASS in Christmas

2006-12-22T13:21:00.000-08:00

So....I wrapped the majority of presents I've purchased for my darling daughter and lovely husband and fought back the queasiness accumulating over that 90 minutes as I calculated just how much money was spent....HOLY MASTERCARD!
Let's keep in mind my kid is 1!!! As in 1 year old....and guess what Santa is bringing her beside the" activity section" of Toys R US....she is getting a Kareoke Machine...yep....she's 1...yep...
Now it's a kid's kareoke machine, but come on....she's also getting a bongo drum, moroccas, and a ton of other stuff that has me convinced we need to move to fit all of her new toys in a bigger house with more bedrooms.

Stop and watch the snow fall

2006-12-21T19:13:00.000-08:00

This has become my daughter's new past time. She loves to push her booster seat up to the picture window and stare out it for hours on end....well she's 19 months...so maybe a good 20 minutes...but it's hilarious. She definitely got the voyeuristic gene from me, Cort, her grandparents or .....frankly from anyone else she's related to in this nosy family.
I would love to be able to sit in front of a window for an infinite period of time; enjoy the scenery, collect my thoughts and just. plain. relax. I can't remember the last time I wasn't thinking "okay if I just finish A, B & C; I can go pee and change my shirt". I reward myself with using the bathroom, eating a meal or clipping my toenails....really.
Everything moves so quickly anymore and that doesn't upset me, but I wish there was certain times it could slow down for just a bit so I could enjoy these little moments when I catch my 1 year old rocking her monkey to sleep in her Dora chair, or putting Elmo to bed on the couch or climbing into her booster seat to watch the snow fall.

This post may KILL YOU

2006-12-18T12:36:00.000-08:00

so I am one for drama...no really I am...seriously...I love a little drama in my coffee every morning.
I watch the news, I skim CNN.com, I religiously read my parents magazine.....so why must there be so many viruses, deadly bacteria or flying gnomes that I had no idea can and will kill me eventually?
This in light of the Great Olive Garden Debacle of 2006 & the E Coli American Tour (no more running for the border....you'll have projectile vomiting and a case of the gordita squirts on the way, so you might want to walk slowly while clenching your butt cheeks trying to avoid all bright lights and loud noises).
On the scale of "Holy Crapness" it doesn't take much to get my goat and this stuff scares the crap out of me. But the only thing that makes me a little skeptical is how come I didn't know about these things before? I mean, come on...I'm almost 30 years old...how come I've never heard of Norovirus until now? Is it new? Maybe....I have no idea. Granted, E Coli has been around for the past few years it just seems like these days more and more people enjoy wiping their asses with their food preparing hand or wiping the asses of their slaughter cows and then enjoying a delightful hamburger and sharing with their friends.
My husband was able to put the Bird Flu into perspective for me and the Black Plague since there was a case a couple months ago in California (how the hell do you contract the Black Plague? FOR RIZZEL? I guess it's cured with like a hefty dose of Tylenol or some over-the-counter shit now)... don't expect the words Black Plague to go over like Chicken Pot Pie watching the 10 o'clock news- (Randi darts up in bed, "WHAT, OH MY GOD, WHAT?")
The other irritation (no it's not a rash) I have is that if you're going to freak me out with a new disease...give me a vaccine or a unicorn with a sweet rainbow at the end of the story. I will vaccinate the shit out of myself and my family (immunization blog). But I can't do anything but exercise my usual paranoia if I know I'm playing Russian roulette with my subway sandwich everyday.

Top 10 Reasons I need a Laptop

2006-12-16T22:27:00.000-08:00

10. I want to blog leisurely wherever I may be
9. I enjoy a random lap warming from an overworked motor
8. The basement has ghosts
7. I want to sit at Starbucks and pretend I'm writing my dissertation
6. no more Rude Randi "When are you getting off the computer?"
5. I need to be able to answer my myspace fans at a moment's notice
4. Black & Grey my colors
3. who doesn't want MAXIMUM BLING
2. Tap into someone else's wireless connection and BLAMO- You've got mail...
1. I've been really good all year Santa....

Hit me baby one more time!

2006-12-15T18:46:00.000-08:00

It was a beautiful, freezing cold Thursday afternoon, Cort was driving to purchase T-shirts for his morning show that spelled out Cort (see side pic) and as he was making a left hand turn- a Ford Explorer running a red light T-boned him.

Luckily: a traffic cop was at the stop light right next to Cort & saw the whole thing go down. Plus 2 other witnesses.

Unluckily: our little friends that hit my husband are undocumented hispanic females with out driver's licenses or insurance. In fact, they did not own the car they were in.

SOOOOOO....our insurance has to claim it, we pay the deductible and Aide Munoz & Leticia Muniz go back to their home in West Valley and forget any of it ever happened.

I hope I don't sound bitter....I mean, I make sure my driver's license is valid, I pay my auto insurance each month but I'm starting to wonder why? Why am I following the rules only to be stuck with higher insurance and a $500 deductible?

I guess I pray to the Karma Gods or just continue to watch My Name is Earl for encouragement!!

Happy Holidays!

Tis the Season Gimme Gimme

2006-12-11T11:37:00.001-08:00

Why is it that Christmas brings out the most greedy people? Or maybe they save up all year long and then "let'er rip" Dec. 1st and on.....
As most of you know what I do all day long....let me fill you in on the part I try to forget about it.
I have to be nice....YES ME! I have to PRETEND to be nice....and it takes every inch of my stretched out, tired and artificially enhanced body to not tell them to FUCK OFF after about 5 seconds of listening to their bullshit stories....
Did you realize that EVERYONE in Utah is down on their luck this year. They have nothing....and because they have nothing- not a pot to piss in- they want concert tickets or concert flyaways...

Redneck Math
Kidney Failure + Country Radio Station = Free Brad Paisley Tickets
Dead Baby + Country Radio Station = $100 Gift Card to Walmart

I'm sorry to be so cynical and ruthless, but I hear these stories 100 times a day. Why have they waited so long to do anything...P.S. McDonald's is STILL HIRING...

I watched a local television station "Grant a Christmas wish" by showing up at this family's house unexpectedly and bring them gifts. When the reporter asked the 10 yr old boy what he wanted for Christmas...expecting this to be her shining moment where her station could take this piece of the bit to use in the Holiday promo ...what do you think he said?
He said "I want a PS3"......
OH SNAP!
Welcome to Utah or to America...which is it?

Say Cheese for Bad Santa

2006-12-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

My brother, sister-in-law & niece live in Idaho Falls, so the entire fam- including my parents ventured up there this weekend to get family pictures taken. Like any other family get together; the second we arrived my mother declared "WE MUST GO TO THE MALL". So, in hot pursuit of items unspecified, we were off! As we strolled by the JC Penney there was Santa & his Lair....all set up and calling for small, unimpressed children and of course their parents or grandparents with open wallets. We are Americans, drive big trucks, eat McDonald's and own IPODS.... it's only natural for us to YEARN for an overweight seasonal mall employee dressed in a red rental costume, counting the minutes until his next cigarette break to hold our children and capture that special moment, post in our fridge, send it to our families and just keep it forever! "Here, look here grandma this is little Madison Taylor Grace and Jerry from the halfway house- he works at the Prison until his parole is up but during Christmas he spreads joy to all of the children in the Tri-State Region.

CUT TO THE CHASE ALREADY! Our turn- after a good 25 minutes in line (enough time to continually "pump" Quinn up for the big meet n greet and keep her preoccupied from pointing and screaming at the kid zone [*see side note*]). We get right up to Santa and all of the sudden I have a toddler attached to me by her fingernails (she grows fingernails on command like Teenwolf). So Santa starts making friendly chit chat with me to make her a little more comfortable, "Oh Mommy!, I haven't seen you in ages". I reply, "I know Santa I haven't gotten any good gifts for a while.....since I've seen you last". He laughs and we hug and I've gained enough momentum now to pry the fingernails out of my arm skin and situate an 8 month old Sage that is taking all of her cues from her older cousin.
With everyone sitting on Santa's lap, we're ready and I'm on one side of the camera and my mother on the other doing the 'look here, looky here, cute widdle girls, smile, smile, look here say CHEESE, EVERYONE SAY CHEESE' jump up and down dance.
Santa then says to me, "Mommy, you keep dancing like that and you'll get a lot of presents this year". (me- blank stare)

The End.
- it's a good thing I'm an adult and shit like that won't stick with me through my childhood and completely change my view on Santa....I think it's time for Jerry to have a conjugal visit from Miss Clause in the Halfway House

SIDE NOTE: NEVER again, will I allow Quinn to play in the "Kid Zone" at the Mall. HOLY SHIT! I think 2 kids were killed in the metallic Hotdog- also known as Pooh's Hollow while we were there. I literally saw 2 little boys wrestling on the adult benches, SWEATING and one threw the other over the kid zone wall, he landed on a garbage can.

Smog Blog

2006-12-08T12:10:00.000-08:00

There have been some technical difficulties at discorandi, so my apologies for the belated bloggings...
We have here in SLC what's called Inversion. And though I don't know exactly what it means or does, we live in the valley and when it gets fairly cold the air will act as a cover over the valley to keep it warm. HOWEVER, the smog and pollution cannot get out SO those respiratorily challenged like my daughter have asthma attacks. That's whats been HAPPENIN at the P'Pool Johnson farm. We've been nebulizing and inhaling and making large purchases like air purifiers. Don't worry, daily Quinn updates by request =)

Anyway, I've just realized my dream of living in L.A. has evaporated into thin air like the Xopenex in Quinn's nebulizer.

All my exes live in Texas....and Washington....and maybe a few in Oregon?

2006-12-05T21:04:00.000-08:00

There are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those who can remain friends with their exes and those who cannot. Here's the thing- now I know that after any break up whether it be completely mutual or he's a certifiable bastard with the brain of a gnat everyone needs time apart. But after the dust settles, you have to remember you shared an intimate portion of your life with that person and there's a reason why.
I like to not regret all of my past relationships...now again- I have dated the occasional psycho "what-the-hell-was-that" but it's usually ended in 3 dates or less. I'm talking about the people you have the Long-Term shit with. I don't see a problem maintaining a low-key acquaintanceship (holy shit it's a word!!) with them. In fact, I think they are good acquaintances to have in your court. They know you VERY WELL and know you too are crazy but they can see through all the bullshit and still communicate with you. I actually think they may be the best kind of acquaintances to have!
For example: Cort & I were in Vegas a couple months ago and I saw a B-List celeb in the New York New York. I could remember all this stuff about the guy but couldn't think of his name to save my life. But I knew who would...my ex Justin. So I called Justin and he knew right away. We chatted for a minute about work and life and that was about it. I occasionally still hear from his sister and I think it's great. And we didn't' have the best break up but it was 5 years ago- we're both over it.

Life is fluid and cyclical. Why harbor unnecessary regret? Why burn bridges you can cross in different ways or shut out people you can network with for the rest of your life?

Springer's Final Thoughts: I'm not promoting you contact a psychotic ex you've voluntarily admitted yourself into the "Witness Protection Program" because of (what horrible sentence structure randi!), and I don't' think you should talk to these people everyday, but the occasional email or phone call (like your 2nd cousin in Poughkeepsie,NY) is good, healthy and like I said to have someone that has seen your crazy side and still communicates with you is good to have in your court.

luckily I have Cort in my court too!

The 15 second shower

2006-12-04T20:57:00.000-08:00

Back in the days of yore or B.Q. (Before Quinn), I could roll out of bed WHENEVER, lie on the couch for a good hour or two, drink a latte and ponder life. Then I had a child. Pooping is the only thing I can do on my own time now...and 90% of the time I have a visitor in the bathroom with me. That visitor usually wants to discuss my crotch or belly button or the freckles on my legs. So showering has become a partnership event as well. Again, let me paint a beautiful picture of a woman who used to take 45 minute long showers. Making sure every leg hair had been shaved, eye make up completely removed, conditioner evenly distributed and every inch of her body loofa'd. And sometimes she'd just stand in there and mentally organize her day.
So here's what happens now: I decide at 8:30a in the morning that eventually today I want to get a shower in, because in most cases it's been a few days.
SO- by 10:30a...I'm getting excited thinking it may actually happen.
I relocate the baby monitor from her bedroom to the living room.
I turn on a fantastic episode of Blues Clues, fan an array of expensive toys out on the colorful foam letters that now take up my living room and sit one little girl on her princess couch with a binky, full sippy cup, and a bowl of gold fish crackers.
Then I tip toe into the bathroom, leave the door open a crack and get to business.

NO MORE THAN 2 1/2 minutes later-
I have a blue eyed binky monster staring at me "WHAT DOIN?" and from here there is dialogue until....well until she's tucked in that night. During this time though, we go back and forth- she shoves something through the shower curtain and I respond "no no, put that away" and this goes on and on...
This is where the 15 second shower kicks in. I usually get 1/2 a leg shaved- forget it I'll do it later. My face gets a once over, conditioner is a joke, loofa- what's that?

In Quinn's 15 seconds- she has found an old razor in the garbage and is using it on her cheek, poured an entire bottle of Pantene Pro-V in her potty chair and also on her cheeks and in her hair, dumped the box of Q-tips and shoving each one into her ears, found some old make up and has brown eye shadow on her chin, AND finally thrown half a roll of toilet paper into the commode.

Perhaps I should conquer the 7 second shower.....

Poppin the Disco

2006-12-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

Greetings! My first blog ever! Well, technically not ever I did have a minor blogging career over on myspace but hopefully this will open up the undiscovered potential of my left brain and the words will just start a-flowin. With this blog I also did open up a gmail account so I'm now discorandi@gmail.com.
Oh and YES this is much inspired by the one and only and extremely witty Vedjen. To you I owe my Oscars, Grammys & belief in Nick Lachey. My family thanks you.

Alright- less is more, so I'm going to go back to designing this fabulous Blogspot and hopefully one day will be able to afford my very own url address!! Dear Santa or Baby Jesus...